Thursday, April 19, 2012

You don’t need to be celibate, you need to be selective…

by Preston Swagger

Most women have either done this or know someone who has. EVERY guy has run into this at some point or another (it’s most aggravating when a jumpoff pulls it).

I’m celibate right now…

When a girl decides, for whatever reason, to slow down, put on her flashing lights, and pull the car off the road for a little while. This typically happens after one, or a string of bad relationships/sexual experiences.

It’s also completely asinine and utterly ridiculous. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but this needed to be said. It’s the equivalent of telling the mechanic that you’ve heard a sound coming from the engine, and then watching him walk over to the trunk. You’d look around and think, “what the fuck”?? Well ladies…

That’s what I’m doing right now…

If you are upset with the quality of man you’ve been running into…well that’s a legitimate concern (a sound coming from your engine). So why don’t you realize that the problem isn’t THAT your fucking…it’s WHO your fucking (take your head out of your trunk — pun intended). The key to catching a good man is not between your legs. Don’t let Ashanti fool you! That “good, good” can be found any “where, where”. That doesn’t make you special…and it doesn’t make you better.


If you want to find a better man, take off the chastity belt and work on YOU! Start by not hitting the same clubs, bars, corners, etc. to find your man. Every place you found a loser…STOP GOING THERE.

Next, be selfish. What do you love to do? What inspires you…motivates you? What have you always wanted to learn about? Figure out what it is, and go do that shit! Do you, girl! Take a yoga class, or a web design class, a cooking class or gardening class. Join a community program or volunteer somewhere. Learn to play an instrument or speak another language.

And that’s when it’ll happen. That’s when you’ll meet him…at that class, or outreach meeting, or music store. And you’ll already be ahead of the game because you have a common interest…a common passion.

I can’t guarantee that he’ll be perfect. Hell, I can’t guarantee you’ll meet a guy at all while you’re doing these things. But odds are…

You will. And if worse comes to worse and no men come of this new strategy. You know what does???

A better you…


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I Do...Not

by Tobias Hustleman

Marriage is a busted institution and the only good thing about them are wedding receptions. That is unless you have friends like mine who like to make theirs dry, and that, my friends, is another story for another day.

Jokes aside, I am not a fan of marriage. It could be that I’ve never seen a proper functioning marriage as a kid. My parents divorced when I was 11 or 12. All of my mom’s brothers and sisters are divorced. Pop’s brothers are divorced but his sisters are married. Moving back a generation, the maternal grandparents were married until my grandfather’s death, but there was some philandering there (It wasn’t gramps either). Pop’s parents were divorced because gramps there was abusive. (On a side note, I wouldn’t tangle with that dude. He was one of those country, strong black dudes that could probably eat nails if he got hungry enough.)

My question is why is marriage the ultimate stamp of commitment? I get the legal protections it gives families in cases of death etc., but to me, it seems people get married and stay in bad relationships just because of the title. Don’t get me wrong. There are good marriages out there, but I couldn’t tell you why so many fail and while some have the formula. If you love someone and say that they’re the one you want to be with, is marriage really necessary? Check out the statistics on marriage.

I am a gambler and even those odds look bad to me. Another reason I don’t like marriage…have you seen the laws for divorce in California? A spouse could take you to the cleaners if that pre-nup isn’t airtight. If lightning strikes and I win the lottery, my marriage will be in Mexico.

Perhaps my issues with marriage stem from reservations with commitment. It could be my lack of exposure to good marriages. Some girls I’ve met like to say it’s a maturity thing. Once I meet the right one, I’ll just give up my lonely, bachelor lifestyle…

The book of Clooney says, “Yeah, O.k.”

I could go on and on about the pros and cons of marriage, but I wanted to introduce my “Marriage for the New Millenium” proposal. Being that I am a sports fan, I feel that we should handle marriage like sports contracts.

We’ll go with the NBA model.

We’ll sign to be married for three years and if it doesn’t work, there are two unrestricted free agents on the market. If one or the other is well off, then the rookie cap will kick in and neither will be due half of anything in the event of one or the other selecting free agency. If things do workout, then a long term contract can be negotiated for full cap dollars. Signing bonuses can be negotiable pending the clearance of waivers (i.e. old boyfriends, girlfriends and splackavellies). I’d also like for my long term deal to be incentive laden. Perks would be given for good sex, strong, healthy children, and good stats in important categories (low nagging, cool in-laws, nice feet).

Yes, feet are dealbreakers. I would terminate a contract over the Wrath of Khan.

That was ridiculous really. I wouldn’t actually propose such ridiculousness. Unless you say OK!

Who’s to say I won’t get married one day? I may gray up with my hot lil mama and life will be peachy…

George and Louise Jefferson-style.

It’s going to take a strong one to make me a believer though.

One day we’ll see…but not yet.

T. Hustle

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Airbrush Issues

by I.M. Haight originally posted 10/08

Recently a question was posed to Preston that got me thinking. Generally that isn’t a bad thing but this train of thought led me to get a little warm under the collar. The question dealt with the ogling of women on TV or elsewhere by men in front of their significant others and how men felt when it was done to them. Here’s the question:

…dudes have no problem commenting on phat asses, sex appeal, etc when it comes to seeing women on tv…but my question is, how do guys really feel when their chicks comment about other guys? I throw it in there ocassionally - just b/c LOL - and even though ya’ll try to act chill about it, it’s really tearing you up inside, ain’t it???

Preston’s response:

Nope. It sure isn’t. Now if you start running off at the mouth about your cute boss or co-worker — maybe that would get under our skin. But we know yo ass ain’t bumpin into Morris Chestnut at the grocery store and running off with him. Guys don’t look at the dudes on the cover of Men’s Health and feel self-conscious. It just doesn’t happen. Women on the other hand compare themselves to every other thing with a vagina whether it’s the girl in the next cubicle or the one on the cover of US Weekly.

While Preston explained why guys don’t trip…I was left wondering why women do. I couldn’t help but speak on the main issue here.


This is an age old problem that I just can’t wrap my brain around. Of course on the extreme end of the spectrum I get it. If a man constantly made overt reactions, had a Beyonce screensaver, or had a shrine to Lauren London then yeah he’s wilding. If he says, “nice ass” more watching TV than watching you, then he’s a dick. If he constantly drones on about the women at work…

Well then call me!

But, a casual “she’s pretty” or a long pause on a channel with bikinis while surfing shouldn’t be such a big deal.

Don’t get me wrong. There is chauvinism. Men do degrade women. Women are abused, and yes women are oppressed. But…why is it so wrong for a man to admire (i.e. lust) a scantily clad woman on television or the net? We hear all the time that these images are ruining self esteem and they portray a stereotype that can’t be achieved. We hear that some women’s insecurities stem from the beautiful women on T.V. We hear that some women are driven to bulimia and other eating disorders because of those






OK I got carried away, but you get the point.

It seems to me that it is jealousy driving women more than anything else. To quote the woman who wrote the question:

I would be lying if I said I didn’t have those jealous tendencies - which I think is okay and men really love that to an extent

First of all…

NO its not okay.

And second…

NO we don’t really love that!

Well I don’t anyway. I want a woman who knows she's the shit and doesn’t have to say it. So what if I look at Ciara dance if my girl has an ass like Ki-Toy. And even if she doesn’t, hers is the ass I’m feeling on every day, so it shouldn’t matter. If things are right at home then these comments shouldn’t be a big deal. Aren’t you getting sweet sweet love made to you on a regular basis? Doesn’t he make you feel like you’re the only one for him? Isn’t he showing you how much he appreciates you?


Well then the issue isn’t with him drooling over Trina’s ass then is it?

Just because your man gets a little hype when
Vida Guerra shows her tits, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you.

Is every man in the world forcing women to strive to look better?


Other women are. Preston said it best, “women…compare themselves to every other thing with a vagina.”

Now, I will admit there are some jerks on this planet that may openly demean and degrade women by comparing them to models and such. There is no excuse for the actions of these men. The point I'm trying to make is that John P. Regular realizes that the women on T.V. are just that, the women on T.V.

We know and grow to love the woman at work, or the friend from college. You see, we fall in love with the people we meet. If you happen to meet one of these women who appear in ads or spread it on the web then you have the opportunity to fall for them and vice versa.

However, most people don’t fall in love with the people on T.V. — we fall in love with the people who watch T.V. with us…

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Toby Hustle Returns with the Rundown…

by Tobias Hustleman

The prodigal son returns. Senor Hustle has been officially listed as missing in action. In my day job, this is a very busy season and while I don’t normally subscribe to allowing anxiety to get in the way of my daily, it has been especially rough lately. Sadly, it’s been to the point of insomnia which has given me the full blown Benicio Del Toro baggy eye thing.

To Fenster and Frankie Four Finger fans, I mean no disrespect.

I’ll give you brief recap of what has been going on and let you know that I’ll be back in the game.

Firstly, space cadets should not be allowed to have direct reports. I’m sure my manager’s intentions are in the right place but when I ask what I should do for my career path, don’t make me the guinea pig for every new project you have. On top of getting clients ready for the new year, I can’t very well do 90 presentations, train co-workers, watch sports and enjoy healthy dosages of box spring breaking. It’s just not possible.

I’m just a man.

This is also the same boss who left a note on their office door for the cleaning staff that read: “Please VACUM.”

Secondly, gambling on SEC football will cause very serious health problems. The Auburn-LSU game almost made me puke. It’s a serious situation when you almost lose your cookies because a game is so intense. Seriously, it was like a bookie was sitting next to me in my room with his hand in my pocket. It was a direct violation of my fanhood, but you know what?? That’s the beauty of gambling. I am still handicapping at a respectable 9-5-1 meaning I’ve called 60%. This means I would be in the black if I had bet straight up on the games. Unfortunately my luck turned when I put live money on the games.

Shout outs go to USC fans. You’re good for a “Gump in Jenny’s Dorm” moment every year.

Third, did anyone see the Shane Moseley fight? Left hooks don’t look any better than the one that happened at 2:59 seconds in the 12th round. In my years of following boxing, I thought I had seen it all until there was a knockout in the last second of the 12th round. It was so money and I knew it.

Next, what’s up with the guy that on gave the 1-2 to teenage girl at the McD’s? If you didn’t see it, check it

DISCLAIMER: I do not condone mic checking teenage girls. It’s not right and especially not in front of your kids or anyone’s kids. On the low, it is one of the nastiest 1-2 shots I’ve ever seen. Be on the lookout for the “Dear You to the Nigga in the White Hat.” When I venture into LA, I am going to guard my McNuggets.

Finally, the debate season is off and running. The presidential debate reaffirmed my selection, but the VP debate kicked it up a notch. Palin seems like a good governor, but Joe Beezy did his thing. He impressed me in the debate and any doubts I had about Obama’s lack of experience were vanquished. I didn’t know that Obama had made the right choice, but the debate was excellent. Joe Biden appears to be a straight shooter who will offer Obama the support he needs to make the tough decisions. My favorite moment was when he called out John McCain’s maverick status. He basically said, “word…” and proceeded to make the case succinctly that John McCain’s maverick status on issues mattering to you and me is non-existent.

Si se puede.

I’m back in the game. When you see the website and the name, you don’t have to guess who’s bizack.

Hustlin without sleep in the 08.

–Tobias Hustleman

Monday, April 9, 2012

Ish You Should Know - The Billion Dollar Man

by Seymour Monet

African-American history lessons are far too often reduced to the same laundry list of black “firsts” only taught in February. Even more often as of late, it seems the accomplishments in the fields of sports and entertainment are given more light. Today black judges, politicians, and CEO’s don’t get much press until it turns bad. This has got to change. Those who follow me know I loves me some money, so naturally I’m all over anybody gaining wealth. We all know the billionaires Bob and Oprah, but I would like to introduce you all to Reginald F. Lewis, the first black billion dollar businessman.

Being born in 1942 and growing up in East Maryland definitely didn’t afford Reginald any of the opportunities that most of us have taken for granted. Yet at age ten he set up his own newspaper route to deliver a local African-American newspaper. He started with ten stops and flipped it to over a hundred in two years and then sold the route for a profit. I don’t know about you but at 12 I was flipping off of mattresses not flipping a profit on a business. Sounds like a bad mo fo right? You don’t know the half.

Never out of work Reginald took a standard job at the time washing dishes at a local country club. There he worked with his grandfather who spoke to him the simple words, “know your job and do it well.” So often in life we tend to over complicate things. These seven words are ones you can live your entire life by. After beasting in high school to the tune of being the starting quarterback, shortstop, small forward, (oh yeah…captain of all three!) and student body vice president the real fun began.

College was at Virginia State on a football scholarship that got cut short by an injury. But an ACL can’t stop your grind! Reginald generated so much business as a photographer’s sales assistant he was offered a partnership. He turned that down and went on to become a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity Inc. and graduated on the dean’s list.

Reginald F. Lewis knew he wanted to be a lawyer but little did he know he would be much more.

Out of all of his accomplishments this is the one that continues to blow me away. The summer after graduation, the Rockefeller Foundation sponsored a program at Harvard Law School in an attempt to introduce some black students to the fine art of law. After lobbying for and gaining acceptance, Reginald was invited to attend Harvard Law School in the fall. BEFORE he applied! I repeat. A black man in 1965 was admitted to Harvard Law School before applying. The only man at the time to hold that distinction. Think about that for a moment…


Some people were still sharecropping in the South. And he’s talking his way into Harvard!


This is where things get big. Two years after graduation and working with a prestigious law firm in corporate law, he and a few others set up Wall Street’s first African-American law firm. Being a NC boy it warmed my heart to see that he represented the Wilmington Ten and was instrumental in getting them more of the money they were owed.

He sure is racking up a lot of “firsts” considering most people never heard his name.

His next move was to establish an investment firm whose first move was a 22.5 million dollar buyout of a struggling textile company. Using the same acumen that flipped that newspaper route, he led the company to it’s two most profitable years ever. Selling the company in 1987 for $65 mil, making a 90 to 1 return on his own investment. Guys on Wall Street would slap their grandma for a return like that now.

Before 87 was done, Reginald added another first to his list. But not just an African-American first this time. The $985 million buyout of Beatrice Foods (renamed TLC Beatrice Int’l) was the largest offshore buyout by an American company...ever. Just as steadily as he worked his way into Harvard, he worked down the company’s debt and brought the company’s revenues to $1.5 billion.

And there it is folks… The first black owned billion dollar business.

TLC Beatrice made it’s way up the Forbe’s 1000 and was the largest African-American owned company in the U.S. The richest black man of the 80’s (estimated net worth was $400 million) was not Michael Jackson or Jordan.

He was a hard working businessman who needs his own shoe, shirt, or line of something so more kids can want to be like Reggie.

–Seymour Monet

Friday, April 6, 2012

A Sign Of Things - Love & Astrology

I was never really into Astrology.

For most of my life, when I did happen to glance over to the horoscope section of the paper, it was never very accurate. I’m a Capricorn — but I’m nothing like a Capricorn. It seemed like a bunch of nonsense to me — which is why:

I was never really into Astrology.

Until the day I met her…

No, this isn’t some love story. I don’t even remember the “her’s” name. She was some hippie that my roommate was dating at the time. But she was into astrology. I told her I was officially a skeptic. I mentioned how EVERY SINGLE horoscope I’d read was off. And that’s when she told me some things that changed my mind a little bit.

Astrology experts — forgive my pedestrian explanation:

So apparently the sign that correlates to your birth date does not account for everything. We also have what’s called a rising sign. That is calculated by the day and exact time you were born. describes it as follows:

your rising sign — or ascendant — reflects the zodiac sign that was ascending on the Eastern horizon at the moment you took your first breath in this world. This is why an exact birth time is so vital to finding your accurate rising sign. Located on the cusp of the first house of your astrological chart — or at the nine o’clock position — the rising sign can exert an influence almost as powerful as your Sun and Moon signs.

If you were to think of your Sun sign as your soul — your inner personality and potential — and your Moon sign as your heart — your emotional core — then you could say that your rising sign is your physical self or the face you present to the world.

Interesting. So I did what any one of you would do after finding out this information…

I called my mama and asked her what time I was born! As it turns out, your boy Preston is an Aquarius through and through. I went back and read the horoscopes I’d previously discounted and:


It was a little eerie. Very accurate…and very eerie. I’m still not into astrology —but I’m no longer a skeptic. The most interesting part though is who my horoscope says I’m compatible with. I went back and checked the birth dates of some old girlfriends/jumpoffs and the shit was on point! The ones that my horoscope said would be bad matches — were bad matches. Not only that, but it would detail why we would be bad matches. And damned if it wasn’t mostly accurate.

So I’m very curious to find out what our readers think on this one.

When meeting a new guy/girl, do you take their sign into account?

Have you dated people who were supposed to have been a bad match for you astologically but it still went fine?

After doing a little checking, I’m actually giving astrology a little cred. You know what else I’m doing — writing of Leos and Pisces. Romantically — I can’t fuck with yall!!!! The universe told me so…

Ha ha ha

Peace, Love, and a good ol FRIENDSHIP,


Thursday, April 5, 2012

Why you can't be in love BEFORE the sex...

First of all, thank you to everyone who swings by here and reads the site. Even more thanks go to the people who comment. It really is a cycle. I inspire you to share your thoughts and opinions on a subject. When you do it inspires me to write even more. That’s exactly what happened yesterday. Here are a couple of excerpts that precipitated this article.

Swag, I am going to have to disagree with you on this one! If that was the case, a chick that blew your mind and sucked your heart out would be the girl for you. But when true love comes into play, that’s when you sit back and think to YOURSELF (not even realizing it)….about how good of a wife and mother she’ll be… –Silkie

And one more while we’re here:

…but seriously, I’m in love, or at least “in heavy like”, long before any sex. First of all, this is all beyond the physical. For me, it’s about the interaction and communication. If I can vibe with a woman and we don’t have any substantial problems, then I can see myself falling in love… –Anthony Taurus

Anthony — I couldn’t agree with you more. In fact, do you want to know one of the MAJOR tests I put possible girlfriend candidates through?? The girls I’m feeling a little bit…but I’m not sure if they are wife-type material… Do you know what I MAKE them do??????


Nothing at all! If I can just lay around with you on the couch or in my room. No plans, no topics, no agendas…and just chill with you. Feel absolutely comfortable and happy just shooting the shit with you. Then you’ve just taken a HUGE step forward in the my book.

But that’s still — as Anthony so eloquently put it — just “heavy like”. The fact is, if your “in love” you’re probably in a relationship (I should hope…if not then you’re just a stalker aren’t you?). And no matter how you look at it, a relationship can be divided along 2 lines…

Physical and Emotional

Now here’s the thing that will blow your mind… Those two parts are EQUALLY important. But everybody writes the physical part off as if it’s a minuscule part of the equation…

I can teach a man how to please me If he’s got everything else we can work on the physical stuff

Stop that.

Ladies close your eyes and think about the last time you rolled over…sweaty… looking up at the ceiling…breathing heavy…with an ever so slight smile you just couldn’t wipe off your face…took a deep breath and thought….


Go ahead……I’ll wait.

Yeah, try teaching some sexually incompatible fool how to do THAT.

I know that since this is coming from a male writer they’ll be a natural inclination to want to keep a grain of salt handy. “A guy writing about the importance of the physical side of the relationship….how original”. Sure…being a guy makes me biased…but it doesn’t make me wrong.

If you haven’t had any significant physical interaction with a person, then HALF of the relationship still hasn’t been explored? How can you experience half of anything and claim to know it…let alone LOVE it. Physicality is important…even more so now that we’re living longer and old heads are poppin Cialis like flintstone vitamins. Time will still take it’s toll on us, and eventually the physical side of the relationship will change. Surely hugs and kisses mean more to our grandparents who no longer have sex.

But what if they couldn’t hold hands? That’s still the physical side of the connection.

Unfortunately, I’m down to just one grandparent…but I know for a fact that my grandmother would trade anything in this world to hold my grandfather’s hand again…if only for a few minutes…even if they couldn’t say a word. Tell me that’s not the physical side of a relationship…

1 person + 1 person = relationship.

Relationship = 2 parts.

No Sex (physicality) = 1/2 a relationship…

1/2 a relationship cannot = REAL LOVE

–Preston (I told you there’d be math!)

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Ask A Guy - Do men only fall in love AFTER the sex?

by Preston Swagger orig. posted 9/23/08

Q: Do you guys only fall in love after you’ve got the goodies?

A: Nope. We’re in love WAY before that. We’re in love with the possibility of you…

I think this is a people thing more than a “guy” thing. At first we all fall in love with the possibility of someone. We size you up and see what we like.


Note — Ladies if you want an idea of what the guy who’s checking you out is into — follow his eyes. If we size you up from toe to head we’re mostly likely a feet, legs, or ass man.

*Preston looks around…raises hand*

If we go from head to toe we’re probably more into eyes, lips/smile, breasts. Not saying that the total package isn’t important — because of course it is –but our eyes float to what we like best, first. But this too, I think, is more human than “guy”. Ladies let me know if I’m wrong on that one…


But I digress…

So we see you wherever and whenever we see you. You’re lookin fine as hell and we begin to talk a little. THEN you...say IT. IT is something that is exactly what that particular guy wanted to hear:

Yeah, I love to cook
I LOVE watching football
I’ve been called a nympho, but I don’t think it’s true.
I used to be a gymnast

Well hello there…

Remember that movie - There’s Something About Mary — where Matt Dillon sets Cameron Diaz up with perfection? He opens his car door and the blueprints come out and she’s like, “oh you’re an architect”...and then he asks for quarter because all he has are Nepalize coins and she’s like, “oh you’ve been to Nepal?”.

Everybody hopes to find their dream guy or girl. In reality we know there is no such thing. But there’s a brief time when you might just be perfect…

And we love that...

I’ll tell you a secret ladies: you know how you meet a guy who you think really might have a shot with you? Really might be as cool as you think…really might be stable and without issues…really might have a chance at hangin around for a while? And you smile when you see his name on the caller ID. And you make your girlfriends sick talking about him…and you have that little glow that makes your friends laugh at you and your haters envy you…

We feel that way too. We just hide that shit like hell!! C’mon...I’m a grown ass man do i look glowing?? So we don’t say or show it much…especially around the fellas. But we feel that way too.

“Every time your name was brought up, I would act all nonchalant in front of an audience” — Jay-Z (Frontin)

Now I know this isn’t real love. But just from a sequential standpoint...NO ONE falls in true love BEFORE sex. Typically you have sex with someone after a few weeks or months — and typically you don’t fall into real love that fast. But that getting to know you infatuation. That high that comes with the possibility of new love. We feel it too. We like it too. And that happens before you give us your goodies…

Peace, Love, & A Sweet Tooth,


Monday, April 2, 2012

I Think I Might Be Racist...

by Tobias Hustleman orig. posted 1/12/09

Since everyone is kicking off the new year Cero-Nueve with an article I thought I would do some soul searching and found out I was racist.

Or am I?

CNN posted an article under the line “You May Be More Racist Than You Think, Study Says,” by Elizabeth Landau, and she reports on a study where, essentially, people say they are not racist but do not react when they witness a racist gesture. Once you read the story you’ll catch the gist of where I am going to go.

It got me to thinking…”Am I racist?” My first thought was, “No, I can’t be. I am surrounded by people of all races, religions, sexual preferences and creeds. I am not racist or prejudiced.” As I go deeper, there are some other thoughts recalled which lead me to believe I may be no better than Shay Whitey.

Recollection #1

While pushing my shopping cart full of Honey Nut Cheerios, bananas, Totinos Pizzas, a diminutive Asian females gets into her new 2009 Yukon and proceeds to motor by. An immediate chill runs down my spine at the thought of seeing her speed down the road in a vehicle that was clearly not meant for people who were under 5″5″, female, and Asian. I live in California so I was close to grouping Pacific Islanders, Indians, and probably Northern Africans into that comment. Now, it seems I am not only racist but apparently chauvinist. In my defense though, the aforementioned Asian lady did almost clip your boy, but it had nothing to do with her race or stature. She appeared to be a bit preoccupied with her phone call. Hey, get a bluetooth and I won’t need to get racist.

Recollection #2

I am cruising on the I-15 north and an ashy blue Ford Escort violating the smog code is applying serious pressure in the rear view (nullus). Well, as I am trying to get out of the way, I have to pull my best “Dukes of Hazzard” manuever to avoid an accident. As the driver moves past me, I don’t even get an “I’m Sorry” gesture. The Baja California tags tell the story. Not only did I almost get taken out but the guy wouldn’t have had insurance anyway.

Damn…I am racist. In scenario one, this isn’t something I’ve known all my life. My parents didn’t raise me to fear the Asian Danica Patricks of the world. Sometimes, it’s a thought someone puts in your head and one day without even thinking about it, you’ve lumped an entire group of people into one bad stereotype. One would think that as a Black person in America (a Shay Lighty too but that is another story) that I’d be a little more tolerant and understanding. Nope…my knees tremble at the sight of the Korean lady in the Excursion. It could be that this is not racism…but it’s still not right. It’s slightly ignorant.

In scenario two, someone told me to watch out for Baja tags when I got to San Diego because an accident with those meant your insurance had to be in order. There could be a DMV study that has tracked the number of uninsured Mexicans involved in accidents but I don’t think I can stereotype Mexicans that way.

These are two really goofy scenarios, but if I am doing it on this level, how do I know I am not doing it to other groups of people in inappropriate settings like say on the job? If they were to do it to me, I know I’d be ready to mic check someoene.

If you do read the article, it provides a link to the “Implicit Association Test“. I took the “Race IAT” hoping to find out that I wasn’t racist at least towards white people. Hey, I need to start somewhere, I guess. Just a hint before you take the test, do it when you are alert. I did the test just before typing my article (at almost 2 AM). I thought the test would reveal that my self-perceived favoritism towards Black people is just an outpouring of racial pride. I posted my results below:

Your Result
Your data suggest little to no automatic preference between European American and African American.

I don’t even know how to take that. Either I am not biased when it comes to black and white people, or I am not as partial to Black people as I thought I was. Of course……it is late……..I am probably just delirious.

Hopefully, someone gets to take the test and let’s me know how they did. It’s a pretty crazy test.


Friday, March 30, 2012

Confessions of a Man-Ho (Part 2)

by Seymour Monet orig. 11/10/08

This was the beginning of the end people. I had just learned one of Vicki’s little secrets...exactly how to get in them mo-fo’s! The next 2 years was a blur of bras, backseats and bouncing box springs. And then I graduated high school!

If high school was where the monster was created, college is where he terrorized…

Let’s get back into it:

One of the few things in life that I will say that I’m good at is reading body language. I actually like to say I’m fluent.

So, I watched.

I watched the eyes to see who was skull fucking me.

Oh yes my were first…

I watched the crowd to see who seemed to draw away and be a little shy. Perhaps the girl who was at the edge of the dance floor grooving just a little by herself, but not drawing any attention to herself either.

88% closet freak success rate on those.

I watched the body and saw who seemed to lean towards me during conversation. You like to be in and take control. Take away some of that control and you go crazy. Since you required a little more work, you were third in line.

Then there were times when I didn’t feel like talking at all. That’s when I would go for what we affectionately referred to as “stragglers”, the chicks who were just around at the end of the night. That was just at social events boys and girls. Not to mention class, the gym, the library, the caf, or any other place I would observe women.

Once again, I did have standards. I tried to keep it 7 or better and I like to say I succeeded. Now having said that; I did own a pair of beer goggles back then. So you do the math.

Also, I never went for the popular girl unless she came to me and wanted a title shot. Even then sometimes I had to pull a Don King and block the fight. Bad boys move in silence, Big said. So, I avoided the limelight as much as possible.

College is when I was introduced to one night stands, booty calls and the infamous double and triple headers. And I hadn’t even really started listening yet.

After college, I set out to hone my listening skills. This, frankly, is easier than most guys realize. Women will tell you everything you need to know, if you just listen. I used all insecurities, secrets, and dreams to my advantage. If you told me you thought you were too thin, I told you I didn’t really dig skinny girls. You’ve got ass, then I was a cleavage fan. This automatically ignited a competitive fire that I stoked or dampened as necessary. If you tell me you like fashion, I’m telling you that whatever you’re wearing was a wise purchase...and asking for a little spin! To keep you placated later on, I would plan events in the future to give you the idea that we were working towards something, only to start an argument out of nowhere as the time got closer resulting in the plans being canceled. I was at was at my best and worst at the same time.

Of course during this time of hot debauchery, the thought of settling down never crossed my mind. I didn’t look for any redeeming qualities in women and I don’t know if I would have recognized it back then anyway. Some women really reveal themselves in a casual relationship and some play it close to the chest. Either way, after bedding women so easily then listening to most of them complain about other guys they were in relationships with, I didn’t think the mythical “good girl” existed. Now I also realize that there are some women out there who are solely out to get their rocks off as well, so I know I wasn’t the only one playing games. However, as I continued in life the game got less appealing to me, yet sex never lost its appeal. And there was the rub...Me wanting my own rub but tired of all the bull. Then it happened:

I met what all men have in their past; the one that got away.

At age 26, believe it or not, I was in my first serious relationship and suddenly believed that good women existed. Then I did what all men do when they have their first good relationship. I fucked it up.

I didn’t cheat on her. I need to put that out there before some of you start making voodoo dolls.

I just didn’t know how to be in a relationship. Even though we fit together like cheese and grits, I had no idea how to make a woman feel loved and secure. I just knew how to attract them and keep them guessing. You can’t stay mysterious and aloof forever, eventually you have to open up and truly show her you love her. I never made her feel appreciated and R. Kelly told you what happens when a woman’s fed up. It was over for that and I was back on the prowl having experienced love for the first time. But love had kinda smacked me in the face.

From relationship time until now, it’s been about five years since I’ve done any rampant fuckery. Not for lack of options but for lack of optimism. I’m going to let a cat out of the bag here real quick. The fellas and I are a part of a larger group of friends that became close in college. Upon departure we all made a bet to see who would be the last to get married.. It’s now down to 4 of us out of 8. And that would be the four guys who write on this site:

1, Toby Hustle — Holla!!

2. Preston Swagger — What’s good?!?!

3. I.M. Haight – Go to hell!!

4. And me….

After reading his article, the smart money would be on Toby. (Editor’s Note from Swagg: “Get the fuck outta here!!”)

I’m putting my money on me even though I actually want to get married now. Do I actually think it will happen? Absolutely not.

I’ve been with enough women now to know exactly what I want.

You can immediately cross easy and boring females off the list. Which frankly, right now, is a good chunk of chicks. It takes a unique combination of a humble confidence, mixed with a voracious, quirky sense of humor, sprinkled with some dammit sexiness that’s going to keep me interested. The problem is that right now I’m tired of buying scratch off tickets, trying to hit the jackpot. I cant regress because what I used to do was just plain fucked up. I can’t progress because those choices have soured me on the dating ritual. I’ve actually changed my approach to be genuine, honest, and gentlemanly. And I’ve already spoken about where that gets you.

So, am I more wrong for cutting some women off early because I can tell it won’t work or telling other women I have enough friends already? Or do I keep crossing my fingers and buying scratch off tickets?

To say I did some things I’m not proud of is an understatement. Saying I had fun is also an understatement. To say it was all a learning experience doesn’t do it justice. My choices might have just ruined me for life though. Let me say right now before any minds wander...I’m clean! But I’m jaded...bitter even. I’m a man ho that doesn’t want his mo-jo. I loves me some women but I’m tired of trying to find one. So what to do?

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” –Robert Frost

“Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!” –Homer Simpson

S. Monet

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Confessions of a Man-Ho Part 1

by Seymour Monet

Confessions of a Man-Ho (Part 1)
via Truth Merchants by Seymour Monet on 11/10/08

In the first installment of the legendary post “How To Talk to Pretty Women”, I mentioned how being labeled as the nice guy is close to leprosy and that I would be explaining later. Well later is now. Later has been this…well…late because I know this is going to be a sensitive issue. Mainly because I will be dealing with a seemingly illogical subject; the fact that women just don’t like nice guys. Personally it will be a tad touchy because I am taking a cue from my cohorts Haight and Hustle and getting a bit personal here. I have been wrestling with how to approach this for maximum effectiveness and I concluded that anecdotal evidence is the quick dissolving strip to solve this situation. So here it goes:

Hello. My name is Seymour Monet and I am a man ho.

I’m recovering actually but I know how it goes. Once a man ho, always a man ho. Now this isn’t going to be some Karrine Steffans-esque name drop fest. And please don’t get it twisted and think I’m some Eric Benet, “To Catch a Predator” type dude. Never have been. But I will admit that I have done quite a few things that I’m not proud of to get that (insert favorite nickname for vagina here…I’m lazy today). I did have standards though. I wasn’t the crack whore of man ho’s. I didn’t tell chicks I loved them just to get it nor did I have a bunch of “girlfriends.” I let women know that I wasn’t looking for a relationship so I figured I wasn’t really that bad. What I did do was lie, coerce, and manipulate to get what I wanted…

…safe passage to the land of milk and honey! I kid.

See, the reason I can talk about this so candidly is because I am a nice guy at heart. I also want women to have some insight into what can lead a man to ho-dom and what can happen after it. You need to know that we all aren’t that bad and that a good portion of the assholes that you’ve already run into were really nice guys in disguise.

Stop cussing at the screen…I said a good portion, not all! So, here’s my story.

I, like many African-American men of my generation, was raised by women. Namely my mother and later my grandmother taught me to be respectful at all times and especially to women. I still flinch now if I forget a “ma’am”, remembering all the pimp slaps I caught from granny. If you remember from the same legendary posting I explained that pretty much all the women in my family are lookers. So, I figured one and one equaled two and if I was nice to chicks (especially the pretty ones) I would get me one. If only I knew. I proceeded to be gentlemanly and an all around nice guy to the girls that caught my eye. I ended up with more “friends” than a Matt LeBlanc greatest hits marathon.

Then more and more I noticed that all the assholes I knew were putting in much less work with a way higher success rate. It just didn’t make sense to me. It went against everything I heard from women and everything I was raised to believe. “Treat women right son”, is all I would hear. But I’ll be damned if I wasn’t being treated like somebody’s little brother. I would constantly hear, “You’re so nice, but…”, “Oh, Mo you’re such a sweet guy, but….” Little did I know that a scarlet N was being slapped on my chest. But everything changed on one fateful road trip.

I had a cousin who lived in another small town maybe 20 minutes away. So, I’m doing the family visit thing and her best friend happens by. This is also where I began to think that all pretty women traveled in packs.

(I was a genius I tell ya!)

Now of course since my cousin is my cousin and since we are the same age we give each other a hard time. It’s just natural. What wasn’t natural to me was the crossover of jokes to her friend. I’m busting jokes on them, ignoring them some, generally NOT doing anything that would make the friend think I was trying to get at her. And what do you know?

She was all over me!

There was the tell tale over-giggle and touch. My male cousins were throwing the football around and she decides to play tackle…with me.

Suddenly jokes turned into, “why don’t you come by my house sometime after school Seymour?”

Hell fuck yeah, is what I was thinking.

“We’ll see what I can do”, is what I said.

Then it happened.


This was the beginning of the end people. I had just learned one of Vicki’s little secrets…exactly how to get in them mo-fo’s! The next 2 years was a blur of bras, backseats and bouncing box springs. And then I graduated high school!

If high school was where the monster was created, college is where he terrorized…

S. Monet…(Part 2 tomorrow)

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Why don’t men commit? Part 1...Women Cheat too.

by Tobias Hustleman orig. posted 09/08

Why don't men commit?

That is the worst question I’ve ever heard in my life. You should have been given an idea of that in the “Monogamy vs. Bachelorhood” article. At 30, it seems I’ve only heard women say that their relationships ended badly because of the guy’s inability to commit or do what’s right to keep the relationship going.

That’s just plain garbage.

Physical monogamy is just unnatural. It doesn’t really exist in the animal kingdom and even some species of birds (who I’ve always been told are monogamous) are only socially monogamous.

The male birds are raising some other pimp’s chicks.

It’s not impossible but it has to be a conscious decision. I am not out chasing women. Let me rephrase. I am not chasing women based on what I call “skirt chasing”. I’ve just not had a girlfriend in awhile. That doesn’t mean I am hopping beds every night. I just don’t want to jump into a “relationship” like that just yet.

But I am tired of the non-committal indictments. Women cheat too. What’s worse is women never say they cheat because they wanted to cheat. They’re always pushed to cheating. “My boyfriend does not pay attention to me”…or…”he is always out with his guys”. “He doesn’t try anymore”.

So it’s o.k. to commit but cheat when you feel you are unfulfilled???

There are some concessions that can be made on both sides. Women you’re not always the victim. I’ve been cheated on once and was not really trusted in the very next instance. After that my next ex didn’t really appreciate my efforts (that didn’t “drive” me to cheat on her though). She and I have since resolved, but I digress. What have I been since then? A devout member of the Clooney Church of Bachelors.

(Editor’s Note from P. Swagg: Let the church say Amen)

A female friend of mine gave up the tapes. She said women fuck around too. Some of her friends have had long time boyfriends or husbands and philandered. This is after I asked her what she thought about men avoiding commitment. I decided to google female infidelity and what do you know...I found a website called


So you want me to commit so that you can go through the four stages? Keep it. Marriage as it stands today is a fairy tale, religious convention. I feel like someone watched the movie “Unfaithful” and thought, “I am glad she cheated on her husband”.

Women deserve to get theirs too. Yes, you do.

And I am all for being that guy to give it to you!!

Nah……as much as I hate marriage, I would never disrespect it. If people are going to try, I don’t want the karma of being the splackavellie. God bless you if you wanna try. But all guys are not bad. It just depends on where you catch them in their life’s path. And here’s the flip side that no one ever mentions.

It’s the same way with women…

Maybe our paths cross at the wrong time. Who knows?

Most of my female friends get heartbroken when they sleep with a guy and the guy bounces out before settling down. I always think to myself you wouldn’t feel that way if you just treated it as an act. I guess men “feel” and think in physical terms; women “feel” and think emotionally.

This post ended up as more of a rant than anything else. Hopefully my next post will be more formalized. Truthfully, I wish I had the DVD of “Waiting to Exhale” right now so I could piss on it. I am still bitter about being subjected to that garbage rather than seeing “Rumble in the Bronx.”

Until Part 2

T. Hustleman

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Where Are Your Nuts? - Male Feminization Pt. 2

by Preston Swagger orig. posted 09/08

I received several comments here and on a few other sites as well as emails regarding PART 1 and that was just the prelude. Some people thought that I was overreacting.

I’m sure that I am…but just humor me for a few more moments:

So the “women like it” + the “it’s a new fad” combination takes hold and the “queer eye” phenomena begins to grow. Guys are trying new products and realizing that they weren’t so bad.

This movement even gives rise to a new term, “metrosexual”.

How large has that term become?

Most spell checkers don’t correct it anymore. Now that’s the mark of something that has truly permeated society.

But you know what? That’s not even the problem. I’m not saying men should be hairy disgusting creatures. Nor do I mean to imply that “hairy”, “unkempt”, “smelly” or any other adjective in that vein defines manhood. Just as a neat and well dressed man isn’t a “pussy”.

I’ll put myself out there. And just for fun I’ll highlight the things that someone could interpret as girly.

I’ve never had a manicure.

I do have a loofah.

I work in Los Angeles and when I’m at a lunch or dinner meeting I know what wine to order with what foods.

I don’t kick it at home and sip Chablis.

If we go out, my goatee will be immaculately trimmed and my head will have a fresh baldy.

Right now: 5 o’clock shadow like a muthafucka.

I love sports, and I love gambling.

I’m honestly not that good with my hands. I can put the shit from Ikea together but I’m nothing special.

And if you hear a sound from under the hood of your car…I can’t do much more than refer you to a good mechanic.

If I’d been Tom Hanks in Castaway…you would’ve found my corpse! Right next to the twigs where I tried in vain to light a fire before I starved to death!

I’m an average cat.

But what I’m saying here…..the point of this article….is that THINGS HAVE GONE WAY PAST AVERAGE. They’ve gone way past metrosexual. Take the Blogxilla post I referenced at the end of part 1 on this topic. He kept hearing about guys doing some really punk ass shit. So, via twitter, he opened up his site and let women comment. Did you read those comments?????


I’ve copied some of the highlights lowlights here for you to read for yourself:

@Blogxilla: just yesterday, this guy was literally sitting next to his phone waiting 4 me 2 call.. Every 30 mins he’d hit me up Or when a guy is strictly your friend and he starts with…”It really hurt my feelings when…”

@Blogxilla this guy I work with, a girl told him he looked chunky at the club and he wouldn’t leave the dj booth for 2 hours lmao

@Blogxilla OMG!!! Me and ALL my girls been sayin this same shit ALL summer… I dont know, when or why but it seems like men an women are swapping places when it comes to relationships and sex. Used to be men complaining about women being clingy, jealous, insecure, stalkin… an now it’s them. Gettin feelins hurt, catchin feelins, whining, complaining, naggin and blowin a Bitch UP!!! XILLA wuts goin on?!

I love this post Xilla..I just recently broke up with my ex because he would not let me be the female in the relationship..he did most of what was mentioned above..There are a lot of dudes out there like this and its scary/crazy all at the same time

This clearly goes beyond a guy’s choice in exfoliate or whether he chooses wide leg or skinny jeans!!

But it is entirely possible that I’m blowing this out of proportion…

To be sure, let’s take a look at this last comment left on this very site:

Can’t we come to some sort of middle ground on this? Where is the “middleman”? Caveman ~ Hairy / Metroman ~ Waxed (or even worse, a fucking landing strip [true story])



C’mon fellas!! Really?!?!?!?!!?

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!

Now let’s take a quick look at hip-hop. What does EVERY SINGLE RAPPER say when they are criticized for rapping about drugs, violence or women in a misogynistic way?

I’m just rapping about what I see every day! I’m just talking about what’s in front of me. I’m a reflection of the hood.

So I’m sure it’s a coincidence that so many rappers become extremely successful and then start singing. Starting with Ja Rule, and running right on through 50, Kanye West and Lil Wayne. Just cause you’re singing into a box that makes your voice sound like a computer doesn’t make it “hard” man! Stop fuckin singin to me. What part of the “hood” are you reflecting with that shit?? When did you see THAT in front of you? Lil Wayne sang more than Static Major on “Lollipop” and he PAID Static Major to sing on that song! And Kanye damn near ruins Young Jeezy’s “Put On” by whining through a computer all over the refrain of the song.

Need more? Cause I could still just be trippin…

How about how every rappers favorite line nowadays seems to be, “it ain’t trickin if you got it”…

Yes it is, you hoecake!!!

Rappers love to reference pimps. Whether it’s Goldie, Magic Don Juan, A Pimp Named Slickback…whomever… But you know what...give those guys a BILLION dollars and guess how much they’d trick…

Zero Point Zero Zero dollars.

That’s how much!

Anytime you throw money in to replace a lack of game…YOU ARE TRICKIN. Pimps could be broke and still talk a chick right up out her clothes. Just cause you sold a million records doesn’t mean you’re not fuckin the game up. It’s trickin……..stop kidding yourself.

But maybe the queer eye phenomenom leading to the metrosexual craze leading to the outright girly men and singing rappers we have today is all just a coincidence…

So get mani/pedi’s, spa treatments, skinny jeans, those miniature scarves, and the best facial mask you can find. It’s not my swagg but go for it if it makes you happy. I’m not saying it’s wrong or you shouldn’t do it. Just be sure and reach into your pants and check for your nuts every now and then…

Because clearly, a lot of dudes have misplaced them.

Monday, March 26, 2012

The Feminization Of Men - Part 1

Written by Preston Swagger originally posted 09/08

It became noticeable when “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” hit its peak. Men are and always will be susceptible to two things: Women and Fads.

The “women” part was common knowledge. But fads are a bit more interesting though. This is especially true of fads that take guys out of their comfort zone. You have to coax a guy into that place.

For example:

Remember when “loofahs” first came out?! That spongy, kinda brillo pad type thing on a string (don’t front like you don’t know what I’m talking about). Well do you remember when guys slowly began to use them?

After the Ironhead Hayward commercial!! (5 cool points if you know what I’m talking about)!

I’ll explain: So the loofah comes out and guys aren’t touching it with a 10-foot pole. So someone has the great idea to get Denver Broncos star, Craig “Ironhead” Hayward to do a commercial for it. Moreover the commercial basically just consisted of Ironhead showing you how much more “lather” you can get with the loofah over the standard wash cloth and then him yelling and mocking the guys who thought the thing was too girly.



So this guy’s guy reassures us. Tells us it’s ok to use this thing. So we do. He’s our excuse. I watch Ironhead run over fools on a football field every Sunday!! If he’s cool with the loufah…I’m cool too.

Queer Eye did the same thing, but in a different fashion. These guys would take a guy with a girlfriend or wife (that was ESSENTIAL, he HAD to have a girlfriend or wife) and shave him, fix up his crib, buy him a gang of new clothes and then go, “See…now isn’t this better”?? To which most guys would probably answer:



But that wasn’t the entire scenario. The full picture was these guys going, “See…now isn’t this better”?? While his girl was standing right there!! She’s grinning from ear to ear because sex no longer involves a mouthful of chest hair and he just nods and is like, “yeah. I guess this is better”. And then they’d broadcast that shit into millions of homes across the country. And the Ironhead theorem would slowly kick in. Every week more men would fall victim as their girl would turn to them and say shit like,

“it’s not that bad”

“if that guy did it, so can you”,

“he was a Giants fan just like you, and now he looks great in skinny jeans”.

These same men would rationalize to their male friends after they’d given in.

“Yo, dog…exfoliating is kinda cool”.

“Pimps get manicures all the time”.

“Chicks love the way this new milk of magnesia, aloe vera, cocoa body butter smells”!!

But little did women know that these new products and body care regiments would seep into far more than the guy’s skin. It ended up permeating millions of guy’s very being and leading to the epidemic of bitchassness that is RAMPANT today.

I’m looking at you Day 26!!

In part 2 we discuss how bad things are today and how rappers have even become plagued by this phenomena as well. (IT’S STILL TRICKIN EVEN IF YOU HAVE IT!!!! YOU PUNK ASS!!)

Until tomorrow,

P. Swagg

Friday, March 23, 2012

The One Thing Bush Gets Credit For

by Tobias Hustleman...originally posted 09/08

Say what you will about Condoleezza Rice, she did make a good point. There are not enough Black people working in the US State dept. Rice made this assertion in an article on and credited her family and education as integral pieces for building her career in politics. While the Republican party has done nothing for my opinion of their politics during the Republican National Convention, they have put two more Blacks in the top diplomatic post than the Democratic party. Now, it is debatable as to whether or not Powell and Rice have had large parts in the formation of policy. You have to wonder how much Powell agreed with when he did not return to be Secretary of State for the second term. Even if they were put in place due to skin color, it is still important nonetheless because aside from the President and Vice President, Secretary of State is very much the representative of US foreign policy.

I am simply editorializing here so I’ll venture out for awhile…

If the youth today see Powell, Rice and Obama, will this inspire a new wave of kids wanting to be leaders? It’s not far-fetched to believe, but the seeds are being sewn. As odd as it sounds, Mr. Bush can be a credit for that. What is this credit to Bush you ask? It took four years and a shady election for people to admit they saw something amazing. People reported in record numbers to vote because they just couldn’t believe a president could be so bad. My mother voted and she had not voted in close to 40 some-odd years. Unfortunately, the administration used a policy of fear to gain votes. People in power have long used misinformation and the electorate’s lack of education to control power.

The youth especially are impressionable. It’s why they want to be like corny rap stars, flashy athletes, and the neighborhood dope man. But they also follow in the path of good parents, family members, and coaches. All rappers aren’t bad and all parents aren’t good. My point is Barack’s run along with the Powell and Rice stints as SS could inspire a new group of youth to political aspirations.

Take my weak example of heavyweight boxing. Historically, kids wanted to box because they had an icon as an idol. Kids wanted to be like Jack Johnson because he laughed at the establishment. Joe Louis beat the Germans and Muhammad Ali was as charismatic as any figure that ever lived. They were lightning rods of inspiration. As time wore on, the title lost its luster in part due to bad boxing administration and a lack of a figure that inspired. The glory and money shifted to basketball and football. Mainly though, kids just don’t have the figure to place as an idol. What title could be better than being the biggest, baddest guy around with your hands?!?

Apparently, a shoe deal is better.

If there are any young, minority types out who may find this article, follow the history of Black politicians here. There is a tide of change just from the information in the Democratic exit polls:

* Obama was the overwhelming favorite among Blacks

* Hillary held the advantage among White voters

In gambling that is called a push, but Barack held the advantage in educated, young, white voters. Hillary led in those over 65. This tells me that education is at least neutralizing race to some degree. As you can see, Republicans have started the heart of America stuff and call Obama an elitist. Forgive me for doing what you told me and getting an education. Being American is more than just being from the “heartland” or small towns. Interestingly enough, your education taught me that.

More importantly, the article shows minorities can get into office and effect policy change. Now, don’t go out like my man in Detroit. Politicans can be bad Black, White or otherwise. (Note: Kwame, that was a slouch move with the text messages. They are as bad as semen soaked dresses. People will track messages from a mayor and a head technician wont don’t dry clean her dress if it’s soaked with presidential DNA. If you’re going to pull that, get a code for communication. Don’t you watch “The Wire”?!?! Kwame, you’re a Rodeo Clown.) All is not lost. His mother Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick is the chair of the Congressional Black Caucus one of the more powerful entities in Washington.

Pay attention to the news and not just the sports report. See if anyone is addressing the issues that affect you. If they are not, write a letter. Get out and vote. You can make a change.

Yes we can!

Katy Perry Covers Jay and Kanye

I can't lie. It was better than I expected.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Part 2--How To Talk To Pretty Women

originally posted 9/2008

Let’s talk about attraction for a moment. In order for some men to fully understand where I’m going here, I have to deconstruct some ideals first.

1) Attraction isn’t a choice.

I repeat…ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE! As humans, we don’t consciously choose who we feel attracted to. It just happens to us. And you can’t convince someone to feel this powerful emotion. We do choose who we want to marry and things like that. But animal attraction isn’t a choice.

2) Attraction doesn’t make sense.

When you think about the concept of being emotionally attracted to another person, it only “makes sense” that you should feel attracted to good qualities like niceness and honesty and loyalty, right? Sorry to be the one to tell you this but attraction doesn’t play by those rules. The things that we are attracted to don’t make logical sense when you look at them. We all know that attractive women seem to date a lot of jackasses.

Seem strange?

Let’s see if this scenario seems familiar: Ever dealt with a woman who says what they think when they’re asked a question...but they tend to act on their emotions when an actual situation presents itself?

Trick question.

Of course you have!

Women are built that way. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just how it is. The same goes for attraction. Women say they want a nice guy but feel for the asshole. It’s like junk food versus healthy food. You know you need healthy food but Snickers is still making money! Understanding these things is your path to enlightenment young Jedi!

Now you may be asking yourself, “Well gosh Seymour, how am I supposed to talk to pretty women?” If you are saying that, stop reading and ask the closest person to smack you for saying gosh. I can’t hold your hand for the rest of your life so hear me now and understand me forever. Here are a few pointers that should help out.

1) Stop being “nice” to attractive women when you first meet them. This means no asking women out all the time, no “special” gifts, no dishing out lots of compliments, no putting your needs aside, and no giving women special treatment or privileges just because they’re attractive. NOTE: I did not say to treat women badly. I’m just telling you to stop doing all the fake things you’re doing just to make women like you. If you actually get into a relationship there will be plenty of time for that.

2) Stop giving women your balls on a platter. In other words, stop giving away your power to women. Do not communicate in any way, shape, or form that you will put aside your own self respect in order to get a woman’s approval.

3) Say the word “no” to a request from an attractive woman at least once every single day. Don’t do it in an angry, mean, or Ike Turner-like way. Just simply say, “no”. Which reminds me:

NOTE: It’s OK to say “no” in a serious tone, and then do the thing she asked after making her sweat a little. Sarcasm and humor, if done right, will earn you big points.

4) Learn how to use sarcasm and humor right! You need to master being funny and a little cocky at the same time. Too cocky, and you come across insecure and arrogant. Too funny, and you come off as goofy and stray dangerously close to the friend zone. Believe it or not but you need to bust on them a bit. Don’t go hard. Don’t tell her that her mom is so fat that she jumped in the air and got stuck. Tease them about something you can tell they made a point for you to notice. Whether it’s a fresh ‘do, a nice dress to accentuate a figure, or whatever. Let her know you notice with a little joke. Make a joke about her being attracted to you. Pretty women aren’t used to this and their interest is piqued immediately because it is new territory. Plus, who doesn’t like to laugh? It is universally understood that women are attracted to confident men. Also widely known is that humor also attracts women. Well 1+1=2 right?

NOTE: Remove the phrase, “Oh, I was just kidding” from your vocabulary. You have to tell the jokes with a straight face for maximum effectiveness.

Follow these rules and you should have more success meeting the girls you thought you had no chance with before. Remember that I am just attempting to get you in the game. If you blow the lay-up that’s on you. Or if you two hit it off and decide to take it to the next level…I don’t Oprah or something.

As always, I leave you with some wise words that encapsulate the spirit of the article.

“Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and, scary enough, even your money. It’s a disease…”
A Pimp Named Slickback

S. Monet

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

No Black Or Mongols Allowed.

originally posted 8/2008

It is amazing what one may find surfing the internet after a day of working. Much to my chagrin, I have found that neither me nor my Mongolian love and touch would be allowed in a bar in the worker’s district during the Olympics. Potentially, this will be the center of social activity during the Beijing games.

O.k. now let me be easy here and toe this line properly. It is one thing to get after a racist hacker or clown the Jesse Helms lover from South Carolina, but it is a completely different matter to give the most populous country in the world a dosage of ether. This story is a hard one to stomach though. Some of their fears may be based on legitimate criminal acts but it is the matter in which these fears are being handled.

This is an excellent opportunity to do some mini research on China as I only know what I’ve been able to obtain from various programs, classmates, and movies (when did Chinese people lose the ability to fly?) Seriously though, it is one of the oldest surviving civilizations on Earth. Put them in perspective by checking out the Wiki article on the United States:

The first indigenous peoples were thought to have migrated from Asia around 12000-40000 years ago.

St. Augustine (the first European settlement) was founded in 1507.
Jamestown was the first successful English settled in 1607. It’s a shame what happened to the poor Roanoke settlement.

Pilgrims settled Plymouth in 1620.

The 13 colonies declared independence on July 4, 1776.


The Great Wall was built around the 5th century BC. I respect that. Many kingdoms and empires have risen and fallen since then yet China has stood through this all. It would be tough to judge a culture by our standards when it has been around far longer than our US culture.

With that said though, it is Communist meaning the government controls the country and its policies with a heavy hand. The very idea of the Olympics in China creates of conflict interests as far a human rights. There again, I cannot with a clear conscience say that is wrong to have the Olympics there. Germany, while under Hitler, hosted the 1932 1936 games. The US has hosted the Olympics several times and we all know of our human rights indiscretions. To me, it seems terribly conflicting to have games there with the protests over China’s policy on Tibet. While the other host countries have faced some of their past indiscretions for the most part, Chinese government officials appear to march to its own tune when it comes to human rights.

Racism whether intentional or not is an atrocity. Banning Blacks and Mongols does nothing to improve the image of China, and we knew this was not a bastion of civil rights. Ironically, during March of this year, China was removed from the top 10 list of human rights violators. Some of my conspiracy theorists friends would say it was a ploy by large corporations to freely sponsor the Olympics in spite of the protests. I do not have enough proof to say this is the case but it is strangely ironic. Why would a company not want to the ability to enter a market of or gain a greater market share of 1.3 billion people? An event that should celebrate athletes and the spirit of unity is being clouded by being held in a country that doesn’t appear to believe in its motto.

On the other foot, the money must be really good for a black person to deal drugs in China. Six people got capital punishment for drug trafficking in China. Word???? These were repeat offenders but come on man. You feel comfortable being the dope man in a place where this ish is going down? I have friends who got a couple of years in the pen for trafficking. CHINA IS GIVING CAPITAL PUNISHMENT FOR TRAFFICKING. It is not fair to stereotype an entire group of people by the few who are dumb so someone should beat the brakes off these guys. You have to be plain stupid to take that risk. Still though, categorically denying people simple day to day activities because of their ethnicity is ridiculous.

I have said a lot to say that everyone should do their research and make an informed opinion. This is not an article against the people of China. It is an article against the policies of the Chinese government. Think for a moment, freely expressing yourself is a luxury not had by the people of China. You would not be taking advantage of your rights as a citizen of this country if you did not express yourself.

Let me know what you think.

T. Hustleman

Monday, March 19, 2012

Ask A Guy - Are Plutonic (Platonic) Relationships Extinct?

by Seymour Monet

Q: Is it truly possible for a man and woman to be in a plutonic relationship?
Short answer: No because that would mean that the relationship was formed by the solidification of magma..So, unless you are messing around with volcano’s I don’t think that will happen. If you mean platonic then its no for us and yes for you.

Long answer: This is actually a question I’ve been Hulk Hoganing with for a minute believe it or not. I’m typically not one to say something absolutely can’t happen because I’ve seen so much occur that I would’ve previously thought impossible. (i.e. The Two Corey’s, T-Pain) The problem I have with it is the reciprocation of friendly feelings. I almost sounded smart there didn’t I? Anyway. This is one of the few subjects that you will ever see me waffle on. Enjoy it while it lasts snitches. And the first “syrup” joke will get someone castrated.

Since I am tackling this subject for the masses I decided to press pause on my F-Webster movement and look up the word “platonic.” It reads…
a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex.

Ok, so fuck that…

Look I see it like this. Relationship is the key word here. The terms actually contradict themselves because if you listen to that bastard Webster a relationship is defined by being …a romantic or passionate attachment. Now you see why I say fuck Webster. Digressing, the other interpretations allow a relationship to range from a friendship to a splackavellie. What to believe? Me! Here it is:
Women are the only creatures that have the emotional facets to allow for several relationship variations. Men have friends and chicks. That’s it. If by rare blue moon a man actually considers a female a friend only, I promise he barely considers her a broad at all. Sucks…I know.

I would start with the dick in a glass case offensive here but women would inevitably use the “it’s not about sex defense”. That’s old. It’s more than that now really. A “friend” to a woman is whatever she isn’t getting at home. Conversation, pipe, attention, laughter, longstroke, understanding, making you feel wanted …the list goes on and on. Men and women can definitely have a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex. Any routine from a mid-30’s stand up would have you believe that marriage is that way.

Another blog…another time…

But dammit some passion is present! We are getting the shit end of the stick here and that’s evident. You get to have your Devils food and eat it too, while we just get blue balls. Now here is where my belief that all things are possible gets in the way. Being that you have such emotional range I will allow for certain anomalies that prove this rule…certain childhood/family friends, sweetchucks, and some ex’s. What you have to realize is that you have the capacity to have “levels” of friendship. We simply don’t have as many categories…guy friend, girl friend, best friend, friend friend, church friend, club friend, sometimey friend. Whereas we have the fellas and the “to bone or not to bone”. That’s it.

While the appearance of a strict, mature non-sexual relationship is evident. I assure you ladies we are one come hither look away from a porno bass guitar riff. It is rare and I mean black athlete/black wife rare that you will find a guy that is “friends” with a girl he is no way shape or form attracted to. For some reason (duh) we won’t even consider just hanging with a chick unless there is a chance we can get down. Hell, most dudes end up there without a choice! While I won’t discount the advantages of having some female friends around for some honest feedback and opinions; it just isn’t platonic if one party is looking at the other like a piece of prime rib. Medium. Mmmmm.

This is another classic case of something that is sexy in theory and fugly in practice. Men and women can be friends yes. Can they be in anything marked by the complete absence of passion, romance and sex?

Let me see if I can channel Smokey. Hellll naw!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Ask A Guy - Do men care if the woman is being pleased?

by Preston Swagger

Do men really care if the woman is being pleased?

This is a good question because the answer is also a pretty big indicator on 1 of 2 things:

1. The type of relationship you’re in.


2. The type of guy you’re with.

These may sound like the same thing, but they most certainly are not. But I’ll come back to that in a second. Right now let’s get into it:
I’d say yes—by and large—most guys do care if you’re being pleased. It’s in our best interest to care. I try to treat sex—especially first time sex—like a woman is visiting my restaurant for the first time. I want her to be comfortable. I want her to enjoy the ambiance. I want her to be pleased by the service. I want her to come again and again. I’d like her to talk about her great time with anyone who asks (business owners know it’s all about good word of mouth!). And lastly I’d like her to be a repeat customer.

Some head would be nice too…

But I digress.

My point is this—all of those things are good for me and they’ll come IF it was GOOD FOR HER. Our very mutual interests are obvious to most guys. So ladies, find yourself a great place to dine—make sure he keeps his best table reserved for you and isn’t servicing the whole town and you’ll be straight…
Now for the women who are dealing with a guy who seems less than interested in your sexual satisfaction, there are generally 3 reasons why. Here they are:

1. You’re just a jumpoff (see indicator #1 – The type of relationship you’re in). If you’re just the “post-party, half drunk, I need to get one off” chick, than why would we care if you’re “satisfied”. It’s the exact opposite—he called you to make sure HE was satisfied. And there’s no problem with that, so long as you both know what you’re walking into.
**Editor’s Note: This also works in reverse. If you had a girls night out, came home alone, and need some good servicing and an empty bed in the morning when you wake up. We can hook that up. As a matter of fact when she thinks of good service—who do you think will come to mind?!? The great restaurant owner!! That’s who!!**

Now on to reason #2:

2. You’re with a dude who ain’t worth shit. I can’t put it any clearer than that. This is probably the same guy who’ll WATCH you clean the whole house and do the laundry while he chills on the couch. And then once you’ve got the place spotless, he’ll make ONE plate of YOUR leftovers and then leave a dirty dish, fork and knife in the sink.

If you’re in any kind of continual relationship with a guy who just doesn’t care about your physical satisfaction, you need to break the hell out. What makes you think it will change? What makes you think it won’t spill over into other aspects of the relationship? Look at the situation as simple as possible. You give physically but don’t get anything in return and continue to come back. Outside of gold diggers, how does this benefit you? What sense does it make?

Lastly, there is the rare reason #3

3. He really has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. How can you tell if you have a guy like this? One word:

If he’s genuinely trying to please you. If he’s trying to pull out a new technique or trick to make you happy every time you see him. If he seems genuinely disappointed that you didn’t get yours… Then just have that man slow down, try not to kick his ego into the ocean and help him out a little bit. Just remember that this is always there rarest of the 3 reasons… There aren’t too many good-hearted, nice looking, completely naïve guys running around out there. Don’t kid yourself.

Peace, Love, and Fine Dining,


Thursday, March 15, 2012

Icabod Calls Out Black Women (at his own risk!)

by I.M. Haight

This is something that has pissed me off for years. I am a black man and I love black women but I don’t think you love yourselves. First off, there is nothing wrong with you. And for that matter, there has never been anything wrong. Despite what the media portrays or what you believe, you are by far the strongest, smartest, most resourceful, most devout, most beautiful, and downright damn finest creatures walking this earth. You built this nation and continue to be the world’s backbone, yet the majority of you don’t realize it. I will admit some fault lies with the opposite sex and the long term demeaning of women. However, the bulk of the fault lies within each individual woman who does not realize and claim her God given power.

Then there is the mantra. “Why aren’t there more black women in the media?” The complaint that comes directly after that deals with the complexion of the black women who do happen to make it. Valid points, but answer me this. Why were breast implants, collagen injections, and rump plumping procedures invented?

To emulate you.

Because white women lacked the proportions that the white man coveted. The shape and stature that black men have loved for so many years. Miscegenation started when white men forced themselves onto slaves, long before “mixed”(I hate that fucking word….another blog, another time) girls took over video shoots or magazine covers. The slave owners could not resist the obvious strength and resilient beauty of the black woman. So, before you are so quick to say that nobody wants you, remember that everyone does.

To the black woman who wears tons of makeup.

Stop. Your skin was made the perfect shade in God’s eyes.

To the black woman who feels she is only worth her body.

Stop. You have blood of kings and queens in your veins.

To the black woman who pushes things up and lets things hang out.

Stop. The world already wants your body so get your mind and spirit on the same level.

To the black woman who only checks for an account balance before saying “I do”.

Stop. Because you have been blessed with a spirit and will to get your own.

To the black woman who is always critical and negative…

Stop. We long for your support.

To the black woman who is giving up on the first night.

Stop. We long to respect you.

To all black women; there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, everything is all right…

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Ish You Should Know - How To Cook A Steak

I mentioned in my list of things that guy’s shouldn’t do that burning a steak is next to a capital offense. I then started to think about all the times I have seen marvelous cuts of meat not only hockey pucked up but also undercooked, over seasoned, and just downright tough as taffy.

So, I figured I would enlighten all the bovine challenged out there how to properly handle beef. (No porno quote intended).

I feel like a bit of education is in need first though.

In order to cook a steak properly, you must first understand what you’re working with. This knowledge is vital because each cut requires a different method of cooking. Learning your cuts and understanding the traits of each, is the first key to preparing a great steak.

You can find cooking times here.

Generally speaking, the one common denominator to look for across the meat board is marbling distribution. Marbling is the white fat that you see in all cuts of beef. An even distribution throughout the meat is a good thing.

Remember this.

Ribeye steaks tend to have more marbling than other cuts. Naturally, if you are trying to avoid fat in your diet you will have to go for leaner cuts. Then, of course, you will have to add a tad bit more for flavor.

Knowing your cooking method is the next step on the road to the perfect steak. From pan searing to grilling there really is no one perfect way to cook a steak. I prefer a charcoal grill, while some others might prefer the crust of a pan sear. Since I prefer charcoal, most of the advice that I’m going to give you revolves around an open flame. However, depending on the cut, there are more desirable methods to achieve desirable results.

You can learn more about cooking methods here.

The next key is often overlooked but is basic common sense. Allow your steak to become as close to room temperature as possible before cooking. Simply put, a cold steak takes longer to get to the desired temperature risking charring on the outside.

I can’t stress the next point enough. A good cut of beef is flavorful enough! You do not need to over season or over sauce it. I don’t knock it if that’s how you like it. But I feel they are best with a little olive oil, kosher salt, and freshly cracked pepper….maybe a little garlic if you’re feeling jazzy.

Here is a good place to find some steak recipes and other general information.

Closely following the importance of that step is this: While cooking, never touch your steak other than to turn it. Don’t be the guy pulling a Jason and stabbing the steak to death; wasting all the juices. Always use tongs and try to time it so you only have to turn it once. Also, do not put the steaks on while the grill is at its peak. Cook some dogs first or something. Flame ups are your enemy here first and foremost. If you run into an inferno you can’t handle just close the vents, close the lid and it should die out. If you can, make a squirt bottle to keep handy then do so. Refrain from playing hot potato with the meat while the fire is dancing. Burned steak is an affront to steak lover’s everywhere. You want a good crust but not asphalt.

There are places in the South where you will get jumped for burning food on the grill.

If you follow these steps and study up you should never run into that polite smile/half grimace of someone biting into your nasty ass food. Holla.

I.M. Haight

How to Talk to Pretty Women

Alright fellas, its education time again. I’ve noticed a steadily growing trend that badly needs to be addressed. Men turned to complete invertebrates when in the face of a pretty woman…if not spineless then definitely firmly outside of their comfort zone. I will be the first to admit that a pretty face and a smile is one of the more intoxicating things on the planet.

Point granted.

However, obsequious flattery will get you labeled as "the nice guy." Trust me when I say, you would rather be labeled a leper than be known as the nice guy. I’ll explain later. The crux of this issue is the belief that somehow immensely hot women need to be treated "better" because they look better.

Those are mistakes number one, two and three.

Yes, a slightly different approach needs to be taken but not necessarily one that is going to classify you as a wuss. Before we begin I want to be clear that I am
not attempting to be a relationship counselor, I am just trying to get you to a point where you can increase your success rate with at least getting the gorgeous girls phone number. Learning her and keeping her satisfied is all on you buddy.

Call Dr. Phil for that shit.

I’ve been desensitized in a sense. The female side of my family (including Mom dukes) consists of beauty pageant contestants and winners. I’ve seen men turn into puddles in front of them. I’ve gone to dinner with Aunts where random men offered to pick up the check. I’ve gone to clubs with cousins and been let in free. These men thought they were making an impression by going above and beyond. What they failed to realize is that this is the norm for gorgeous women. Special attention is what they are used to receiving therefore it won’t leave an indelible impression. Also, I am not an asshole but I did played one on TV (aka in college) and I’ll be damned if I couldn’t tell a difference in my success rate. I’m no expert but I know a little bit.

Let me start by being clear about the type of woman I am talking about here. I’m not talking about cute or attractive. I’m referring to the woman that makes you think “she must have a boyfriend” or “she must be stuck up” at first glance. Which leads me to my first point:

Surprisingly, most overly hot women don’t get genuinely approached as much as you would think. I’m not saying that they don’t have choices, mind you. When I say genuine, I’m talking about something more than a wink or grin. For an attractive woman, every smile, every kind gesture, and every favor is in one way or another viewed as interest. Some guys will take themselves out of the race before it starts. Another percentage shoot themselves in the nuts by letting these thoughts usurp their confidence before they get to "hello". What they do get an abundance of is: the guy that thinks “hello” isn’t good enough. The guy that thinks he needs to impress her right off…the guy who continually tells her how pretty she is….the guy who feels the need to let her know that his world will revolve around her. These are the worst mistakes ever, solely because of the “Pretty Woman Phenomena.”

What is that, you ask?

It is the reason you need my help, hairy palm.

It sounds daunting but the PWP is quite simple really. Even though they aren’t, all babies are treated as the cutest things on the planet. When girls reach toddler age the games begin. At just about every turn they are told how cute and beautiful they are. This is followed closely by either a gift or some other positive reinforcement. So, they begin to attach their self-worth to their looks. As they age, the compliments grow in number and the actions grow in frequency. This affects each woman differently. You will either have a princess, bag lady or a Cadbury crème egg. The princess expects to be treated royally initially because she knows nothing else. The bag lady develops issues because she thinks that her looks are all she has. While the Cadbury egg acts like a bitch initially to scare off the punks she doesn’t want to turn down, even though she’s the sweetest thing on the planet (aka her soft and creamy middle).

Eventually though women will become numb to compliments and special behavior because that is all they have ever known. Look at it like this; If you keep fucking up with your girl and you always say "I’m sorry", after awhile, “I’m sorry”, loses its power. If she’s heard it her whole life then approaching her with, "you are very pretty" is the same as "hey, I’m a master of the obvious! Wanna dance?" Most times it won’t work.

So what does work??????

Well this is where things tend to get a bit tricky…and this is also where I take my leave. Now that we’ve laid the ground work, stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.