Friday, March 30, 2012

Confessions of a Man-Ho (Part 2)

by Seymour Monet orig. 11/10/08

This was the beginning of the end people. I had just learned one of Vicki’s little secrets...exactly how to get in them mo-fo’s! The next 2 years was a blur of bras, backseats and bouncing box springs. And then I graduated high school!

If high school was where the monster was created, college is where he terrorized…

Let’s get back into it:

One of the few things in life that I will say that I’m good at is reading body language. I actually like to say I’m fluent.

So, I watched.

I watched the eyes to see who was skull fucking me.

Oh yes my were first…

I watched the crowd to see who seemed to draw away and be a little shy. Perhaps the girl who was at the edge of the dance floor grooving just a little by herself, but not drawing any attention to herself either.

88% closet freak success rate on those.

I watched the body and saw who seemed to lean towards me during conversation. You like to be in and take control. Take away some of that control and you go crazy. Since you required a little more work, you were third in line.

Then there were times when I didn’t feel like talking at all. That’s when I would go for what we affectionately referred to as “stragglers”, the chicks who were just around at the end of the night. That was just at social events boys and girls. Not to mention class, the gym, the library, the caf, or any other place I would observe women.

Once again, I did have standards. I tried to keep it 7 or better and I like to say I succeeded. Now having said that; I did own a pair of beer goggles back then. So you do the math.

Also, I never went for the popular girl unless she came to me and wanted a title shot. Even then sometimes I had to pull a Don King and block the fight. Bad boys move in silence, Big said. So, I avoided the limelight as much as possible.

College is when I was introduced to one night stands, booty calls and the infamous double and triple headers. And I hadn’t even really started listening yet.

After college, I set out to hone my listening skills. This, frankly, is easier than most guys realize. Women will tell you everything you need to know, if you just listen. I used all insecurities, secrets, and dreams to my advantage. If you told me you thought you were too thin, I told you I didn’t really dig skinny girls. You’ve got ass, then I was a cleavage fan. This automatically ignited a competitive fire that I stoked or dampened as necessary. If you tell me you like fashion, I’m telling you that whatever you’re wearing was a wise purchase...and asking for a little spin! To keep you placated later on, I would plan events in the future to give you the idea that we were working towards something, only to start an argument out of nowhere as the time got closer resulting in the plans being canceled. I was at was at my best and worst at the same time.

Of course during this time of hot debauchery, the thought of settling down never crossed my mind. I didn’t look for any redeeming qualities in women and I don’t know if I would have recognized it back then anyway. Some women really reveal themselves in a casual relationship and some play it close to the chest. Either way, after bedding women so easily then listening to most of them complain about other guys they were in relationships with, I didn’t think the mythical “good girl” existed. Now I also realize that there are some women out there who are solely out to get their rocks off as well, so I know I wasn’t the only one playing games. However, as I continued in life the game got less appealing to me, yet sex never lost its appeal. And there was the rub...Me wanting my own rub but tired of all the bull. Then it happened:

I met what all men have in their past; the one that got away.

At age 26, believe it or not, I was in my first serious relationship and suddenly believed that good women existed. Then I did what all men do when they have their first good relationship. I fucked it up.

I didn’t cheat on her. I need to put that out there before some of you start making voodoo dolls.

I just didn’t know how to be in a relationship. Even though we fit together like cheese and grits, I had no idea how to make a woman feel loved and secure. I just knew how to attract them and keep them guessing. You can’t stay mysterious and aloof forever, eventually you have to open up and truly show her you love her. I never made her feel appreciated and R. Kelly told you what happens when a woman’s fed up. It was over for that and I was back on the prowl having experienced love for the first time. But love had kinda smacked me in the face.

From relationship time until now, it’s been about five years since I’ve done any rampant fuckery. Not for lack of options but for lack of optimism. I’m going to let a cat out of the bag here real quick. The fellas and I are a part of a larger group of friends that became close in college. Upon departure we all made a bet to see who would be the last to get married.. It’s now down to 4 of us out of 8. And that would be the four guys who write on this site:

1, Toby Hustle — Holla!!

2. Preston Swagger — What’s good?!?!

3. I.M. Haight – Go to hell!!

4. And me….

After reading his article, the smart money would be on Toby. (Editor’s Note from Swagg: “Get the fuck outta here!!”)

I’m putting my money on me even though I actually want to get married now. Do I actually think it will happen? Absolutely not.

I’ve been with enough women now to know exactly what I want.

You can immediately cross easy and boring females off the list. Which frankly, right now, is a good chunk of chicks. It takes a unique combination of a humble confidence, mixed with a voracious, quirky sense of humor, sprinkled with some dammit sexiness that’s going to keep me interested. The problem is that right now I’m tired of buying scratch off tickets, trying to hit the jackpot. I cant regress because what I used to do was just plain fucked up. I can’t progress because those choices have soured me on the dating ritual. I’ve actually changed my approach to be genuine, honest, and gentlemanly. And I’ve already spoken about where that gets you.

So, am I more wrong for cutting some women off early because I can tell it won’t work or telling other women I have enough friends already? Or do I keep crossing my fingers and buying scratch off tickets?

To say I did some things I’m not proud of is an understatement. Saying I had fun is also an understatement. To say it was all a learning experience doesn’t do it justice. My choices might have just ruined me for life though. Let me say right now before any minds wander...I’m clean! But I’m jaded...bitter even. I’m a man ho that doesn’t want his mo-jo. I loves me some women but I’m tired of trying to find one. So what to do?

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” –Robert Frost

“Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!” –Homer Simpson

S. Monet

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Confessions of a Man-Ho Part 1

by Seymour Monet

Confessions of a Man-Ho (Part 1)
via Truth Merchants by Seymour Monet on 11/10/08

In the first installment of the legendary post “How To Talk to Pretty Women”, I mentioned how being labeled as the nice guy is close to leprosy and that I would be explaining later. Well later is now. Later has been this…well…late because I know this is going to be a sensitive issue. Mainly because I will be dealing with a seemingly illogical subject; the fact that women just don’t like nice guys. Personally it will be a tad touchy because I am taking a cue from my cohorts Haight and Hustle and getting a bit personal here. I have been wrestling with how to approach this for maximum effectiveness and I concluded that anecdotal evidence is the quick dissolving strip to solve this situation. So here it goes:

Hello. My name is Seymour Monet and I am a man ho.

I’m recovering actually but I know how it goes. Once a man ho, always a man ho. Now this isn’t going to be some Karrine Steffans-esque name drop fest. And please don’t get it twisted and think I’m some Eric Benet, “To Catch a Predator” type dude. Never have been. But I will admit that I have done quite a few things that I’m not proud of to get that (insert favorite nickname for vagina here…I’m lazy today). I did have standards though. I wasn’t the crack whore of man ho’s. I didn’t tell chicks I loved them just to get it nor did I have a bunch of “girlfriends.” I let women know that I wasn’t looking for a relationship so I figured I wasn’t really that bad. What I did do was lie, coerce, and manipulate to get what I wanted…

…safe passage to the land of milk and honey! I kid.

See, the reason I can talk about this so candidly is because I am a nice guy at heart. I also want women to have some insight into what can lead a man to ho-dom and what can happen after it. You need to know that we all aren’t that bad and that a good portion of the assholes that you’ve already run into were really nice guys in disguise.

Stop cussing at the screen…I said a good portion, not all! So, here’s my story.

I, like many African-American men of my generation, was raised by women. Namely my mother and later my grandmother taught me to be respectful at all times and especially to women. I still flinch now if I forget a “ma’am”, remembering all the pimp slaps I caught from granny. If you remember from the same legendary posting I explained that pretty much all the women in my family are lookers. So, I figured one and one equaled two and if I was nice to chicks (especially the pretty ones) I would get me one. If only I knew. I proceeded to be gentlemanly and an all around nice guy to the girls that caught my eye. I ended up with more “friends” than a Matt LeBlanc greatest hits marathon.

Then more and more I noticed that all the assholes I knew were putting in much less work with a way higher success rate. It just didn’t make sense to me. It went against everything I heard from women and everything I was raised to believe. “Treat women right son”, is all I would hear. But I’ll be damned if I wasn’t being treated like somebody’s little brother. I would constantly hear, “You’re so nice, but…”, “Oh, Mo you’re such a sweet guy, but….” Little did I know that a scarlet N was being slapped on my chest. But everything changed on one fateful road trip.

I had a cousin who lived in another small town maybe 20 minutes away. So, I’m doing the family visit thing and her best friend happens by. This is also where I began to think that all pretty women traveled in packs.

(I was a genius I tell ya!)

Now of course since my cousin is my cousin and since we are the same age we give each other a hard time. It’s just natural. What wasn’t natural to me was the crossover of jokes to her friend. I’m busting jokes on them, ignoring them some, generally NOT doing anything that would make the friend think I was trying to get at her. And what do you know?

She was all over me!

There was the tell tale over-giggle and touch. My male cousins were throwing the football around and she decides to play tackle…with me.

Suddenly jokes turned into, “why don’t you come by my house sometime after school Seymour?”

Hell fuck yeah, is what I was thinking.

“We’ll see what I can do”, is what I said.

Then it happened.


This was the beginning of the end people. I had just learned one of Vicki’s little secrets…exactly how to get in them mo-fo’s! The next 2 years was a blur of bras, backseats and bouncing box springs. And then I graduated high school!

If high school was where the monster was created, college is where he terrorized…

S. Monet…(Part 2 tomorrow)

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Why don’t men commit? Part 1...Women Cheat too.

by Tobias Hustleman orig. posted 09/08

Why don't men commit?

That is the worst question I’ve ever heard in my life. You should have been given an idea of that in the “Monogamy vs. Bachelorhood” article. At 30, it seems I’ve only heard women say that their relationships ended badly because of the guy’s inability to commit or do what’s right to keep the relationship going.

That’s just plain garbage.

Physical monogamy is just unnatural. It doesn’t really exist in the animal kingdom and even some species of birds (who I’ve always been told are monogamous) are only socially monogamous.

The male birds are raising some other pimp’s chicks.

It’s not impossible but it has to be a conscious decision. I am not out chasing women. Let me rephrase. I am not chasing women based on what I call “skirt chasing”. I’ve just not had a girlfriend in awhile. That doesn’t mean I am hopping beds every night. I just don’t want to jump into a “relationship” like that just yet.

But I am tired of the non-committal indictments. Women cheat too. What’s worse is women never say they cheat because they wanted to cheat. They’re always pushed to cheating. “My boyfriend does not pay attention to me”…or…”he is always out with his guys”. “He doesn’t try anymore”.

So it’s o.k. to commit but cheat when you feel you are unfulfilled???

There are some concessions that can be made on both sides. Women you’re not always the victim. I’ve been cheated on once and was not really trusted in the very next instance. After that my next ex didn’t really appreciate my efforts (that didn’t “drive” me to cheat on her though). She and I have since resolved, but I digress. What have I been since then? A devout member of the Clooney Church of Bachelors.

(Editor’s Note from P. Swagg: Let the church say Amen)

A female friend of mine gave up the tapes. She said women fuck around too. Some of her friends have had long time boyfriends or husbands and philandered. This is after I asked her what she thought about men avoiding commitment. I decided to google female infidelity and what do you know...I found a website called


So you want me to commit so that you can go through the four stages? Keep it. Marriage as it stands today is a fairy tale, religious convention. I feel like someone watched the movie “Unfaithful” and thought, “I am glad she cheated on her husband”.

Women deserve to get theirs too. Yes, you do.

And I am all for being that guy to give it to you!!

Nah……as much as I hate marriage, I would never disrespect it. If people are going to try, I don’t want the karma of being the splackavellie. God bless you if you wanna try. But all guys are not bad. It just depends on where you catch them in their life’s path. And here’s the flip side that no one ever mentions.

It’s the same way with women…

Maybe our paths cross at the wrong time. Who knows?

Most of my female friends get heartbroken when they sleep with a guy and the guy bounces out before settling down. I always think to myself you wouldn’t feel that way if you just treated it as an act. I guess men “feel” and think in physical terms; women “feel” and think emotionally.

This post ended up as more of a rant than anything else. Hopefully my next post will be more formalized. Truthfully, I wish I had the DVD of “Waiting to Exhale” right now so I could piss on it. I am still bitter about being subjected to that garbage rather than seeing “Rumble in the Bronx.”

Until Part 2

T. Hustleman

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Where Are Your Nuts? - Male Feminization Pt. 2

by Preston Swagger orig. posted 09/08

I received several comments here and on a few other sites as well as emails regarding PART 1 and that was just the prelude. Some people thought that I was overreacting.

I’m sure that I am…but just humor me for a few more moments:

So the “women like it” + the “it’s a new fad” combination takes hold and the “queer eye” phenomena begins to grow. Guys are trying new products and realizing that they weren’t so bad.

This movement even gives rise to a new term, “metrosexual”.

How large has that term become?

Most spell checkers don’t correct it anymore. Now that’s the mark of something that has truly permeated society.

But you know what? That’s not even the problem. I’m not saying men should be hairy disgusting creatures. Nor do I mean to imply that “hairy”, “unkempt”, “smelly” or any other adjective in that vein defines manhood. Just as a neat and well dressed man isn’t a “pussy”.

I’ll put myself out there. And just for fun I’ll highlight the things that someone could interpret as girly.

I’ve never had a manicure.

I do have a loofah.

I work in Los Angeles and when I’m at a lunch or dinner meeting I know what wine to order with what foods.

I don’t kick it at home and sip Chablis.

If we go out, my goatee will be immaculately trimmed and my head will have a fresh baldy.

Right now: 5 o’clock shadow like a muthafucka.

I love sports, and I love gambling.

I’m honestly not that good with my hands. I can put the shit from Ikea together but I’m nothing special.

And if you hear a sound from under the hood of your car…I can’t do much more than refer you to a good mechanic.

If I’d been Tom Hanks in Castaway…you would’ve found my corpse! Right next to the twigs where I tried in vain to light a fire before I starved to death!

I’m an average cat.

But what I’m saying here…..the point of this article….is that THINGS HAVE GONE WAY PAST AVERAGE. They’ve gone way past metrosexual. Take the Blogxilla post I referenced at the end of part 1 on this topic. He kept hearing about guys doing some really punk ass shit. So, via twitter, he opened up his site and let women comment. Did you read those comments?????


I’ve copied some of the highlights lowlights here for you to read for yourself:

@Blogxilla: just yesterday, this guy was literally sitting next to his phone waiting 4 me 2 call.. Every 30 mins he’d hit me up Or when a guy is strictly your friend and he starts with…”It really hurt my feelings when…”

@Blogxilla this guy I work with, a girl told him he looked chunky at the club and he wouldn’t leave the dj booth for 2 hours lmao

@Blogxilla OMG!!! Me and ALL my girls been sayin this same shit ALL summer… I dont know, when or why but it seems like men an women are swapping places when it comes to relationships and sex. Used to be men complaining about women being clingy, jealous, insecure, stalkin… an now it’s them. Gettin feelins hurt, catchin feelins, whining, complaining, naggin and blowin a Bitch UP!!! XILLA wuts goin on?!

I love this post Xilla..I just recently broke up with my ex because he would not let me be the female in the relationship..he did most of what was mentioned above..There are a lot of dudes out there like this and its scary/crazy all at the same time

This clearly goes beyond a guy’s choice in exfoliate or whether he chooses wide leg or skinny jeans!!

But it is entirely possible that I’m blowing this out of proportion…

To be sure, let’s take a look at this last comment left on this very site:

Can’t we come to some sort of middle ground on this? Where is the “middleman”? Caveman ~ Hairy / Metroman ~ Waxed (or even worse, a fucking landing strip [true story])



C’mon fellas!! Really?!?!?!?!!?

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!

Now let’s take a quick look at hip-hop. What does EVERY SINGLE RAPPER say when they are criticized for rapping about drugs, violence or women in a misogynistic way?

I’m just rapping about what I see every day! I’m just talking about what’s in front of me. I’m a reflection of the hood.

So I’m sure it’s a coincidence that so many rappers become extremely successful and then start singing. Starting with Ja Rule, and running right on through 50, Kanye West and Lil Wayne. Just cause you’re singing into a box that makes your voice sound like a computer doesn’t make it “hard” man! Stop fuckin singin to me. What part of the “hood” are you reflecting with that shit?? When did you see THAT in front of you? Lil Wayne sang more than Static Major on “Lollipop” and he PAID Static Major to sing on that song! And Kanye damn near ruins Young Jeezy’s “Put On” by whining through a computer all over the refrain of the song.

Need more? Cause I could still just be trippin…

How about how every rappers favorite line nowadays seems to be, “it ain’t trickin if you got it”…

Yes it is, you hoecake!!!

Rappers love to reference pimps. Whether it’s Goldie, Magic Don Juan, A Pimp Named Slickback…whomever… But you know what...give those guys a BILLION dollars and guess how much they’d trick…

Zero Point Zero Zero dollars.

That’s how much!

Anytime you throw money in to replace a lack of game…YOU ARE TRICKIN. Pimps could be broke and still talk a chick right up out her clothes. Just cause you sold a million records doesn’t mean you’re not fuckin the game up. It’s trickin……..stop kidding yourself.

But maybe the queer eye phenomenom leading to the metrosexual craze leading to the outright girly men and singing rappers we have today is all just a coincidence…

So get mani/pedi’s, spa treatments, skinny jeans, those miniature scarves, and the best facial mask you can find. It’s not my swagg but go for it if it makes you happy. I’m not saying it’s wrong or you shouldn’t do it. Just be sure and reach into your pants and check for your nuts every now and then…

Because clearly, a lot of dudes have misplaced them.

Monday, March 26, 2012

The Feminization Of Men - Part 1

Written by Preston Swagger originally posted 09/08

It became noticeable when “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” hit its peak. Men are and always will be susceptible to two things: Women and Fads.

The “women” part was common knowledge. But fads are a bit more interesting though. This is especially true of fads that take guys out of their comfort zone. You have to coax a guy into that place.

For example:

Remember when “loofahs” first came out?! That spongy, kinda brillo pad type thing on a string (don’t front like you don’t know what I’m talking about). Well do you remember when guys slowly began to use them?

After the Ironhead Hayward commercial!! (5 cool points if you know what I’m talking about)!

I’ll explain: So the loofah comes out and guys aren’t touching it with a 10-foot pole. So someone has the great idea to get Denver Broncos star, Craig “Ironhead” Hayward to do a commercial for it. Moreover the commercial basically just consisted of Ironhead showing you how much more “lather” you can get with the loofah over the standard wash cloth and then him yelling and mocking the guys who thought the thing was too girly.



So this guy’s guy reassures us. Tells us it’s ok to use this thing. So we do. He’s our excuse. I watch Ironhead run over fools on a football field every Sunday!! If he’s cool with the loufah…I’m cool too.

Queer Eye did the same thing, but in a different fashion. These guys would take a guy with a girlfriend or wife (that was ESSENTIAL, he HAD to have a girlfriend or wife) and shave him, fix up his crib, buy him a gang of new clothes and then go, “See…now isn’t this better”?? To which most guys would probably answer:



But that wasn’t the entire scenario. The full picture was these guys going, “See…now isn’t this better”?? While his girl was standing right there!! She’s grinning from ear to ear because sex no longer involves a mouthful of chest hair and he just nods and is like, “yeah. I guess this is better”. And then they’d broadcast that shit into millions of homes across the country. And the Ironhead theorem would slowly kick in. Every week more men would fall victim as their girl would turn to them and say shit like,

“it’s not that bad”

“if that guy did it, so can you”,

“he was a Giants fan just like you, and now he looks great in skinny jeans”.

These same men would rationalize to their male friends after they’d given in.

“Yo, dog…exfoliating is kinda cool”.

“Pimps get manicures all the time”.

“Chicks love the way this new milk of magnesia, aloe vera, cocoa body butter smells”!!

But little did women know that these new products and body care regiments would seep into far more than the guy’s skin. It ended up permeating millions of guy’s very being and leading to the epidemic of bitchassness that is RAMPANT today.

I’m looking at you Day 26!!

In part 2 we discuss how bad things are today and how rappers have even become plagued by this phenomena as well. (IT’S STILL TRICKIN EVEN IF YOU HAVE IT!!!! YOU PUNK ASS!!)

Until tomorrow,

P. Swagg

Friday, March 23, 2012

The One Thing Bush Gets Credit For

by Tobias Hustleman...originally posted 09/08

Say what you will about Condoleezza Rice, she did make a good point. There are not enough Black people working in the US State dept. Rice made this assertion in an article on and credited her family and education as integral pieces for building her career in politics. While the Republican party has done nothing for my opinion of their politics during the Republican National Convention, they have put two more Blacks in the top diplomatic post than the Democratic party. Now, it is debatable as to whether or not Powell and Rice have had large parts in the formation of policy. You have to wonder how much Powell agreed with when he did not return to be Secretary of State for the second term. Even if they were put in place due to skin color, it is still important nonetheless because aside from the President and Vice President, Secretary of State is very much the representative of US foreign policy.

I am simply editorializing here so I’ll venture out for awhile…

If the youth today see Powell, Rice and Obama, will this inspire a new wave of kids wanting to be leaders? It’s not far-fetched to believe, but the seeds are being sewn. As odd as it sounds, Mr. Bush can be a credit for that. What is this credit to Bush you ask? It took four years and a shady election for people to admit they saw something amazing. People reported in record numbers to vote because they just couldn’t believe a president could be so bad. My mother voted and she had not voted in close to 40 some-odd years. Unfortunately, the administration used a policy of fear to gain votes. People in power have long used misinformation and the electorate’s lack of education to control power.

The youth especially are impressionable. It’s why they want to be like corny rap stars, flashy athletes, and the neighborhood dope man. But they also follow in the path of good parents, family members, and coaches. All rappers aren’t bad and all parents aren’t good. My point is Barack’s run along with the Powell and Rice stints as SS could inspire a new group of youth to political aspirations.

Take my weak example of heavyweight boxing. Historically, kids wanted to box because they had an icon as an idol. Kids wanted to be like Jack Johnson because he laughed at the establishment. Joe Louis beat the Germans and Muhammad Ali was as charismatic as any figure that ever lived. They were lightning rods of inspiration. As time wore on, the title lost its luster in part due to bad boxing administration and a lack of a figure that inspired. The glory and money shifted to basketball and football. Mainly though, kids just don’t have the figure to place as an idol. What title could be better than being the biggest, baddest guy around with your hands?!?

Apparently, a shoe deal is better.

If there are any young, minority types out who may find this article, follow the history of Black politicians here. There is a tide of change just from the information in the Democratic exit polls:

* Obama was the overwhelming favorite among Blacks

* Hillary held the advantage among White voters

In gambling that is called a push, but Barack held the advantage in educated, young, white voters. Hillary led in those over 65. This tells me that education is at least neutralizing race to some degree. As you can see, Republicans have started the heart of America stuff and call Obama an elitist. Forgive me for doing what you told me and getting an education. Being American is more than just being from the “heartland” or small towns. Interestingly enough, your education taught me that.

More importantly, the article shows minorities can get into office and effect policy change. Now, don’t go out like my man in Detroit. Politicans can be bad Black, White or otherwise. (Note: Kwame, that was a slouch move with the text messages. They are as bad as semen soaked dresses. People will track messages from a mayor and a head technician wont don’t dry clean her dress if it’s soaked with presidential DNA. If you’re going to pull that, get a code for communication. Don’t you watch “The Wire”?!?! Kwame, you’re a Rodeo Clown.) All is not lost. His mother Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick is the chair of the Congressional Black Caucus one of the more powerful entities in Washington.

Pay attention to the news and not just the sports report. See if anyone is addressing the issues that affect you. If they are not, write a letter. Get out and vote. You can make a change.

Yes we can!

Katy Perry Covers Jay and Kanye

I can't lie. It was better than I expected.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Part 2--How To Talk To Pretty Women

originally posted 9/2008

Let’s talk about attraction for a moment. In order for some men to fully understand where I’m going here, I have to deconstruct some ideals first.

1) Attraction isn’t a choice.

I repeat…ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE! As humans, we don’t consciously choose who we feel attracted to. It just happens to us. And you can’t convince someone to feel this powerful emotion. We do choose who we want to marry and things like that. But animal attraction isn’t a choice.

2) Attraction doesn’t make sense.

When you think about the concept of being emotionally attracted to another person, it only “makes sense” that you should feel attracted to good qualities like niceness and honesty and loyalty, right? Sorry to be the one to tell you this but attraction doesn’t play by those rules. The things that we are attracted to don’t make logical sense when you look at them. We all know that attractive women seem to date a lot of jackasses.

Seem strange?

Let’s see if this scenario seems familiar: Ever dealt with a woman who says what they think when they’re asked a question...but they tend to act on their emotions when an actual situation presents itself?

Trick question.

Of course you have!

Women are built that way. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just how it is. The same goes for attraction. Women say they want a nice guy but feel for the asshole. It’s like junk food versus healthy food. You know you need healthy food but Snickers is still making money! Understanding these things is your path to enlightenment young Jedi!

Now you may be asking yourself, “Well gosh Seymour, how am I supposed to talk to pretty women?” If you are saying that, stop reading and ask the closest person to smack you for saying gosh. I can’t hold your hand for the rest of your life so hear me now and understand me forever. Here are a few pointers that should help out.

1) Stop being “nice” to attractive women when you first meet them. This means no asking women out all the time, no “special” gifts, no dishing out lots of compliments, no putting your needs aside, and no giving women special treatment or privileges just because they’re attractive. NOTE: I did not say to treat women badly. I’m just telling you to stop doing all the fake things you’re doing just to make women like you. If you actually get into a relationship there will be plenty of time for that.

2) Stop giving women your balls on a platter. In other words, stop giving away your power to women. Do not communicate in any way, shape, or form that you will put aside your own self respect in order to get a woman’s approval.

3) Say the word “no” to a request from an attractive woman at least once every single day. Don’t do it in an angry, mean, or Ike Turner-like way. Just simply say, “no”. Which reminds me:

NOTE: It’s OK to say “no” in a serious tone, and then do the thing she asked after making her sweat a little. Sarcasm and humor, if done right, will earn you big points.

4) Learn how to use sarcasm and humor right! You need to master being funny and a little cocky at the same time. Too cocky, and you come across insecure and arrogant. Too funny, and you come off as goofy and stray dangerously close to the friend zone. Believe it or not but you need to bust on them a bit. Don’t go hard. Don’t tell her that her mom is so fat that she jumped in the air and got stuck. Tease them about something you can tell they made a point for you to notice. Whether it’s a fresh ‘do, a nice dress to accentuate a figure, or whatever. Let her know you notice with a little joke. Make a joke about her being attracted to you. Pretty women aren’t used to this and their interest is piqued immediately because it is new territory. Plus, who doesn’t like to laugh? It is universally understood that women are attracted to confident men. Also widely known is that humor also attracts women. Well 1+1=2 right?

NOTE: Remove the phrase, “Oh, I was just kidding” from your vocabulary. You have to tell the jokes with a straight face for maximum effectiveness.

Follow these rules and you should have more success meeting the girls you thought you had no chance with before. Remember that I am just attempting to get you in the game. If you blow the lay-up that’s on you. Or if you two hit it off and decide to take it to the next level…I don’t Oprah or something.

As always, I leave you with some wise words that encapsulate the spirit of the article.

“Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and, scary enough, even your money. It’s a disease…”
A Pimp Named Slickback

S. Monet

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

No Black Or Mongols Allowed.

originally posted 8/2008

It is amazing what one may find surfing the internet after a day of working. Much to my chagrin, I have found that neither me nor my Mongolian love and touch would be allowed in a bar in the worker’s district during the Olympics. Potentially, this will be the center of social activity during the Beijing games.

O.k. now let me be easy here and toe this line properly. It is one thing to get after a racist hacker or clown the Jesse Helms lover from South Carolina, but it is a completely different matter to give the most populous country in the world a dosage of ether. This story is a hard one to stomach though. Some of their fears may be based on legitimate criminal acts but it is the matter in which these fears are being handled.

This is an excellent opportunity to do some mini research on China as I only know what I’ve been able to obtain from various programs, classmates, and movies (when did Chinese people lose the ability to fly?) Seriously though, it is one of the oldest surviving civilizations on Earth. Put them in perspective by checking out the Wiki article on the United States:

The first indigenous peoples were thought to have migrated from Asia around 12000-40000 years ago.

St. Augustine (the first European settlement) was founded in 1507.
Jamestown was the first successful English settled in 1607. It’s a shame what happened to the poor Roanoke settlement.

Pilgrims settled Plymouth in 1620.

The 13 colonies declared independence on July 4, 1776.


The Great Wall was built around the 5th century BC. I respect that. Many kingdoms and empires have risen and fallen since then yet China has stood through this all. It would be tough to judge a culture by our standards when it has been around far longer than our US culture.

With that said though, it is Communist meaning the government controls the country and its policies with a heavy hand. The very idea of the Olympics in China creates of conflict interests as far a human rights. There again, I cannot with a clear conscience say that is wrong to have the Olympics there. Germany, while under Hitler, hosted the 1932 1936 games. The US has hosted the Olympics several times and we all know of our human rights indiscretions. To me, it seems terribly conflicting to have games there with the protests over China’s policy on Tibet. While the other host countries have faced some of their past indiscretions for the most part, Chinese government officials appear to march to its own tune when it comes to human rights.

Racism whether intentional or not is an atrocity. Banning Blacks and Mongols does nothing to improve the image of China, and we knew this was not a bastion of civil rights. Ironically, during March of this year, China was removed from the top 10 list of human rights violators. Some of my conspiracy theorists friends would say it was a ploy by large corporations to freely sponsor the Olympics in spite of the protests. I do not have enough proof to say this is the case but it is strangely ironic. Why would a company not want to the ability to enter a market of or gain a greater market share of 1.3 billion people? An event that should celebrate athletes and the spirit of unity is being clouded by being held in a country that doesn’t appear to believe in its motto.

On the other foot, the money must be really good for a black person to deal drugs in China. Six people got capital punishment for drug trafficking in China. Word???? These were repeat offenders but come on man. You feel comfortable being the dope man in a place where this ish is going down? I have friends who got a couple of years in the pen for trafficking. CHINA IS GIVING CAPITAL PUNISHMENT FOR TRAFFICKING. It is not fair to stereotype an entire group of people by the few who are dumb so someone should beat the brakes off these guys. You have to be plain stupid to take that risk. Still though, categorically denying people simple day to day activities because of their ethnicity is ridiculous.

I have said a lot to say that everyone should do their research and make an informed opinion. This is not an article against the people of China. It is an article against the policies of the Chinese government. Think for a moment, freely expressing yourself is a luxury not had by the people of China. You would not be taking advantage of your rights as a citizen of this country if you did not express yourself.

Let me know what you think.

T. Hustleman

Monday, March 19, 2012

Ask A Guy - Are Plutonic (Platonic) Relationships Extinct?

by Seymour Monet

Q: Is it truly possible for a man and woman to be in a plutonic relationship?
Short answer: No because that would mean that the relationship was formed by the solidification of magma..So, unless you are messing around with volcano’s I don’t think that will happen. If you mean platonic then its no for us and yes for you.

Long answer: This is actually a question I’ve been Hulk Hoganing with for a minute believe it or not. I’m typically not one to say something absolutely can’t happen because I’ve seen so much occur that I would’ve previously thought impossible. (i.e. The Two Corey’s, T-Pain) The problem I have with it is the reciprocation of friendly feelings. I almost sounded smart there didn’t I? Anyway. This is one of the few subjects that you will ever see me waffle on. Enjoy it while it lasts snitches. And the first “syrup” joke will get someone castrated.

Since I am tackling this subject for the masses I decided to press pause on my F-Webster movement and look up the word “platonic.” It reads…
a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex.

Ok, so fuck that…

Look I see it like this. Relationship is the key word here. The terms actually contradict themselves because if you listen to that bastard Webster a relationship is defined by being …a romantic or passionate attachment. Now you see why I say fuck Webster. Digressing, the other interpretations allow a relationship to range from a friendship to a splackavellie. What to believe? Me! Here it is:
Women are the only creatures that have the emotional facets to allow for several relationship variations. Men have friends and chicks. That’s it. If by rare blue moon a man actually considers a female a friend only, I promise he barely considers her a broad at all. Sucks…I know.

I would start with the dick in a glass case offensive here but women would inevitably use the “it’s not about sex defense”. That’s old. It’s more than that now really. A “friend” to a woman is whatever she isn’t getting at home. Conversation, pipe, attention, laughter, longstroke, understanding, making you feel wanted …the list goes on and on. Men and women can definitely have a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex. Any routine from a mid-30’s stand up would have you believe that marriage is that way.

Another blog…another time…

But dammit some passion is present! We are getting the shit end of the stick here and that’s evident. You get to have your Devils food and eat it too, while we just get blue balls. Now here is where my belief that all things are possible gets in the way. Being that you have such emotional range I will allow for certain anomalies that prove this rule…certain childhood/family friends, sweetchucks, and some ex’s. What you have to realize is that you have the capacity to have “levels” of friendship. We simply don’t have as many categories…guy friend, girl friend, best friend, friend friend, church friend, club friend, sometimey friend. Whereas we have the fellas and the “to bone or not to bone”. That’s it.

While the appearance of a strict, mature non-sexual relationship is evident. I assure you ladies we are one come hither look away from a porno bass guitar riff. It is rare and I mean black athlete/black wife rare that you will find a guy that is “friends” with a girl he is no way shape or form attracted to. For some reason (duh) we won’t even consider just hanging with a chick unless there is a chance we can get down. Hell, most dudes end up there without a choice! While I won’t discount the advantages of having some female friends around for some honest feedback and opinions; it just isn’t platonic if one party is looking at the other like a piece of prime rib. Medium. Mmmmm.

This is another classic case of something that is sexy in theory and fugly in practice. Men and women can be friends yes. Can they be in anything marked by the complete absence of passion, romance and sex?

Let me see if I can channel Smokey. Hellll naw!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Ask A Guy - Do men care if the woman is being pleased?

by Preston Swagger

Do men really care if the woman is being pleased?

This is a good question because the answer is also a pretty big indicator on 1 of 2 things:

1. The type of relationship you’re in.


2. The type of guy you’re with.

These may sound like the same thing, but they most certainly are not. But I’ll come back to that in a second. Right now let’s get into it:
I’d say yes—by and large—most guys do care if you’re being pleased. It’s in our best interest to care. I try to treat sex—especially first time sex—like a woman is visiting my restaurant for the first time. I want her to be comfortable. I want her to enjoy the ambiance. I want her to be pleased by the service. I want her to come again and again. I’d like her to talk about her great time with anyone who asks (business owners know it’s all about good word of mouth!). And lastly I’d like her to be a repeat customer.

Some head would be nice too…

But I digress.

My point is this—all of those things are good for me and they’ll come IF it was GOOD FOR HER. Our very mutual interests are obvious to most guys. So ladies, find yourself a great place to dine—make sure he keeps his best table reserved for you and isn’t servicing the whole town and you’ll be straight…
Now for the women who are dealing with a guy who seems less than interested in your sexual satisfaction, there are generally 3 reasons why. Here they are:

1. You’re just a jumpoff (see indicator #1 – The type of relationship you’re in). If you’re just the “post-party, half drunk, I need to get one off” chick, than why would we care if you’re “satisfied”. It’s the exact opposite—he called you to make sure HE was satisfied. And there’s no problem with that, so long as you both know what you’re walking into.
**Editor’s Note: This also works in reverse. If you had a girls night out, came home alone, and need some good servicing and an empty bed in the morning when you wake up. We can hook that up. As a matter of fact when she thinks of good service—who do you think will come to mind?!? The great restaurant owner!! That’s who!!**

Now on to reason #2:

2. You’re with a dude who ain’t worth shit. I can’t put it any clearer than that. This is probably the same guy who’ll WATCH you clean the whole house and do the laundry while he chills on the couch. And then once you’ve got the place spotless, he’ll make ONE plate of YOUR leftovers and then leave a dirty dish, fork and knife in the sink.

If you’re in any kind of continual relationship with a guy who just doesn’t care about your physical satisfaction, you need to break the hell out. What makes you think it will change? What makes you think it won’t spill over into other aspects of the relationship? Look at the situation as simple as possible. You give physically but don’t get anything in return and continue to come back. Outside of gold diggers, how does this benefit you? What sense does it make?

Lastly, there is the rare reason #3

3. He really has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. How can you tell if you have a guy like this? One word:

If he’s genuinely trying to please you. If he’s trying to pull out a new technique or trick to make you happy every time you see him. If he seems genuinely disappointed that you didn’t get yours… Then just have that man slow down, try not to kick his ego into the ocean and help him out a little bit. Just remember that this is always there rarest of the 3 reasons… There aren’t too many good-hearted, nice looking, completely naïve guys running around out there. Don’t kid yourself.

Peace, Love, and Fine Dining,


Thursday, March 15, 2012

Icabod Calls Out Black Women (at his own risk!)

by I.M. Haight

This is something that has pissed me off for years. I am a black man and I love black women but I don’t think you love yourselves. First off, there is nothing wrong with you. And for that matter, there has never been anything wrong. Despite what the media portrays or what you believe, you are by far the strongest, smartest, most resourceful, most devout, most beautiful, and downright damn finest creatures walking this earth. You built this nation and continue to be the world’s backbone, yet the majority of you don’t realize it. I will admit some fault lies with the opposite sex and the long term demeaning of women. However, the bulk of the fault lies within each individual woman who does not realize and claim her God given power.

Then there is the mantra. “Why aren’t there more black women in the media?” The complaint that comes directly after that deals with the complexion of the black women who do happen to make it. Valid points, but answer me this. Why were breast implants, collagen injections, and rump plumping procedures invented?

To emulate you.

Because white women lacked the proportions that the white man coveted. The shape and stature that black men have loved for so many years. Miscegenation started when white men forced themselves onto slaves, long before “mixed”(I hate that fucking word….another blog, another time) girls took over video shoots or magazine covers. The slave owners could not resist the obvious strength and resilient beauty of the black woman. So, before you are so quick to say that nobody wants you, remember that everyone does.

To the black woman who wears tons of makeup.

Stop. Your skin was made the perfect shade in God’s eyes.

To the black woman who feels she is only worth her body.

Stop. You have blood of kings and queens in your veins.

To the black woman who pushes things up and lets things hang out.

Stop. The world already wants your body so get your mind and spirit on the same level.

To the black woman who only checks for an account balance before saying “I do”.

Stop. Because you have been blessed with a spirit and will to get your own.

To the black woman who is always critical and negative…

Stop. We long for your support.

To the black woman who is giving up on the first night.

Stop. We long to respect you.

To all black women; there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, everything is all right…

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Ish You Should Know - How To Cook A Steak

I mentioned in my list of things that guy’s shouldn’t do that burning a steak is next to a capital offense. I then started to think about all the times I have seen marvelous cuts of meat not only hockey pucked up but also undercooked, over seasoned, and just downright tough as taffy.

So, I figured I would enlighten all the bovine challenged out there how to properly handle beef. (No porno quote intended).

I feel like a bit of education is in need first though.

In order to cook a steak properly, you must first understand what you’re working with. This knowledge is vital because each cut requires a different method of cooking. Learning your cuts and understanding the traits of each, is the first key to preparing a great steak.

You can find cooking times here.

Generally speaking, the one common denominator to look for across the meat board is marbling distribution. Marbling is the white fat that you see in all cuts of beef. An even distribution throughout the meat is a good thing.

Remember this.

Ribeye steaks tend to have more marbling than other cuts. Naturally, if you are trying to avoid fat in your diet you will have to go for leaner cuts. Then, of course, you will have to add a tad bit more for flavor.

Knowing your cooking method is the next step on the road to the perfect steak. From pan searing to grilling there really is no one perfect way to cook a steak. I prefer a charcoal grill, while some others might prefer the crust of a pan sear. Since I prefer charcoal, most of the advice that I’m going to give you revolves around an open flame. However, depending on the cut, there are more desirable methods to achieve desirable results.

You can learn more about cooking methods here.

The next key is often overlooked but is basic common sense. Allow your steak to become as close to room temperature as possible before cooking. Simply put, a cold steak takes longer to get to the desired temperature risking charring on the outside.

I can’t stress the next point enough. A good cut of beef is flavorful enough! You do not need to over season or over sauce it. I don’t knock it if that’s how you like it. But I feel they are best with a little olive oil, kosher salt, and freshly cracked pepper….maybe a little garlic if you’re feeling jazzy.

Here is a good place to find some steak recipes and other general information.

Closely following the importance of that step is this: While cooking, never touch your steak other than to turn it. Don’t be the guy pulling a Jason and stabbing the steak to death; wasting all the juices. Always use tongs and try to time it so you only have to turn it once. Also, do not put the steaks on while the grill is at its peak. Cook some dogs first or something. Flame ups are your enemy here first and foremost. If you run into an inferno you can’t handle just close the vents, close the lid and it should die out. If you can, make a squirt bottle to keep handy then do so. Refrain from playing hot potato with the meat while the fire is dancing. Burned steak is an affront to steak lover’s everywhere. You want a good crust but not asphalt.

There are places in the South where you will get jumped for burning food on the grill.

If you follow these steps and study up you should never run into that polite smile/half grimace of someone biting into your nasty ass food. Holla.

I.M. Haight

How to Talk to Pretty Women

Alright fellas, its education time again. I’ve noticed a steadily growing trend that badly needs to be addressed. Men turned to complete invertebrates when in the face of a pretty woman…if not spineless then definitely firmly outside of their comfort zone. I will be the first to admit that a pretty face and a smile is one of the more intoxicating things on the planet.

Point granted.

However, obsequious flattery will get you labeled as "the nice guy." Trust me when I say, you would rather be labeled a leper than be known as the nice guy. I’ll explain later. The crux of this issue is the belief that somehow immensely hot women need to be treated "better" because they look better.

Those are mistakes number one, two and three.

Yes, a slightly different approach needs to be taken but not necessarily one that is going to classify you as a wuss. Before we begin I want to be clear that I am
not attempting to be a relationship counselor, I am just trying to get you to a point where you can increase your success rate with at least getting the gorgeous girls phone number. Learning her and keeping her satisfied is all on you buddy.

Call Dr. Phil for that shit.

I’ve been desensitized in a sense. The female side of my family (including Mom dukes) consists of beauty pageant contestants and winners. I’ve seen men turn into puddles in front of them. I’ve gone to dinner with Aunts where random men offered to pick up the check. I’ve gone to clubs with cousins and been let in free. These men thought they were making an impression by going above and beyond. What they failed to realize is that this is the norm for gorgeous women. Special attention is what they are used to receiving therefore it won’t leave an indelible impression. Also, I am not an asshole but I did played one on TV (aka in college) and I’ll be damned if I couldn’t tell a difference in my success rate. I’m no expert but I know a little bit.

Let me start by being clear about the type of woman I am talking about here. I’m not talking about cute or attractive. I’m referring to the woman that makes you think “she must have a boyfriend” or “she must be stuck up” at first glance. Which leads me to my first point:

Surprisingly, most overly hot women don’t get genuinely approached as much as you would think. I’m not saying that they don’t have choices, mind you. When I say genuine, I’m talking about something more than a wink or grin. For an attractive woman, every smile, every kind gesture, and every favor is in one way or another viewed as interest. Some guys will take themselves out of the race before it starts. Another percentage shoot themselves in the nuts by letting these thoughts usurp their confidence before they get to "hello". What they do get an abundance of is: the guy that thinks “hello” isn’t good enough. The guy that thinks he needs to impress her right off…the guy who continually tells her how pretty she is….the guy who feels the need to let her know that his world will revolve around her. These are the worst mistakes ever, solely because of the “Pretty Woman Phenomena.”

What is that, you ask?

It is the reason you need my help, hairy palm.

It sounds daunting but the PWP is quite simple really. Even though they aren’t, all babies are treated as the cutest things on the planet. When girls reach toddler age the games begin. At just about every turn they are told how cute and beautiful they are. This is followed closely by either a gift or some other positive reinforcement. So, they begin to attach their self-worth to their looks. As they age, the compliments grow in number and the actions grow in frequency. This affects each woman differently. You will either have a princess, bag lady or a Cadbury crème egg. The princess expects to be treated royally initially because she knows nothing else. The bag lady develops issues because she thinks that her looks are all she has. While the Cadbury egg acts like a bitch initially to scare off the punks she doesn’t want to turn down, even though she’s the sweetest thing on the planet (aka her soft and creamy middle).

Eventually though women will become numb to compliments and special behavior because that is all they have ever known. Look at it like this; If you keep fucking up with your girl and you always say "I’m sorry", after awhile, “I’m sorry”, loses its power. If she’s heard it her whole life then approaching her with, "you are very pretty" is the same as "hey, I’m a master of the obvious! Wanna dance?" Most times it won’t work.

So what does work??????

Well this is where things tend to get a bit tricky…and this is also where I take my leave. Now that we’ve laid the ground work, stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

More Head State

Q: How can a girl/woman convince the non-conforming male to give head?

A: WTF?? They still make that model? For the record I looove the “Australian kiss” (think French kiss but down under) for the response you get and the fact that I’m just generally freaky. Now, being selective is a given, I understand that. But not going down at all??


I see my help is direly needed and apparently not a moment too late.

Answering this question is difficult because I have to assume some things and I hate making an ass of myself. I am going to answer this assuming that we are talking about a guy you are in some sort of relationship with and not just a serviceman. You can’t ask for much from meat slingers except meat. I will also assume from the “non-conforming” part of the question that you have already come out and asked the guy. Please don’t underestimate our one track minds. If you don’t tell us that there is a problem then we think everything is non-lumpy gravy. The final, and most crucial, assumption is that you are following proper hygiene rituals. Even the freakiest seafood lover will run from spoiled trout. That leaves us with one of two types of guys, either he’s selfish or a prude. Let’s deal with the selfish guy first because I believe the prude to be rare.

As crass as it may seem the only way (besides straight leaving him) to deal with the selfish guy rests solely on your head placement. Before you get your Vickie’s in a pickle let me explain. The selfish guy is almost cocky in the sense that he believes his penile work to be enough to satisfy you.

Silly, silly men…

You are going to have to attack this guy. Attack his ego by letting him know you aren’t satisfied. Attack him sexually. If you aren’t giving him head, then start. If you are giving him head, then stop. Let him know why things have changed as well. You need to be aggressive because he has lasted this long with going down. He will have to be convinced that this will benefit him in some way shape or form.

The prude, surprisingly, is going to be easy. He just needs his world opened up. He most likely is interested in satisfying you in all facets but looks at cunnilingus as nasty or too freaky. Ease him into it by introducing new elements here and there. Watch some porn together, touch yourself in front of him, touch him in the movies, AND wake him up to a BJ. I promise in no time he won’t tell you no to any request. I know I damn sure wouldn’t!!

Finally, I want to talk to the fellas reading this real quick. If you are the type of guy this deprived young lady has run across, understand that the game has changed. Women can and will get what they want somehow, someway. I’m not saying you need to start grooming every cat in town, but you certainly need to be licking the kitten at home. That is all.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Ask A Guy - Do Men Fake Orgasms??

Q: Do men fake orgasms?

A: Yup. We sure do…

Thanks for the questions! Keep ‘em coming!

Oh…you want to know why? Alright, I’ll break it down for you:

I don’t feel like using clinical terms, so we’re gonna get a little raunchy. If that’s not for you, now would be a good time for you to click another link.

Here we go:

After a guy busts a nut, a little recuperation time is needed (sometimes he needs til morning...ha!). But most guys can usually take a break and then get it crackin again. The gifted few *brushes dirt off shoulder* can keep their stroke going while they are recharging.

But ladies, you knew this…

Here’s what you may not have known: Each orgasm after the first is a little tougher/trickier to get. The second bust is fairly common. (It’s also usually the showstopper.) After that second nut, there’s a wonderful relaxing…kinda empty feeling that washes over us (that’s why we ask you for a sandwich. We NEED that shit). But every now and then, we go for that illustrious third orgasm. It is the toughest to achieve, but if we feel even an inkling that says we can pull it off, we dive right back into…ummmm…


And that’s when it happens:

After a few minutes we realize…it ain’t happenin. Mr. Happy might be staying up and doing his job, but after each nut the sensitivity of our dick changes and it often times has nothing to do with you. It just ain’t happening. Meanwhile, there you are—our girlfriend or just our lady for the evening—riding, keeping the knees up, or backing that thang up. I mean you are doing your damn duty! And still…

It ain’t happenin…

So what do we do now?

Just stop? Pull out and tell you the truth? In that moment would you even believe us? Would you not wonder just a little bit if it’s your fault? I don’t want that insecurity creepin in. I want you to just keep throwing that thing around with reckless abandon!

So what do we do……We fake an orgasm.

Everyone is happy. We get a sandwich (pretty please). And we both go to sleep. And that’s why we do it.


That’s also why women shouldn’t do it!! You see, we fake it very rarely and it’s only because you were feeling so lovely that we thought we could go overboard in search of that 3rd or 4th nut. We do it because your shit was good! Women do it cause shit AIN’T good!!

That's a big damn difference...

Women, you deserve to get pleased! You deserve your orgasm as much as we do. And if you ain’t gettin it, don’t fake it!

Show that fool!

Teach that fool!

If need be…grab one of your toys or use your hands…to HELP that fool.

But don’t fake it…Because then you’re only cheating yourself. And there’s no need to…

I’ll be a fool for you…

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Deal Breakers!

by Preston Swagger

It still amazes me how a nice smile can be so damn enchanting! Mesmerizing even. It’s like getting knocked in the head with something and being stunned for a few seconds.

She had one of those smiles. And it got me…


Luckily I’m an expert at hiding my feelings (It comes with the testosterone I guess) so no one ever noticed my temporary state of stunned disorientation whenever this girl gave me a toothy grin. But then it happened…my dealbreaker…

We drank together.
And she got BEYOND sloppy.
FUCK! I hope this isn’t a habit because:


1. Consistently sloppy drunks. Sure everyone gets a pass on New Years, and the 4th, and Labor Day and Cinco De Mayo, and Thanksgiving (family can be a BITCH), and Christmas, and funerals and weddings, and even Valentine’s Day if you’ve had your heart beat up. But DAMN isn’t that enough passes?! When you turn me into a de facto babysitter all the time…you’re fuckin up my buzz! Deal broken.

2. Women who don’t drink at all! I know, I know it’s slightly hypocritical, but I don’t think I’m asking for too much. Just know what you can handle. Get like me and let’s drink until we’re just short of sloppy and then let the tipsy hookups begin.

3. Cigarette smokers - obvious reasons. Just can’t fuck with it
NOTE: A female who smokes the occasional cigar is the EXACT OPPOSITE. Email me if that’s you!
I’m gonna swing by and add to this list throughout the day, but hit me up in the comments and let me know what BREAKS THE DEAL for you!! (You can skip the obvious stuff like a crack habit or a 3rd arm or whatever).

**Edit 1 My man Mirth reminded me of another good one!! Social Independence…You’ve gotta have YOUR girls and YOUR friends. Go do YOUR own shit from time to time. No matter how fine or cool you are (hopefully both)—you CANNOT be up under ME all that time. Trust me baby, I’m not THAT interesting.**

Peace, Love and A Great Buzz,


Friday, March 9, 2012

Ish You Should Know Calvin Patterson

Tobias calls out the million dollar athletes who fuck it all up for themselves, their family, and the culture—and recognizes one of many who tried not to…

My alter ego works a 9-5 job, is pretty proud of what he has accomplished, but knows he has a lot to accomplish still. It is not the sense of accomplishment that battles complacency. Rather, it is the sense of how quickly things could turn for the worse. No matter how much you achieve in a field or particular interest, there is still more to do in life and for the world.In this the age of multi-million dollar athletes with their endorsements, it pains me when athletes waste their talent because they get wrapped in a life or rep.

This point personified is Michael Vick.

There are things in cultures that others do not understand, and that’s o.k. Someone though, should have said,“Hey Michael, don’t fight pit bulls…idiot.” Here’s another. “Hey Nate Newton don’t transport hundreds of pounds of weed in the Mystery Machine.”

This is not an attack on African American players because all people make mistakes. Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers was hooked on crack, but he made it back. I have a partiality to his story because he is a North Carolina boy. Chris Anderson of the New Orleans Hornets ran into the same situation and we’ll see how far he makes it back. What (in the fuck) was Matt Jones thinking getting caught cutting up coke? The stories are endless and cut across race.

I gear this toward black people because with minorities, athletes are particularly polarized as representatives of the culture. When you have bouts of idiocy, it is reflective of a people. You’re spiting people, history and the cause. Google Calvin Patterson and see what you’ll find. Here is a young man who was the first Black player to play for the Florida State Seminoles. His story was so tragic that FSU didn’t even recognize him as such. For decades, J.T. Thomas was recognized as the first.

Patterson enrolled in FSU in 1968 after growing up with his great aunt in Dade County. He enrolled in a white school in the south where football is more sacred than communion. He faced the obligatory death threats, internal racism for dating a white woman, and the Florida A&M students resented him for attending a white school.
In reading the article at, two particular points touched me about the story. One, he was befriended by a professor who was raised essentially as a racist. After attending Cornell, the professor’s eyes were opened and became the campus liason for black enrollement.

People do learn and can change.

In general, we would not be where we are today if people did not change. Racism does still exist but those out front cannot continually give people a reason to believe in the stereotypes they were taught.
Secondly and most importantly, after being ruled ineligible to play due to his academic performance, it seems Patterson felt worst about not being able to play for his family. At least from what I can infer, he felt a responsibility (or perhaps a burden depending on your sentiment) of playing and representing his family. Faced with not playing football, he shot himself in the stomach in attempt to end his playing career. Sadly, he bled to death before the ambulance arrived.

History did balance itself out somewhat in this case. Tommy Warren, a former quarterback of the Seminoles, became a civil rights lawyer in Florida and fought for the recognition of Patterson as the first African American player at FSU. Patterson’s family was recognized in 2004 and a scholarship was established in his name.

It stories like these that prevent you from feeling sorry for an athlete ruining an opportunity. It’s not for me to judge how Calvin Patterson chose to deal with his circumstances because I have never had to experience those conditions. I can judge him for having pride enough in his family and community to know that he was representing them. He had to have been a source of pride for them as well.
When an athlete Vicks his situation, I have no sympathy because you’re only perpetuating a feeling of negativity against black athletes and to some, black people as a whole. Don’t worry if you’re not street anymore. You’re making millions of dollars to play a sport. There are people who cannot put food on their table…and you dogfight?! Your boys are not your boys if they will let you do something that will ruin your opportunity. If they do call you on it and you don’t listen, that is your mistake. Live with the consequences.

I hope athletes appreciate their role. Whether you know it or not, people are watching and judging. Right or wrong, these are the circumstances.

Represent, your family, friends and culture men and women. Change a mind or two.

Metro (Sexual) Man

by Preston Swagger

LOOK! Up in the sky!! It’s a bird!! It’s a plane!! No….It’s….Metro-Man

So the fellas and I are out playing pool and drinking. A few ladies are with us and were all just shootin the shit and having a good time. I make some comment about sports, or beer, or women, or all three (I honestly can’t remember), and one of the girls laughs and turns to me and says,
“Preston, you are such a guy”.

Honestly….It was one of the nicest things anyone has said to me in a while.

I’m proud to be a “guy’s guy”. I’m proud to be Mel Gibson from the first half of “What Women Want” or Eddie Murphy from the first half of “Boomerang”. I enjoy it. (Although Eddie was a little too pretty in that movie). So we got into a drunken, pool playing discussion about what makes a guy metro or not (is there really any other way to discuss these things?).
So here’s my take on the whole metrosexual thing. I’m fine with the term, I just don’t like the guys that represent the idea of the classic metrosexuals. I mean, there are some things that I do (no, I’m not telling you) that could be considered metro, and I acknowledge that. I just don’t like being called metro because most people think of someone like Ryan Seacrest or Ricky Martin or some shit. Growing up, getting called a “pretty boy” was fighting words. I guess I still don’t take too kindly to it.

So you may be asking yourself, “Yo Preston, if you admittedly do some things that can be considered metro…why aren’t you a metrosexual?” To which I’d reply, “Mind your neck!!!.” Then, after I laughed I would tell you the real reason…

PRIORITIES… my good friend….priorities.

Let me give an example:

I was watching one of those “The Fabulous Life Of…” shows on VH-1. They showed a clip of Diddy on the phone in his penthouse office while some lady was giving him a pedicure. Now I don’t think that is a metrosexual thing to do. If I had millions of dollars, then sure I’d pay some chick a few bucks to massage my feet and cut my toenails for me. I mean, bending down and cutting my own toenails isn’t something I’ll miss doing…so…Why the fuck not…

I’m rich biatch!!

But if you’re a guy making around $40,000 and you’re just 9-5ing it like most people–but still finding time (and money) to go get mani/pedis?!?! YOU, my friend are a metrosexual.
And that’s what I mean about priorities. If I have to make an appointment and go to the salon and spend money that I would otherwise use for drinking, or clubbing, or seeing a ballgame with the boys…that would be ridiculous. That would be a metrosexual. But if I’m rich as all hell and can snap my fingers and have a chick there rubbin down my boats?!

Well that’s just pimp!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

TM Throwback - "The Truth Merchants Guide to Workplace Etiquette"

Below is an article from September 2009 by one of the staff writters, KP. We've been out of the game since 2009???

Amongst my peers I often get clowned for receiving the Golden W-2 award for most jobs in a lifetime.

Hardy har.

I don’t argue that I’ve bounced around. That also makes me uniquely qualified to write this guide. Don’t mistake this for some white collar bull that’s going to tell you how to properly format a meeting memo.
I’m going to tell you how not to be the office asshole or weirdo. Print this out. Put it up in your cube. Study it at night. Whatever. Just don’t be that person!

First and foremost guys please DON'T be the office perv. (I’ll get to the ladies in a sec) Besides the possible HR issue, you’re just creepy dude. Always got your hand in your pocket, staring at anything that shakes, sending those “little Johnny” halfway dirty emails.

Just stop it.

If you slide up next to a female co-worker trying to strike up a conversation, and she never turns to look at you. Walk away! If she turns down one invite for drinks or “lunch.” Don’t ask again! The only thing worse than being the office perv is being the old office perv.

Ladies DON'T be the Transit Authority at work. In other words, don’t give everyone a ride (yes, that kind of ride). Office romance is romance. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about giving anybody who brings you some staples a happy ending. I kid...but I don’t. As we’ve mentioned several times on this site, we won’t respect you. And the women in the office will hate you.

DON'T be the office mouth waterfall. If someone asks “how’s it going?” or “how are you?” just say “Good and you?” and keep it moving. No one wants you to lie down on the couch and spill your guts. That question once had me hemmed up in a break room listening to an eerily Maury-esque story about her 16 yr. old getting pregnant. When people ask those questions...they don’t want to know! And contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to speak at all. A smile and nod does wonders.
Exceptions to this rule include: “How was your weekend?” and “How is your family?” You are then given a maximum of two short anecdotes or one long one to sum it up and keep it moving.

Don’t be the office terrorist. Blowing up the bathroom at work deserves water boarding, in my opinion. I know some gastrointestinal issues are too much to handle. Sh** happens. (ha!) I feel you! But I’ve got three words for you.


I’ve walked into some bathrooms and the pain of singed nose hairs immediately trumped my bladder. Just because you wanted Taco Hell for lunch; why does everyone else have to choose between breathing and pissing? The courtesy flush is dual purpose though. You know when the fireworks are gonna pop off bub, you know when the Hershey squirts are about to begin. Flush to cover that up...PLEASE!

Don’t be the office ashtray. This rule is for those who take smoke breaks (which I am 100% against). You f***ing stink. That’s it. Aint no more to it.

Don’t be the Food Nazi. The food Nazi is the person that might put in their order with everyone else for delivery and have eleventy million order modifications. Then gets mad if one thing is wrong. Your special needs a** should order for yourself! Oh yeah, extra duck sauce means at most a handful. Not the whole damn condiment bag! (that one was personal) Or the person who feels the need to rule pot lucks with an iron fist. There are bound to be some pot luck pirates for every work function. Let it go! There is no need to have a clipboard checking shit off like a nightclub bouncer. Which leads me to.

Don’t be the Pot Luck Pirate. Or at least…don’t get caught!. If your cheap ass didn’t want to sign up or missed signing up for the napkins and cups cop out, don’t have your happy ass in line talking about how good everything looks. And don’t pile up plates like your going into a fallout bunker. Put some blinders on, get a small sample of each dish, cover it up and eat it later. This is key. You are only fanning flames by sitting with the people who chipped in.
The only exception to this rule is during your birthday month. Feel free to crash any and all celebrations or pot lucks during your birthday this period without chipping in for any of them. Consider it your birthday gift.

Don’t be Pig-Pen from the Peanuts. I know there are times when we all run late and skip some morning rituals. But at least cover the booger bases. Nose and eye! Furthermore, don’t get all offended when someone gives you the “nose brush” to let you know you have some booger dust present. And that Tide commercial with the talking stain is on the money. Dirty clothes speak louder than you do. Trust.

Speaking of clothes. Don’t be the office Betty Boop or Austin Powers. Ladies I appreciate your desire to want to look sexy. But if you drop something at work and can’t pick it up without doing yoga. Your clothes might be a little too tight. I know business casual is a very loose term but I don’t think a purple Baby Phat tank top fits. I also know that talking about shoes to women is like walking into a minefield, blindfolded, with clown shoes on buuuuuut shouldn’t your shoes look more like your going to work the polls and not a pole? I’m just saying. Fellas if you look in the mirror and say to yourself, “does this work?” IT DOESN’T! I’m not hating on your fashion hustle but are sweater vests and bow ties necessary? I’m not advocating going out and buying name brand or changing your entire wardrobe. I just want you to hang up that suit with the shoulder pads. Look like your wearing a Frankenstein costume without the mask.

And with that I’m done, but please don’t consider this list complete. I know there are office transgressions I’ve missed that warrant calling out. So let’s have it.

What else are people just not getting at work?


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

We're Getting the Band Back Together

It's true. We're getting the band back together and while it may not be a mission from God,we are certainly going to bring back our brand of truth. The expected launch date for the site is April 1-ish. If you visited the previous incarnation of the site, you can expect the same brand of humor, truth and wit. For those joining for the first time, come back here and check out some of our greatest hits. Some of our best articles including the "Dear You" spectacles will be posted.

Laugh. Get Mad. Comment...but most importantly, enjoy.

Monday, March 5, 2012