Part 2--How To Talk To Pretty Women

originally posted 9/2008

Let’s talk about attraction for a moment. In order for some men to fully understand where I’m going here, I have to deconstruct some ideals first.

1) Attraction isn’t a choice.

I repeat…ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE! As humans, we don’t consciously choose who we feel attracted to. It just happens to us. And you can’t convince someone to feel this powerful emotion. We do choose who we want to marry and things like that. But animal attraction isn’t a choice.

2) Attraction doesn’t make sense.

When you think about the concept of being emotionally attracted to another person, it only “makes sense” that you should feel attracted to good qualities like niceness and honesty and loyalty, right? Sorry to be the one to tell you this but attraction doesn’t play by those rules. The things that we are attracted to don’t make logical sense when you look at them. We all know that attractive women seem to date a lot of jackasses.

Seem strange?

Let’s see if this scenario seems familiar: Ever dealt with a woman who says what they think when they’re asked a question...but they tend to act on their emotions when an actual situation presents itself?

Trick question.

Of course you have!

Women are built that way. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just how it is. The same goes for attraction. Women say they want a nice guy but feel for the asshole. It’s like junk food versus healthy food. You know you need healthy food but Snickers is still making money! Understanding these things is your path to enlightenment young Jedi!

Now you may be asking yourself, “Well gosh Seymour, how am I supposed to talk to pretty women?” If you are saying that, stop reading and ask the closest person to smack you for saying gosh. I can’t hold your hand for the rest of your life so hear me now and understand me forever. Here are a few pointers that should help out.

1) Stop being “nice” to attractive women when you first meet them. This means no asking women out all the time, no “special” gifts, no dishing out lots of compliments, no putting your needs aside, and no giving women special treatment or privileges just because they’re attractive. NOTE: I did not say to treat women badly. I’m just telling you to stop doing all the fake things you’re doing just to make women like you. If you actually get into a relationship there will be plenty of time for that.

2) Stop giving women your balls on a platter. In other words, stop giving away your power to women. Do not communicate in any way, shape, or form that you will put aside your own self respect in order to get a woman’s approval.

3) Say the word “no” to a request from an attractive woman at least once every single day. Don’t do it in an angry, mean, or Ike Turner-like way. Just simply say, “no”. Which reminds me:

NOTE: It’s OK to say “no” in a serious tone, and then do the thing she asked after making her sweat a little. Sarcasm and humor, if done right, will earn you big points.

4) Learn how to use sarcasm and humor right! You need to master being funny and a little cocky at the same time. Too cocky, and you come across insecure and arrogant. Too funny, and you come off as goofy and stray dangerously close to the friend zone. Believe it or not but you need to bust on them a bit. Don’t go hard. Don’t tell her that her mom is so fat that she jumped in the air and got stuck. Tease them about something you can tell they made a point for you to notice. Whether it’s a fresh ‘do, a nice dress to accentuate a figure, or whatever. Let her know you notice with a little joke. Make a joke about her being attracted to you. Pretty women aren’t used to this and their interest is piqued immediately because it is new territory. Plus, who doesn’t like to laugh? It is universally understood that women are attracted to confident men. Also widely known is that humor also attracts women. Well 1+1=2 right?

NOTE: Remove the phrase, “Oh, I was just kidding” from your vocabulary. You have to tell the jokes with a straight face for maximum effectiveness.

Follow these rules and you should have more success meeting the girls you thought you had no chance with before. Remember that I am just attempting to get you in the game. If you blow the lay-up that’s on you. Or if you two hit it off and decide to take it to the next level…I don’t know...watch Oprah or something.

As always, I leave you with some wise words that encapsulate the spirit of the article.

“Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and, scary enough, even your money. It’s a disease…”
A Pimp Named Slickback

S. Monet

How to Talk to Pretty Women

Alright fellas, its education time again. I’ve noticed a steadily growing trend that badly needs to be addressed. Men turned to complete invertebrates when in the face of a pretty woman…if not spineless then definitely firmly outside of their comfort zone. I will be the first to admit that a pretty face and a smile is one of the more intoxicating things on the planet.

Point granted.

However, obsequious flattery will get you labeled as "the nice guy." Trust me when I say, you would rather be labeled a leper than be known as the nice guy. I’ll explain later. The crux of this issue is the belief that somehow immensely hot women need to be treated "better" because they look better.

Those are mistakes number one, two and three.

Yes, a slightly different approach needs to be taken but not necessarily one that is going to classify you as a wuss. Before we begin I want to be clear that I am not attempting to be a relationship counselor, I am just trying to get you to a point where you can increase your success rate with at least getting the gorgeous girls phone number. Learning her and keeping her satisfied is all on you buddy.

Call Dr. Phil for that shit.

I’ve been desensitized in a sense. The female side of my family (including Mom dukes) consists of beauty pageant contestants and winners. I’ve seen men turn into puddles in front of them. I’ve gone to dinner with Aunts where random men offered to pick up the check. I’ve gone to clubs with cousins and been let in free. These men thought they were making an impression by going above and beyond. What they failed to realize is that this is the norm for gorgeous women. Special attention is what they are used to receiving therefore it won’t leave an indelible impression. Also, I am not an asshole but I did played one on TV (aka in college) and I’ll be damned if I couldn’t tell a difference in my success rate. I’m no expert but I know a little bit.

Let me start by being clear about the type of woman I am talking about here. I’m not talking about cute or attractive. I’m referring to the woman that makes you think “she must have a boyfriend” or “she must be stuck up” at first glance. Which leads me to my first point:

Surprisingly, most overly hot women don’t get genuinely approached as much as you would think. I’m not saying that they don’t have choices, mind you. When I say genuine, I’m talking about something more than a wink or grin. For an attractive woman, every smile, every kind gesture, and every favor is in one way or another viewed as interest. Some guys will take themselves out of the race before it starts. Another percentage shoot themselves in the nuts by letting these thoughts usurp their confidence before they get to "hello". What they do get an abundance of is: the guy that thinks “hello” isn’t good enough. The guy that thinks he needs to impress her right off…the guy who continually tells her how pretty she is….the guy who feels the need to let her know that his world will revolve around her. These are the worst mistakes ever, solely because of the “Pretty Woman Phenomena.”

What is that, you ask?

It is the reason you need my help, hairy palm.

It sounds daunting but the PWP is quite simple really. Even though they aren’t, all babies are treated as the cutest things on the planet. When girls reach toddler age the games begin. At just about every turn they are told how cute and beautiful they are. This is followed closely by either a gift or some other positive reinforcement. So, they begin to attach their self-worth to their looks. As they age, the compliments grow in number and the actions grow in frequency. This affects each woman differently. You will either have a princess, bag lady or a Cadbury crème egg. The princess expects to be treated royally initially because she knows nothing else. The bag lady develops issues because she thinks that her looks are all she has. While the Cadbury egg acts like a bitch initially to scare off the punks she doesn’t want to turn down, even though she’s the sweetest thing on the planet (aka her soft and creamy middle).

Eventually though women will become numb to compliments and special behavior because that is all they have ever known. Look at it like this; If you keep fucking up with your girl and you always say "I’m sorry", after awhile, “I’m sorry”, loses its power. If she’s heard it her whole life then approaching her with, "you are very pretty" is the same as "hey, I’m a master of the obvious! Wanna dance?" Most times it won’t work.

So what does work??????

Well this is where things tend to get a bit tricky…and this is also where I take my leave. Now that we’ve laid the ground work, stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.

TM Throwback - "The Truth Merchants Guide to Workplace Etiquette"

Below is an article from September 2009 by one of the staff writters, KP. We've been out of the game since 2009???



Amongst my peers I often get clowned for receiving the Golden W-2 award for most jobs in a lifetime.

Hardy har.

I don’t argue that I’ve bounced around. That also makes me uniquely qualified to write this guide. Don’t mistake this for some white collar bull that’s going to tell you how to properly format a meeting memo.
I’m going to tell you how not to be the office asshole or weirdo. Print this out. Put it up in your cube. Study it at night. Whatever. Just don’t be that person!

First and foremost guys please DON'T be the office perv. (I’ll get to the ladies in a sec) Besides the possible HR issue, you’re just creepy dude. Always got your hand in your pocket, staring at anything that shakes, sending those “little Johnny” halfway dirty emails.

Just stop it.

If you slide up next to a female co-worker trying to strike up a conversation, and she never turns to look at you. Walk away! If she turns down one invite for drinks or “lunch.” Don’t ask again! The only thing worse than being the office perv is being the old office perv.

Ladies DON'T be the Transit Authority at work. In other words, don’t give everyone a ride (yes, that kind of ride). Office romance is romance. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about giving anybody who brings you some staples a happy ending. I kid...but I don’t. As we’ve mentioned several times on this site, we won’t respect you. And the women in the office will hate you.

DON'T be the office mouth waterfall. If someone asks “how’s it going?” or “how are you?” just say “Good and you?” and keep it moving. No one wants you to lie down on the couch and spill your guts. That question once had me hemmed up in a break room listening to an eerily Maury-esque story about her 16 yr. old getting pregnant. When people ask those questions...they don’t want to know! And contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to speak at all. A smile and nod does wonders.
Exceptions to this rule include: “How was your weekend?” and “How is your family?” You are then given a maximum of two short anecdotes or one long one to sum it up and keep it moving.

Don’t be the office terrorist. Blowing up the bathroom at work deserves water boarding, in my opinion. I know some gastrointestinal issues are too much to handle. Sh** happens. (ha!) I feel you! But I’ve got three words for you.

COURTESY FLUSH MOTHERFUCKER!

I’ve walked into some bathrooms and the pain of singed nose hairs immediately trumped my bladder. Just because you wanted Taco Hell for lunch; why does everyone else have to choose between breathing and pissing? The courtesy flush is dual purpose though. You know when the fireworks are gonna pop off bub, you know when the Hershey squirts are about to begin. Flush to cover that up...PLEASE!

Don’t be the office ashtray. This rule is for those who take smoke breaks (which I am 100% against). You f***ing stink. That’s it. Aint no more to it.

Don’t be the Food Nazi. The food Nazi is the person that might put in their order with everyone else for delivery and have eleventy million order modifications. Then gets mad if one thing is wrong. Your special needs a** should order for yourself! Oh yeah, extra duck sauce means at most a handful. Not the whole damn condiment bag! (that one was personal) Or the person who feels the need to rule pot lucks with an iron fist. There are bound to be some pot luck pirates for every work function. Let it go! There is no need to have a clipboard checking shit off like a nightclub bouncer. Which leads me to.

Don’t be the Pot Luck Pirate. Or at least…don’t get caught!. If your cheap ass didn’t want to sign up or missed signing up for the napkins and cups cop out, don’t have your happy ass in line talking about how good everything looks. And don’t pile up plates like your going into a fallout bunker. Put some blinders on, get a small sample of each dish, cover it up and eat it later. This is key. You are only fanning flames by sitting with the people who chipped in.
The only exception to this rule is during your birthday month. Feel free to crash any and all celebrations or pot lucks during your birthday this period without chipping in for any of them. Consider it your birthday gift.

Don’t be Pig-Pen from the Peanuts. I know there are times when we all run late and skip some morning rituals. But at least cover the booger bases. Nose and eye! Furthermore, don’t get all offended when someone gives you the “nose brush” to let you know you have some booger dust present. And that Tide commercial with the talking stain is on the money. Dirty clothes speak louder than you do. Trust.

Speaking of clothes. Don’t be the office Betty Boop or Austin Powers. Ladies I appreciate your desire to want to look sexy. But if you drop something at work and can’t pick it up without doing yoga. Your clothes might be a little too tight. I know business casual is a very loose term but I don’t think a purple Baby Phat tank top fits. I also know that talking about shoes to women is like walking into a minefield, blindfolded, with clown shoes on buuuuuut shouldn’t your shoes look more like your going to work the polls and not a pole? I’m just saying. Fellas if you look in the mirror and say to yourself, “does this work?” IT DOESN’T! I’m not hating on your fashion hustle but are sweater vests and bow ties necessary? I’m not advocating going out and buying name brand or changing your entire wardrobe. I just want you to hang up that suit with the shoulder pads. Look like your wearing a Frankenstein costume without the mask.

And with that I’m done, but please don’t consider this list complete. I know there are office transgressions I’ve missed that warrant calling out. So let’s have it.

What else are people just not getting at work?

KP