Ask A Guy - Are Plutonic (Platonic) Relationships Extinct?

by Seymour Monet

Q: Is it truly possible for a man and woman to be in a plutonic relationship?
Short answer: No because that would mean that the relationship was formed by the solidification of magma..So, unless you are messing around with volcano’s I don’t think that will happen. If you mean platonic then its no for us and yes for you.

Long answer: This is actually a question I’ve been Hulk Hoganing with for a minute believe it or not. I’m typically not one to say something absolutely can’t happen because I’ve seen so much occur that I would’ve previously thought impossible. (i.e. The Two Corey’s, T-Pain) The problem I have with it is the reciprocation of friendly feelings. I almost sounded smart there didn’t I? Anyway. This is one of the few subjects that you will ever see me waffle on. Enjoy it while it lasts snitches. And the first “syrup” joke will get someone castrated.

Since I am tackling this subject for the masses I decided to press pause on my F-Webster movement and look up the word “platonic.” It reads…
a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex.

Ok, so fuck that…

Look I see it like this. Relationship is the key word here. The terms actually contradict themselves because if you listen to that bastard Webster a relationship is defined by being …a romantic or passionate attachment. Now you see why I say fuck Webster. Digressing, the other interpretations allow a relationship to range from a friendship to a splackavellie. What to believe? Me! Here it is:
Women are the only creatures that have the emotional facets to allow for several relationship variations. Men have friends and chicks. That’s it. If by rare blue moon a man actually considers a female a friend only, I promise he barely considers her a broad at all. Sucks…I know.

I would start with the dick in a glass case offensive here but women would inevitably use the “it’s not about sex defense”. That’s old. It’s more than that now really. A “friend” to a woman is whatever she isn’t getting at home. Conversation, pipe, attention, laughter, longstroke, understanding, making you feel wanted …the list goes on and on. Men and women can definitely have a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex. Any routine from a mid-30’s stand up would have you believe that marriage is that way.

Another blog…another time…

But dammit some passion is present! We are getting the shit end of the stick here and that’s evident. You get to have your Devils food and eat it too, while we just get blue balls. Now here is where my belief that all things are possible gets in the way. Being that you have such emotional range I will allow for certain anomalies that prove this rule…certain childhood/family friends, sweetchucks, and some ex’s. What you have to realize is that you have the capacity to have “levels” of friendship. We simply don’t have as many categories…guy friend, girl friend, best friend, friend friend, church friend, club friend, sometimey friend. Whereas we have the fellas and the “to bone or not to bone”. That’s it.

While the appearance of a strict, mature non-sexual relationship is evident. I assure you ladies we are one come hither look away from a porno bass guitar riff. It is rare and I mean black athlete/black wife rare that you will find a guy that is “friends” with a girl he is no way shape or form attracted to. For some reason (duh) we won’t even consider just hanging with a chick unless there is a chance we can get down. Hell, most dudes end up there without a choice! While I won’t discount the advantages of having some female friends around for some honest feedback and opinions; it just isn’t platonic if one party is looking at the other like a piece of prime rib. Medium. Mmmmm.

This is another classic case of something that is sexy in theory and fugly in practice. Men and women can be friends yes. Can they be in anything marked by the complete absence of passion, romance and sex?

Let me see if I can channel Smokey. Hellll naw!

TM Throwback - "The Truth Merchants Guide to Workplace Etiquette"

Below is an article from September 2009 by one of the staff writters, KP. We've been out of the game since 2009???



Amongst my peers I often get clowned for receiving the Golden W-2 award for most jobs in a lifetime.

Hardy har.

I don’t argue that I’ve bounced around. That also makes me uniquely qualified to write this guide. Don’t mistake this for some white collar bull that’s going to tell you how to properly format a meeting memo.
I’m going to tell you how not to be the office asshole or weirdo. Print this out. Put it up in your cube. Study it at night. Whatever. Just don’t be that person!

First and foremost guys please DON'T be the office perv. (I’ll get to the ladies in a sec) Besides the possible HR issue, you’re just creepy dude. Always got your hand in your pocket, staring at anything that shakes, sending those “little Johnny” halfway dirty emails.

Just stop it.

If you slide up next to a female co-worker trying to strike up a conversation, and she never turns to look at you. Walk away! If she turns down one invite for drinks or “lunch.” Don’t ask again! The only thing worse than being the office perv is being the old office perv.

Ladies DON'T be the Transit Authority at work. In other words, don’t give everyone a ride (yes, that kind of ride). Office romance is romance. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about giving anybody who brings you some staples a happy ending. I kid...but I don’t. As we’ve mentioned several times on this site, we won’t respect you. And the women in the office will hate you.

DON'T be the office mouth waterfall. If someone asks “how’s it going?” or “how are you?” just say “Good and you?” and keep it moving. No one wants you to lie down on the couch and spill your guts. That question once had me hemmed up in a break room listening to an eerily Maury-esque story about her 16 yr. old getting pregnant. When people ask those questions...they don’t want to know! And contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to speak at all. A smile and nod does wonders.
Exceptions to this rule include: “How was your weekend?” and “How is your family?” You are then given a maximum of two short anecdotes or one long one to sum it up and keep it moving.

Don’t be the office terrorist. Blowing up the bathroom at work deserves water boarding, in my opinion. I know some gastrointestinal issues are too much to handle. Sh** happens. (ha!) I feel you! But I’ve got three words for you.

COURTESY FLUSH MOTHERFUCKER!

I’ve walked into some bathrooms and the pain of singed nose hairs immediately trumped my bladder. Just because you wanted Taco Hell for lunch; why does everyone else have to choose between breathing and pissing? The courtesy flush is dual purpose though. You know when the fireworks are gonna pop off bub, you know when the Hershey squirts are about to begin. Flush to cover that up...PLEASE!

Don’t be the office ashtray. This rule is for those who take smoke breaks (which I am 100% against). You f***ing stink. That’s it. Aint no more to it.

Don’t be the Food Nazi. The food Nazi is the person that might put in their order with everyone else for delivery and have eleventy million order modifications. Then gets mad if one thing is wrong. Your special needs a** should order for yourself! Oh yeah, extra duck sauce means at most a handful. Not the whole damn condiment bag! (that one was personal) Or the person who feels the need to rule pot lucks with an iron fist. There are bound to be some pot luck pirates for every work function. Let it go! There is no need to have a clipboard checking shit off like a nightclub bouncer. Which leads me to.

Don’t be the Pot Luck Pirate. Or at least…don’t get caught!. If your cheap ass didn’t want to sign up or missed signing up for the napkins and cups cop out, don’t have your happy ass in line talking about how good everything looks. And don’t pile up plates like your going into a fallout bunker. Put some blinders on, get a small sample of each dish, cover it up and eat it later. This is key. You are only fanning flames by sitting with the people who chipped in.
The only exception to this rule is during your birthday month. Feel free to crash any and all celebrations or pot lucks during your birthday this period without chipping in for any of them. Consider it your birthday gift.

Don’t be Pig-Pen from the Peanuts. I know there are times when we all run late and skip some morning rituals. But at least cover the booger bases. Nose and eye! Furthermore, don’t get all offended when someone gives you the “nose brush” to let you know you have some booger dust present. And that Tide commercial with the talking stain is on the money. Dirty clothes speak louder than you do. Trust.

Speaking of clothes. Don’t be the office Betty Boop or Austin Powers. Ladies I appreciate your desire to want to look sexy. But if you drop something at work and can’t pick it up without doing yoga. Your clothes might be a little too tight. I know business casual is a very loose term but I don’t think a purple Baby Phat tank top fits. I also know that talking about shoes to women is like walking into a minefield, blindfolded, with clown shoes on buuuuuut shouldn’t your shoes look more like your going to work the polls and not a pole? I’m just saying. Fellas if you look in the mirror and say to yourself, “does this work?” IT DOESN’T! I’m not hating on your fashion hustle but are sweater vests and bow ties necessary? I’m not advocating going out and buying name brand or changing your entire wardrobe. I just want you to hang up that suit with the shoulder pads. Look like your wearing a Frankenstein costume without the mask.

And with that I’m done, but please don’t consider this list complete. I know there are office transgressions I’ve missed that warrant calling out. So let’s have it.

What else are people just not getting at work?

KP