Confessions of a Man-Ho (Part 2)

by Seymour Monet orig. 11/10/08

This was the beginning of the end people. I had just learned one of Vicki’s little secrets...exactly how to get in them mo-fo’s! The next 2 years was a blur of bras, backseats and bouncing box springs. And then I graduated high school!

If high school was where the monster was created, college is where he terrorized…

Let’s get back into it:

One of the few things in life that I will say that I’m good at is reading body language. I actually like to say I’m fluent.

So, I watched.

I watched the eyes to see who was skull fucking me.

Oh yes my dear...you were first…

I watched the crowd to see who seemed to draw away and be a little shy. Perhaps the girl who was at the edge of the dance floor grooving just a little by herself, but not drawing any attention to herself either.

88% closet freak success rate on those.

I watched the body and saw who seemed to lean towards me during conversation. You like to be in and take control. Take away some of that control and you go crazy. Since you required a little more work, you were third in line.

Then there were times when I didn’t feel like talking at all. That’s when I would go for what we affectionately referred to as “stragglers”, the chicks who were just around at the end of the night. That was just at social events boys and girls. Not to mention class, the gym, the library, the caf, or any other place I would observe women.

Once again, I did have standards. I tried to keep it 7 or better and I like to say I succeeded. Now having said that; I did own a pair of beer goggles back then. So you do the math.

Also, I never went for the popular girl unless she came to me and wanted a title shot. Even then sometimes I had to pull a Don King and block the fight. Bad boys move in silence, Big said. So, I avoided the limelight as much as possible.

College is when I was introduced to one night stands, booty calls and the infamous double and triple headers. And I hadn’t even really started listening yet.

After college, I set out to hone my listening skills. This, frankly, is easier than most guys realize. Women will tell you everything you need to know, if you just listen. I used all insecurities, secrets, and dreams to my advantage. If you told me you thought you were too thin, I told you I didn’t really dig skinny girls. You’ve got ass, then I was a cleavage fan. This automatically ignited a competitive fire that I stoked or dampened as necessary. If you tell me you like fashion, I’m telling you that whatever you’re wearing was a wise purchase...and asking for a little spin! To keep you placated later on, I would plan events in the future to give you the idea that we were working towards something, only to start an argument out of nowhere as the time got closer resulting in the plans being canceled. I was at was at my best and worst at the same time.

Of course during this time of hot debauchery, the thought of settling down never crossed my mind. I didn’t look for any redeeming qualities in women and I don’t know if I would have recognized it back then anyway. Some women really reveal themselves in a casual relationship and some play it close to the chest. Either way, after bedding women so easily then listening to most of them complain about other guys they were in relationships with, I didn’t think the mythical “good girl” existed. Now I also realize that there are some women out there who are solely out to get their rocks off as well, so I know I wasn’t the only one playing games. However, as I continued in life the game got less appealing to me, yet sex never lost its appeal. And there was the rub...Me wanting my own rub but tired of all the bull. Then it happened:

I met what all men have in their past; the one that got away.

At age 26, believe it or not, I was in my first serious relationship and suddenly believed that good women existed. Then I did what all men do when they have their first good relationship. I fucked it up.

I didn’t cheat on her. I need to put that out there before some of you start making voodoo dolls.

I just didn’t know how to be in a relationship. Even though we fit together like cheese and grits, I had no idea how to make a woman feel loved and secure. I just knew how to attract them and keep them guessing. You can’t stay mysterious and aloof forever, eventually you have to open up and truly show her you love her. I never made her feel appreciated and R. Kelly told you what happens when a woman’s fed up. It was over for that and I was back on the prowl having experienced love for the first time. But love had kinda smacked me in the face.

From relationship time until now, it’s been about five years since I’ve done any rampant fuckery. Not for lack of options but for lack of optimism. I’m going to let a cat out of the bag here real quick. The fellas and I are a part of a larger group of friends that became close in college. Upon departure we all made a bet to see who would be the last to get married.. It’s now down to 4 of us out of 8. And that would be the four guys who write on this site:

1, Toby Hustle — Holla!!

2. Preston Swagger — What’s good?!?!

3. I.M. Haight – Go to hell!!

4. And me….

After reading his article, the smart money would be on Toby. (Editor’s Note from Swagg: “Get the fuck outta here!!”)

I’m putting my money on me even though I actually want to get married now. Do I actually think it will happen? Absolutely not.

I’ve been with enough women now to know exactly what I want.

You can immediately cross easy and boring females off the list. Which frankly, right now, is a good chunk of chicks. It takes a unique combination of a humble confidence, mixed with a voracious, quirky sense of humor, sprinkled with some dammit sexiness that’s going to keep me interested. The problem is that right now I’m tired of buying scratch off tickets, trying to hit the jackpot. I cant regress because what I used to do was just plain fucked up. I can’t progress because those choices have soured me on the dating ritual. I’ve actually changed my approach to be genuine, honest, and gentlemanly. And I’ve already spoken about where that gets you.

So, am I more wrong for cutting some women off early because I can tell it won’t work or telling other women I have enough friends already? Or do I keep crossing my fingers and buying scratch off tickets?

To say I did some things I’m not proud of is an understatement. Saying I had fun is also an understatement. To say it was all a learning experience doesn’t do it justice. My choices might have just ruined me for life though. Let me say right now before any minds wander...I’m clean! But I’m jaded...bitter even. I’m a man ho that doesn’t want his mo-jo. I loves me some women but I’m tired of trying to find one. So what to do?

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” –Robert Frost

“Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!” –Homer Simpson

S. Monet

Part 2--How To Talk To Pretty Women

originally posted 9/2008

Let’s talk about attraction for a moment. In order for some men to fully understand where I’m going here, I have to deconstruct some ideals first.

1) Attraction isn’t a choice.

I repeat…ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE! As humans, we don’t consciously choose who we feel attracted to. It just happens to us. And you can’t convince someone to feel this powerful emotion. We do choose who we want to marry and things like that. But animal attraction isn’t a choice.

2) Attraction doesn’t make sense.

When you think about the concept of being emotionally attracted to another person, it only “makes sense” that you should feel attracted to good qualities like niceness and honesty and loyalty, right? Sorry to be the one to tell you this but attraction doesn’t play by those rules. The things that we are attracted to don’t make logical sense when you look at them. We all know that attractive women seem to date a lot of jackasses.

Seem strange?

Let’s see if this scenario seems familiar: Ever dealt with a woman who says what they think when they’re asked a question...but they tend to act on their emotions when an actual situation presents itself?

Trick question.

Of course you have!

Women are built that way. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just how it is. The same goes for attraction. Women say they want a nice guy but feel for the asshole. It’s like junk food versus healthy food. You know you need healthy food but Snickers is still making money! Understanding these things is your path to enlightenment young Jedi!

Now you may be asking yourself, “Well gosh Seymour, how am I supposed to talk to pretty women?” If you are saying that, stop reading and ask the closest person to smack you for saying gosh. I can’t hold your hand for the rest of your life so hear me now and understand me forever. Here are a few pointers that should help out.

1) Stop being “nice” to attractive women when you first meet them. This means no asking women out all the time, no “special” gifts, no dishing out lots of compliments, no putting your needs aside, and no giving women special treatment or privileges just because they’re attractive. NOTE: I did not say to treat women badly. I’m just telling you to stop doing all the fake things you’re doing just to make women like you. If you actually get into a relationship there will be plenty of time for that.

2) Stop giving women your balls on a platter. In other words, stop giving away your power to women. Do not communicate in any way, shape, or form that you will put aside your own self respect in order to get a woman’s approval.

3) Say the word “no” to a request from an attractive woman at least once every single day. Don’t do it in an angry, mean, or Ike Turner-like way. Just simply say, “no”. Which reminds me:

NOTE: It’s OK to say “no” in a serious tone, and then do the thing she asked after making her sweat a little. Sarcasm and humor, if done right, will earn you big points.

4) Learn how to use sarcasm and humor right! You need to master being funny and a little cocky at the same time. Too cocky, and you come across insecure and arrogant. Too funny, and you come off as goofy and stray dangerously close to the friend zone. Believe it or not but you need to bust on them a bit. Don’t go hard. Don’t tell her that her mom is so fat that she jumped in the air and got stuck. Tease them about something you can tell they made a point for you to notice. Whether it’s a fresh ‘do, a nice dress to accentuate a figure, or whatever. Let her know you notice with a little joke. Make a joke about her being attracted to you. Pretty women aren’t used to this and their interest is piqued immediately because it is new territory. Plus, who doesn’t like to laugh? It is universally understood that women are attracted to confident men. Also widely known is that humor also attracts women. Well 1+1=2 right?

NOTE: Remove the phrase, “Oh, I was just kidding” from your vocabulary. You have to tell the jokes with a straight face for maximum effectiveness.

Follow these rules and you should have more success meeting the girls you thought you had no chance with before. Remember that I am just attempting to get you in the game. If you blow the lay-up that’s on you. Or if you two hit it off and decide to take it to the next level…I don’t know...watch Oprah or something.

As always, I leave you with some wise words that encapsulate the spirit of the article.

“Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and, scary enough, even your money. It’s a disease…”
A Pimp Named Slickback

S. Monet

How to Talk to Pretty Women

Alright fellas, its education time again. I’ve noticed a steadily growing trend that badly needs to be addressed. Men turned to complete invertebrates when in the face of a pretty woman…if not spineless then definitely firmly outside of their comfort zone. I will be the first to admit that a pretty face and a smile is one of the more intoxicating things on the planet.

Point granted.

However, obsequious flattery will get you labeled as "the nice guy." Trust me when I say, you would rather be labeled a leper than be known as the nice guy. I’ll explain later. The crux of this issue is the belief that somehow immensely hot women need to be treated "better" because they look better.

Those are mistakes number one, two and three.

Yes, a slightly different approach needs to be taken but not necessarily one that is going to classify you as a wuss. Before we begin I want to be clear that I am not attempting to be a relationship counselor, I am just trying to get you to a point where you can increase your success rate with at least getting the gorgeous girls phone number. Learning her and keeping her satisfied is all on you buddy.

Call Dr. Phil for that shit.

I’ve been desensitized in a sense. The female side of my family (including Mom dukes) consists of beauty pageant contestants and winners. I’ve seen men turn into puddles in front of them. I’ve gone to dinner with Aunts where random men offered to pick up the check. I’ve gone to clubs with cousins and been let in free. These men thought they were making an impression by going above and beyond. What they failed to realize is that this is the norm for gorgeous women. Special attention is what they are used to receiving therefore it won’t leave an indelible impression. Also, I am not an asshole but I did played one on TV (aka in college) and I’ll be damned if I couldn’t tell a difference in my success rate. I’m no expert but I know a little bit.

Let me start by being clear about the type of woman I am talking about here. I’m not talking about cute or attractive. I’m referring to the woman that makes you think “she must have a boyfriend” or “she must be stuck up” at first glance. Which leads me to my first point:

Surprisingly, most overly hot women don’t get genuinely approached as much as you would think. I’m not saying that they don’t have choices, mind you. When I say genuine, I’m talking about something more than a wink or grin. For an attractive woman, every smile, every kind gesture, and every favor is in one way or another viewed as interest. Some guys will take themselves out of the race before it starts. Another percentage shoot themselves in the nuts by letting these thoughts usurp their confidence before they get to "hello". What they do get an abundance of is: the guy that thinks “hello” isn’t good enough. The guy that thinks he needs to impress her right off…the guy who continually tells her how pretty she is….the guy who feels the need to let her know that his world will revolve around her. These are the worst mistakes ever, solely because of the “Pretty Woman Phenomena.”

What is that, you ask?

It is the reason you need my help, hairy palm.

It sounds daunting but the PWP is quite simple really. Even though they aren’t, all babies are treated as the cutest things on the planet. When girls reach toddler age the games begin. At just about every turn they are told how cute and beautiful they are. This is followed closely by either a gift or some other positive reinforcement. So, they begin to attach their self-worth to their looks. As they age, the compliments grow in number and the actions grow in frequency. This affects each woman differently. You will either have a princess, bag lady or a Cadbury crème egg. The princess expects to be treated royally initially because she knows nothing else. The bag lady develops issues because she thinks that her looks are all she has. While the Cadbury egg acts like a bitch initially to scare off the punks she doesn’t want to turn down, even though she’s the sweetest thing on the planet (aka her soft and creamy middle).

Eventually though women will become numb to compliments and special behavior because that is all they have ever known. Look at it like this; If you keep fucking up with your girl and you always say "I’m sorry", after awhile, “I’m sorry”, loses its power. If she’s heard it her whole life then approaching her with, "you are very pretty" is the same as "hey, I’m a master of the obvious! Wanna dance?" Most times it won’t work.

So what does work??????

Well this is where things tend to get a bit tricky…and this is also where I take my leave. Now that we’ve laid the ground work, stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.