You don’t need to be celibate, you need to be selective…

by Preston Swagger

Most women have either done this or know someone who has. EVERY guy has run into this at some point or another (it’s most aggravating when a jumpoff pulls it).

I’m celibate right now…

When a girl decides, for whatever reason, to slow down, put on her flashing lights, and pull the car off the road for a little while. This typically happens after one, or a string of bad relationships/sexual experiences.

It’s also completely asinine and utterly ridiculous. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but this needed to be said. It’s the equivalent of telling the mechanic that you’ve heard a sound coming from the engine, and then watching him walk over to the trunk. You’d look around and think, “what the fuck”?? Well ladies…

That’s what I’m doing right now…

If you are upset with the quality of man you’ve been running into…well that’s a legitimate concern (a sound coming from your engine). So why don’t you realize that the problem isn’t THAT your fucking…it’s WHO your fucking (take your head out of your trunk — pun intended). The key to catching a good man is not between your legs. Don’t let Ashanti fool you! That “good, good” can be found any “where, where”. That doesn’t make you special…and it doesn’t make you better.

YOU MAKE YOU BETTER!

If you want to find a better man, take off the chastity belt and work on YOU! Start by not hitting the same clubs, bars, corners, etc. to find your man. Every place you found a loser…STOP GOING THERE.

Next, be selfish. What do you love to do? What inspires you…motivates you? What have you always wanted to learn about? Figure out what it is, and go do that shit! Do you, girl! Take a yoga class, or a web design class, a cooking class or gardening class. Join a community program or volunteer somewhere. Learn to play an instrument or speak another language.

And that’s when it’ll happen. That’s when you’ll meet him…at that class, or outreach meeting, or music store. And you’ll already be ahead of the game because you have a common interest…a common passion.

I can’t guarantee that he’ll be perfect. Hell, I can’t guarantee you’ll meet a guy at all while you’re doing these things. But odds are…

You will. And if worse comes to worse and no men come of this new strategy. You know what does???

A better you…

–Preston

I Do...Not

by Tobias Hustleman


Marriage is a busted institution and the only good thing about them are wedding receptions. That is unless you have friends like mine who like to make theirs dry, and that, my friends, is another story for another day.

Jokes aside, I am not a fan of marriage. It could be that I’ve never seen a proper functioning marriage as a kid. My parents divorced when I was 11 or 12. All of my mom’s brothers and sisters are divorced. Pop’s brothers are divorced but his sisters are married. Moving back a generation, the maternal grandparents were married until my grandfather’s death, but there was some philandering there (It wasn’t gramps either). Pop’s parents were divorced because gramps there was abusive. (On a side note, I wouldn’t tangle with that dude. He was one of those country, strong black dudes that could probably eat nails if he got hungry enough.)

My question is why is marriage the ultimate stamp of commitment? I get the legal protections it gives families in cases of death etc., but to me, it seems people get married and stay in bad relationships just because of the title. Don’t get me wrong. There are good marriages out there, but I couldn’t tell you why so many fail and while some have the formula. If you love someone and say that they’re the one you want to be with, is marriage really necessary? Check out the statistics on marriage.

I am a gambler and even those odds look bad to me. Another reason I don’t like marriage…have you seen the laws for divorce in California? A spouse could take you to the cleaners if that pre-nup isn’t airtight. If lightning strikes and I win the lottery, my marriage will be in Mexico.

Perhaps my issues with marriage stem from reservations with commitment. It could be my lack of exposure to good marriages. Some girls I’ve met like to say it’s a maturity thing. Once I meet the right one, I’ll just give up my lonely, bachelor lifestyle…

The book of Clooney says, “Yeah, O.k.”

I could go on and on about the pros and cons of marriage, but I wanted to introduce my “Marriage for the New Millenium” proposal. Being that I am a sports fan, I feel that we should handle marriage like sports contracts.

We’ll go with the NBA model.

We’ll sign to be married for three years and if it doesn’t work, there are two unrestricted free agents on the market. If one or the other is well off, then the rookie cap will kick in and neither will be due half of anything in the event of one or the other selecting free agency. If things do workout, then a long term contract can be negotiated for full cap dollars. Signing bonuses can be negotiable pending the clearance of waivers (i.e. old boyfriends, girlfriends and splackavellies). I’d also like for my long term deal to be incentive laden. Perks would be given for good sex, strong, healthy children, and good stats in important categories (low nagging, cool in-laws, nice feet).

Yes, feet are dealbreakers. I would terminate a contract over the Wrath of Khan.

That was ridiculous really. I wouldn’t actually propose such ridiculousness. Unless you say OK!

Who’s to say I won’t get married one day? I may gray up with my hot lil mama and life will be peachy…

George and Louise Jefferson-style.

It’s going to take a strong one to make me a believer though.

One day we’ll see…but not yet.

T. Hustle

Airbrush Issues

by I.M. Haight originally posted 10/08

Recently a question was posed to Preston that got me thinking. Generally that isn’t a bad thing but this train of thought led me to get a little warm under the collar. The question dealt with the ogling of women on TV or elsewhere by men in front of their significant others and how men felt when it was done to them. Here’s the question:

…dudes have no problem commenting on phat asses, sex appeal, etc when it comes to seeing women on tv…but my question is, how do guys really feel when their chicks comment about other guys? I throw it in there ocassionally - just b/c LOL - and even though ya’ll try to act chill about it, it’s really tearing you up inside, ain’t it???

Preston’s response:

Nope. It sure isn’t. Now if you start running off at the mouth about your cute boss or co-worker — maybe that would get under our skin. But we know yo ass ain’t bumpin into Morris Chestnut at the grocery store and running off with him. Guys don’t look at the dudes on the cover of Men’s Health and feel self-conscious. It just doesn’t happen. Women on the other hand compare themselves to every other thing with a vagina whether it’s the girl in the next cubicle or the one on the cover of US Weekly.

While Preston explained why guys don’t trip…I was left wondering why women do. I couldn’t help but speak on the main issue here.

Jealousy.

This is an age old problem that I just can’t wrap my brain around. Of course on the extreme end of the spectrum I get it. If a man constantly made overt reactions, had a Beyonce screensaver, or had a shrine to Lauren London then yeah he’s wilding. If he says, “nice ass” more watching TV than watching you, then he’s a dick. If he constantly drones on about the women at work…

Well then call me!

But, a casual “she’s pretty” or a long pause on a channel with bikinis while surfing shouldn’t be such a big deal.

Don’t get me wrong. There is chauvinism. Men do degrade women. Women are abused, and yes women are oppressed. But…why is it so wrong for a man to admire (i.e. lust) a scantily clad woman on television or the net? We hear all the time that these images are ruining self esteem and they portray a stereotype that can’t be achieved. We hear that some women’s insecurities stem from the beautiful women on T.V. We hear that some women are driven to bulimia and other eating disorders because of those

busty…

moist…

leggy…

thick…

gorgeous…

OK I got carried away, but you get the point.

It seems to me that it is jealousy driving women more than anything else. To quote the woman who wrote the question:

I would be lying if I said I didn’t have those jealous tendencies - which I think is okay and men really love that to an extent

First of all…

NO its not okay.

And second…

NO we don’t really love that!

Well I don’t anyway. I want a woman who knows she's the shit and doesn’t have to say it. So what if I look at Ciara dance if my girl has an ass like Ki-Toy. And even if she doesn’t, hers is the ass I’m feeling on every day, so it shouldn’t matter. If things are right at home then these comments shouldn’t be a big deal. Aren’t you getting sweet sweet love made to you on a regular basis? Doesn’t he make you feel like you’re the only one for him? Isn’t he showing you how much he appreciates you?

No?

Well then the issue isn’t with him drooling over Trina’s ass then is it?

Just because your man gets a little hype when
Vida Guerra shows her tits, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you.

Is every man in the world forcing women to strive to look better?

No.

Other women are. Preston said it best, “women…compare themselves to every other thing with a vagina.”

Now, I will admit there are some jerks on this planet that may openly demean and degrade women by comparing them to models and such. There is no excuse for the actions of these men. The point I'm trying to make is that John P. Regular realizes that the women on T.V. are just that, the women on T.V.

We know and grow to love the woman at work, or the friend from college. You see, we fall in love with the people we meet. If you happen to meet one of these women who appear in ads or spread it on the web then you have the opportunity to fall for them and vice versa.

However, most people don’t fall in love with the people on T.V. — we fall in love with the people who watch T.V. with us…

Ish You Should Know - The Billion Dollar Man

by Seymour Monet

African-American history lessons are far too often reduced to the same laundry list of black “firsts” only taught in February. Even more often as of late, it seems the accomplishments in the fields of sports and entertainment are given more light. Today black judges, politicians, and CEO’s don’t get much press until it turns bad. This has got to change. Those who follow me know I loves me some money, so naturally I’m all over anybody gaining wealth. We all know the billionaires Bob and Oprah, but I would like to introduce you all to Reginald F. Lewis, the first black billion dollar businessman.

Being born in 1942 and growing up in East Maryland definitely didn’t afford Reginald any of the opportunities that most of us have taken for granted. Yet at age ten he set up his own newspaper route to deliver a local African-American newspaper. He started with ten stops and flipped it to over a hundred in two years and then sold the route for a profit. I don’t know about you but at 12 I was flipping off of mattresses not flipping a profit on a business. Sounds like a bad mo fo right? You don’t know the half.

Never out of work Reginald took a standard job at the time washing dishes at a local country club. There he worked with his grandfather who spoke to him the simple words, “know your job and do it well.” So often in life we tend to over complicate things. These seven words are ones you can live your entire life by. After beasting in high school to the tune of being the starting quarterback, shortstop, small forward, (oh yeah…captain of all three!) and student body vice president the real fun began.

College was at Virginia State on a football scholarship that got cut short by an injury. But an ACL can’t stop your grind! Reginald generated so much business as a photographer’s sales assistant he was offered a partnership. He turned that down and went on to become a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity Inc. and graduated on the dean’s list.

Reginald F. Lewis knew he wanted to be a lawyer but little did he know he would be much more.

Out of all of his accomplishments this is the one that continues to blow me away. The summer after graduation, the Rockefeller Foundation sponsored a program at Harvard Law School in an attempt to introduce some black students to the fine art of law. After lobbying for and gaining acceptance, Reginald was invited to attend Harvard Law School in the fall. BEFORE he applied! I repeat. A black man in 1965 was admitted to Harvard Law School before applying. The only man at the time to hold that distinction. Think about that for a moment…

1965!

Some people were still sharecropping in the South. And he’s talking his way into Harvard!

Brilliant!

This is where things get big. Two years after graduation and working with a prestigious law firm in corporate law, he and a few others set up Wall Street’s first African-American law firm. Being a NC boy it warmed my heart to see that he represented the Wilmington Ten and was instrumental in getting them more of the money they were owed.

He sure is racking up a lot of “firsts” considering most people never heard his name.

His next move was to establish an investment firm whose first move was a 22.5 million dollar buyout of a struggling textile company. Using the same acumen that flipped that newspaper route, he led the company to it’s two most profitable years ever. Selling the company in 1987 for $65 mil, making a 90 to 1 return on his own investment. Guys on Wall Street would slap their grandma for a return like that now.

Before 87 was done, Reginald added another first to his list. But not just an African-American first this time. The $985 million buyout of Beatrice Foods (renamed TLC Beatrice Int’l) was the largest offshore buyout by an American company...ever. Just as steadily as he worked his way into Harvard, he worked down the company’s debt and brought the company’s revenues to $1.5 billion.

And there it is folks… The first black owned billion dollar business.

TLC Beatrice made it’s way up the Forbe’s 1000 and was the largest African-American owned company in the U.S. The richest black man of the 80’s (estimated net worth was $400 million) was not Michael Jackson or Jordan.

He was a hard working businessman who needs his own shoe, shirt, or line of something so more kids can want to be like Reggie.

–Seymour Monet

Why you can't be in love BEFORE the sex...

First of all, thank you to everyone who swings by here and reads the site. Even more thanks go to the people who comment. It really is a cycle. I inspire you to share your thoughts and opinions on a subject. When you do it inspires me to write even more. That’s exactly what happened yesterday. Here are a couple of excerpts that precipitated this article.

Swag, I am going to have to disagree with you on this one! If that was the case, a chick that blew your mind and sucked your heart out would be the girl for you. But when true love comes into play, that’s when you sit back and think to YOURSELF (not even realizing it)….about how good of a wife and mother she’ll be… –Silkie

And one more while we’re here:

…but seriously, I’m in love, or at least “in heavy like”, long before any sex. First of all, this is all beyond the physical. For me, it’s about the interaction and communication. If I can vibe with a woman and we don’t have any substantial problems, then I can see myself falling in love… –Anthony Taurus

Anthony — I couldn’t agree with you more. In fact, do you want to know one of the MAJOR tests I put possible girlfriend candidates through?? The girls I’m feeling a little bit…but I’m not sure if they are wife-type material… Do you know what I MAKE them do??????

Nothing.

Nothing at all! If I can just lay around with you on the couch or in my room. No plans, no topics, no agendas…and just chill with you. Feel absolutely comfortable and happy just shooting the shit with you. Then you’ve just taken a HUGE step forward in the my book.

But that’s still — as Anthony so eloquently put it — just “heavy like”. The fact is, if your “in love” you’re probably in a relationship (I should hope…if not then you’re just a stalker aren’t you?). And no matter how you look at it, a relationship can be divided along 2 lines…

Physical and Emotional

Now here’s the thing that will blow your mind… Those two parts are EQUALLY important. But everybody writes the physical part off as if it’s a minuscule part of the equation…

I can teach a man how to please me If he’s got everything else we can work on the physical stuff

Stop that.

Ladies close your eyes and think about the last time you rolled over…sweaty… looking up at the ceiling…breathing heavy…with an ever so slight smile you just couldn’t wipe off your face…took a deep breath and thought….

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go ahead……I’ll wait.

Yeah, try teaching some sexually incompatible fool how to do THAT.

I know that since this is coming from a male writer they’ll be a natural inclination to want to keep a grain of salt handy. “A guy writing about the importance of the physical side of the relationship….how original”. Sure…being a guy makes me biased…but it doesn’t make me wrong.

If you haven’t had any significant physical interaction with a person, then HALF of the relationship still hasn’t been explored? How can you experience half of anything and claim to know it…let alone LOVE it. Physicality is important…even more so now that we’re living longer and old heads are poppin Cialis like flintstone vitamins. Time will still take it’s toll on us, and eventually the physical side of the relationship will change. Surely hugs and kisses mean more to our grandparents who no longer have sex.

But what if they couldn’t hold hands? That’s still the physical side of the connection.

Unfortunately, I’m down to just one grandparent…but I know for a fact that my grandmother would trade anything in this world to hold my grandfather’s hand again…if only for a few minutes…even if they couldn’t say a word. Tell me that’s not the physical side of a relationship…

1 person + 1 person = relationship.

Relationship = 2 parts.

No Sex (physicality) = 1/2 a relationship…

1/2 a relationship cannot = REAL LOVE

–Preston (I told you there’d be math!)

Ask A Guy - Do men only fall in love AFTER the sex?

by Preston Swagger orig. posted 9/23/08

Q: Do you guys only fall in love after you’ve got the goodies?

A: Nope. We’re in love WAY before that. We’re in love with the possibility of you…

I think this is a people thing more than a “guy” thing. At first we all fall in love with the possibility of someone. We size you up and see what we like.

———-

Note — Ladies if you want an idea of what the guy who’s checking you out is into — follow his eyes. If we size you up from toe to head we’re mostly likely a feet, legs, or ass man.

*Preston looks around…raises hand*

If we go from head to toe we’re probably more into eyes, lips/smile, breasts. Not saying that the total package isn’t important — because of course it is –but our eyes float to what we like best, first. But this too, I think, is more human than “guy”. Ladies let me know if I’m wrong on that one…

———-

But I digress…

So we see you wherever and whenever we see you. You’re lookin fine as hell and we begin to talk a little. THEN you...say IT. IT is something that is exactly what that particular guy wanted to hear:

Yeah, I love to cook
I LOVE watching football
I’ve been called a nympho, but I don’t think it’s true.
I used to be a gymnast

Well hello there…

Remember that movie - There’s Something About Mary — where Matt Dillon sets Cameron Diaz up with perfection? He opens his car door and the blueprints come out and she’s like, “oh you’re an architect”...and then he asks for quarter because all he has are Nepalize coins and she’s like, “oh you’ve been to Nepal?”.

Everybody hopes to find their dream guy or girl. In reality we know there is no such thing. But there’s a brief time when you might just be perfect…

And we love that...

I’ll tell you a secret ladies: you know how you meet a guy who you think really might have a shot with you? Really might be as cool as you think…really might be stable and without issues…really might have a chance at hangin around for a while? And you smile when you see his name on the caller ID. And you make your girlfriends sick talking about him…and you have that little glow that makes your friends laugh at you and your haters envy you…

We feel that way too. We just hide that shit like hell!! C’mon...I’m a grown ass man dog...how do i look glowing?? So we don’t say or show it much…especially around the fellas. But we feel that way too.

“Every time your name was brought up, I would act all nonchalant in front of an audience” — Jay-Z (Frontin)

Now I know this isn’t real love. But just from a sequential standpoint...NO ONE falls in true love BEFORE sex. Typically you have sex with someone after a few weeks or months — and typically you don’t fall into real love that fast. But that getting to know you infatuation. That high that comes with the possibility of new love. We feel it too. We like it too. And that happens before you give us your goodies…

Peace, Love, & A Sweet Tooth,

–Preston

Why don’t men commit? Part 1...Women Cheat too.

by Tobias Hustleman orig. posted 09/08

Why don't men commit?

That is the worst question I’ve ever heard in my life. You should have been given an idea of that in the “Monogamy vs. Bachelorhood” article. At 30, it seems I’ve only heard women say that their relationships ended badly because of the guy’s inability to commit or do what’s right to keep the relationship going.

That’s just plain garbage.

Physical monogamy is just unnatural. It doesn’t really exist in the animal kingdom and even some species of birds (who I’ve always been told are monogamous) are only socially monogamous.

The male birds are raising some other pimp’s chicks.

It’s not impossible but it has to be a conscious decision. I am not out chasing women. Let me rephrase. I am not chasing women based on what I call “skirt chasing”. I’ve just not had a girlfriend in awhile. That doesn’t mean I am hopping beds every night. I just don’t want to jump into a “relationship” like that just yet.

But I am tired of the non-committal indictments. Women cheat too. What’s worse is women never say they cheat because they wanted to cheat. They’re always pushed to cheating. “My boyfriend does not pay attention to me”…or…”he is always out with his guys”. “He doesn’t try anymore”.

So it’s o.k. to commit but cheat when you feel you are unfulfilled???

There are some concessions that can be made on both sides. Women you’re not always the victim. I’ve been cheated on once and was not really trusted in the very next instance. After that my next ex didn’t really appreciate my efforts (that didn’t “drive” me to cheat on her though). She and I have since resolved, but I digress. What have I been since then? A devout member of the Clooney Church of Bachelors.

(Editor’s Note from P. Swagg: Let the church say Amen)

A female friend of mine gave up the tapes. She said women fuck around too. Some of her friends have had long time boyfriends or husbands and philandered. This is after I asked her what she thought about men avoiding commitment. I decided to google female infidelity and what do you know...I found a website called womensinfidelity.com.

WORD????

So you want me to commit so that you can go through the four stages? Keep it. Marriage as it stands today is a fairy tale, religious convention. I feel like someone watched the movie “Unfaithful” and thought, “I am glad she cheated on her husband”.

Women deserve to get theirs too. Yes, you do.

And I am all for being that guy to give it to you!!

Nah……as much as I hate marriage, I would never disrespect it. If people are going to try, I don’t want the karma of being the splackavellie. God bless you if you wanna try. But all guys are not bad. It just depends on where you catch them in their life’s path. And here’s the flip side that no one ever mentions.

It’s the same way with women…

Maybe our paths cross at the wrong time. Who knows?

Most of my female friends get heartbroken when they sleep with a guy and the guy bounces out before settling down. I always think to myself you wouldn’t feel that way if you just treated it as an act. I guess men “feel” and think in physical terms; women “feel” and think emotionally.

This post ended up as more of a rant than anything else. Hopefully my next post will be more formalized. Truthfully, I wish I had the DVD of “Waiting to Exhale” right now so I could piss on it. I am still bitter about being subjected to that garbage rather than seeing “Rumble in the Bronx.”

Until Part 2

T. Hustleman

Where Are Your Nuts? - Male Feminization Pt. 2

by Preston Swagger orig. posted 09/08

I received several comments here and on a few other sites as well as emails regarding PART 1 and that was just the prelude. Some people thought that I was overreacting.

I’m sure that I am…but just humor me for a few more moments:

So the “women like it” + the “it’s a new fad” combination takes hold and the “queer eye” phenomena begins to grow. Guys are trying new products and realizing that they weren’t so bad.

This movement even gives rise to a new term, “metrosexual”.

How large has that term become?

Most spell checkers don’t correct it anymore. Now that’s the mark of something that has truly permeated society.

But you know what? That’s not even the problem. I’m not saying men should be hairy disgusting creatures. Nor do I mean to imply that “hairy”, “unkempt”, “smelly” or any other adjective in that vein defines manhood. Just as a neat and well dressed man isn’t a “pussy”.

I’ll put myself out there. And just for fun I’ll highlight the things that someone could interpret as girly.

I’ve never had a manicure.

I do have a loofah.

I work in Los Angeles and when I’m at a lunch or dinner meeting I know what wine to order with what foods.

I don’t kick it at home and sip Chablis.

If we go out, my goatee will be immaculately trimmed and my head will have a fresh baldy.

Right now: 5 o’clock shadow like a muthafucka.

I love sports, and I love gambling.

I’m honestly not that good with my hands. I can put the shit from Ikea together but I’m nothing special.

And if you hear a sound from under the hood of your car…I can’t do much more than refer you to a good mechanic.

If I’d been Tom Hanks in Castaway…you would’ve found my corpse! Right next to the twigs where I tried in vain to light a fire before I starved to death!

I’m an average cat.

But what I’m saying here…..the point of this article….is that THINGS HAVE GONE WAY PAST AVERAGE. They’ve gone way past metrosexual. Take the Blogxilla post I referenced at the end of part 1 on this topic. He kept hearing about guys doing some really punk ass shit. So, via twitter, he opened up his site and let women comment. Did you read those comments?????

IT IS WAY PAST AVERAGE.

I’ve copied some of the highlights lowlights here for you to read for yourself:

@Blogxilla: just yesterday, this guy was literally sitting next to his phone waiting 4 me 2 call.. Every 30 mins he’d hit me up Or when a guy is strictly your friend and he starts with…”It really hurt my feelings when…”

@Blogxilla this guy I work with, a girl told him he looked chunky at the club and he wouldn’t leave the dj booth for 2 hours lmao

@Blogxilla OMG!!! Me and ALL my girls been sayin this same shit ALL summer… I dont know, when or why but it seems like men an women are swapping places when it comes to relationships and sex. Used to be men complaining about women being clingy, jealous, insecure, stalkin… an now it’s them. Gettin feelins hurt, catchin feelins, whining, complaining, naggin and blowin a Bitch UP!!! XILLA wuts goin on?!

I love this post Xilla..I just recently broke up with my ex because he would not let me be the female in the relationship..he did most of what was mentioned above..There are a lot of dudes out there like this and its scary/crazy all at the same time

This clearly goes beyond a guy’s choice in exfoliate or whether he chooses wide leg or skinny jeans!!

But it is entirely possible that I’m blowing this out of proportion…

To be sure, let’s take a look at this last comment left on this very site:

Can’t we come to some sort of middle ground on this? Where is the “middleman”? Caveman ~ Hairy / Metroman ~ Waxed (or even worse, a fucking landing strip [true story])

FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!

A LANDING STRIP!!!

C’mon fellas!! Really?!?!?!?!!?

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!

Now let’s take a quick look at hip-hop. What does EVERY SINGLE RAPPER say when they are criticized for rapping about drugs, violence or women in a misogynistic way?

I’m just rapping about what I see every day! I’m just talking about what’s in front of me. I’m a reflection of the hood.

So I’m sure it’s a coincidence that so many rappers become extremely successful and then start singing. Starting with Ja Rule, and running right on through 50, Kanye West and Lil Wayne. Just cause you’re singing into a box that makes your voice sound like a computer doesn’t make it “hard” man! Stop fuckin singin to me. What part of the “hood” are you reflecting with that shit?? When did you see THAT in front of you? Lil Wayne sang more than Static Major on “Lollipop” and he PAID Static Major to sing on that song! And Kanye damn near ruins Young Jeezy’s “Put On” by whining through a computer all over the refrain of the song.

Need more? Cause I could still just be trippin…

How about how every rappers favorite line nowadays seems to be, “it ain’t trickin if you got it”…

Yes it is, you hoecake!!!

Rappers love to reference pimps. Whether it’s Goldie, Magic Don Juan, A Pimp Named Slickback…whomever… But you know what...give those guys a BILLION dollars and guess how much they’d trick…

Zero Point Zero Zero dollars.

That’s how much!

Anytime you throw money in to replace a lack of game…YOU ARE TRICKIN. Pimps could be broke and still talk a chick right up out her clothes. Just cause you sold a million records doesn’t mean you’re not fuckin the game up. It’s trickin……..stop kidding yourself.

But maybe the queer eye phenomenom leading to the metrosexual craze leading to the outright girly men and singing rappers we have today is all just a coincidence…

So get mani/pedi’s, spa treatments, skinny jeans, those miniature scarves, and the best facial mask you can find. It’s not my swagg but go for it if it makes you happy. I’m not saying it’s wrong or you shouldn’t do it. Just be sure and reach into your pants and check for your nuts every now and then…

Because clearly, a lot of dudes have misplaced them.

Part 2--How To Talk To Pretty Women

originally posted 9/2008

Let’s talk about attraction for a moment. In order for some men to fully understand where I’m going here, I have to deconstruct some ideals first.

1) Attraction isn’t a choice.

I repeat…ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE! As humans, we don’t consciously choose who we feel attracted to. It just happens to us. And you can’t convince someone to feel this powerful emotion. We do choose who we want to marry and things like that. But animal attraction isn’t a choice.

2) Attraction doesn’t make sense.

When you think about the concept of being emotionally attracted to another person, it only “makes sense” that you should feel attracted to good qualities like niceness and honesty and loyalty, right? Sorry to be the one to tell you this but attraction doesn’t play by those rules. The things that we are attracted to don’t make logical sense when you look at them. We all know that attractive women seem to date a lot of jackasses.

Seem strange?

Let’s see if this scenario seems familiar: Ever dealt with a woman who says what they think when they’re asked a question...but they tend to act on their emotions when an actual situation presents itself?

Trick question.

Of course you have!

Women are built that way. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just how it is. The same goes for attraction. Women say they want a nice guy but feel for the asshole. It’s like junk food versus healthy food. You know you need healthy food but Snickers is still making money! Understanding these things is your path to enlightenment young Jedi!

Now you may be asking yourself, “Well gosh Seymour, how am I supposed to talk to pretty women?” If you are saying that, stop reading and ask the closest person to smack you for saying gosh. I can’t hold your hand for the rest of your life so hear me now and understand me forever. Here are a few pointers that should help out.

1) Stop being “nice” to attractive women when you first meet them. This means no asking women out all the time, no “special” gifts, no dishing out lots of compliments, no putting your needs aside, and no giving women special treatment or privileges just because they’re attractive. NOTE: I did not say to treat women badly. I’m just telling you to stop doing all the fake things you’re doing just to make women like you. If you actually get into a relationship there will be plenty of time for that.

2) Stop giving women your balls on a platter. In other words, stop giving away your power to women. Do not communicate in any way, shape, or form that you will put aside your own self respect in order to get a woman’s approval.

3) Say the word “no” to a request from an attractive woman at least once every single day. Don’t do it in an angry, mean, or Ike Turner-like way. Just simply say, “no”. Which reminds me:

NOTE: It’s OK to say “no” in a serious tone, and then do the thing she asked after making her sweat a little. Sarcasm and humor, if done right, will earn you big points.

4) Learn how to use sarcasm and humor right! You need to master being funny and a little cocky at the same time. Too cocky, and you come across insecure and arrogant. Too funny, and you come off as goofy and stray dangerously close to the friend zone. Believe it or not but you need to bust on them a bit. Don’t go hard. Don’t tell her that her mom is so fat that she jumped in the air and got stuck. Tease them about something you can tell they made a point for you to notice. Whether it’s a fresh ‘do, a nice dress to accentuate a figure, or whatever. Let her know you notice with a little joke. Make a joke about her being attracted to you. Pretty women aren’t used to this and their interest is piqued immediately because it is new territory. Plus, who doesn’t like to laugh? It is universally understood that women are attracted to confident men. Also widely known is that humor also attracts women. Well 1+1=2 right?

NOTE: Remove the phrase, “Oh, I was just kidding” from your vocabulary. You have to tell the jokes with a straight face for maximum effectiveness.

Follow these rules and you should have more success meeting the girls you thought you had no chance with before. Remember that I am just attempting to get you in the game. If you blow the lay-up that’s on you. Or if you two hit it off and decide to take it to the next level…I don’t know...watch Oprah or something.

As always, I leave you with some wise words that encapsulate the spirit of the article.

“Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and, scary enough, even your money. It’s a disease…”
A Pimp Named Slickback

S. Monet

Ask A Guy - Are Plutonic (Platonic) Relationships Extinct?

by Seymour Monet

Q: Is it truly possible for a man and woman to be in a plutonic relationship?
Short answer: No because that would mean that the relationship was formed by the solidification of magma..So, unless you are messing around with volcano’s I don’t think that will happen. If you mean platonic then its no for us and yes for you.

Long answer: This is actually a question I’ve been Hulk Hoganing with for a minute believe it or not. I’m typically not one to say something absolutely can’t happen because I’ve seen so much occur that I would’ve previously thought impossible. (i.e. The Two Corey’s, T-Pain) The problem I have with it is the reciprocation of friendly feelings. I almost sounded smart there didn’t I? Anyway. This is one of the few subjects that you will ever see me waffle on. Enjoy it while it lasts snitches. And the first “syrup” joke will get someone castrated.

Since I am tackling this subject for the masses I decided to press pause on my F-Webster movement and look up the word “platonic.” It reads…
a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex.

Ok, so fuck that…

Look I see it like this. Relationship is the key word here. The terms actually contradict themselves because if you listen to that bastard Webster a relationship is defined by being …a romantic or passionate attachment. Now you see why I say fuck Webster. Digressing, the other interpretations allow a relationship to range from a friendship to a splackavellie. What to believe? Me! Here it is:
Women are the only creatures that have the emotional facets to allow for several relationship variations. Men have friends and chicks. That’s it. If by rare blue moon a man actually considers a female a friend only, I promise he barely considers her a broad at all. Sucks…I know.

I would start with the dick in a glass case offensive here but women would inevitably use the “it’s not about sex defense”. That’s old. It’s more than that now really. A “friend” to a woman is whatever she isn’t getting at home. Conversation, pipe, attention, laughter, longstroke, understanding, making you feel wanted …the list goes on and on. Men and women can definitely have a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex. Any routine from a mid-30’s stand up would have you believe that marriage is that way.

Another blog…another time…

But dammit some passion is present! We are getting the shit end of the stick here and that’s evident. You get to have your Devils food and eat it too, while we just get blue balls. Now here is where my belief that all things are possible gets in the way. Being that you have such emotional range I will allow for certain anomalies that prove this rule…certain childhood/family friends, sweetchucks, and some ex’s. What you have to realize is that you have the capacity to have “levels” of friendship. We simply don’t have as many categories…guy friend, girl friend, best friend, friend friend, church friend, club friend, sometimey friend. Whereas we have the fellas and the “to bone or not to bone”. That’s it.

While the appearance of a strict, mature non-sexual relationship is evident. I assure you ladies we are one come hither look away from a porno bass guitar riff. It is rare and I mean black athlete/black wife rare that you will find a guy that is “friends” with a girl he is no way shape or form attracted to. For some reason (duh) we won’t even consider just hanging with a chick unless there is a chance we can get down. Hell, most dudes end up there without a choice! While I won’t discount the advantages of having some female friends around for some honest feedback and opinions; it just isn’t platonic if one party is looking at the other like a piece of prime rib. Medium. Mmmmm.

This is another classic case of something that is sexy in theory and fugly in practice. Men and women can be friends yes. Can they be in anything marked by the complete absence of passion, romance and sex?

Let me see if I can channel Smokey. Hellll naw!

Ask A Guy - Do men care if the woman is being pleased?

by Preston Swagger



Do men really care if the woman is being pleased?

This is a good question because the answer is also a pretty big indicator on 1 of 2 things:

1. The type of relationship you’re in.

OR

2. The type of guy you’re with.

These may sound like the same thing, but they most certainly are not. But I’ll come back to that in a second. Right now let’s get into it:
I’d say yes—by and large—most guys do care if you’re being pleased. It’s in our best interest to care. I try to treat sex—especially first time sex—like a woman is visiting my restaurant for the first time. I want her to be comfortable. I want her to enjoy the ambiance. I want her to be pleased by the service. I want her to come again and again. I’d like her to talk about her great time with anyone who asks (business owners know it’s all about good word of mouth!). And lastly I’d like her to be a repeat customer.

Some head would be nice too…

But I digress.

My point is this—all of those things are good for me and they’ll come IF it was GOOD FOR HER. Our very mutual interests are obvious to most guys. So ladies, find yourself a great place to dine—make sure he keeps his best table reserved for you and isn’t servicing the whole town and you’ll be straight…
Now for the women who are dealing with a guy who seems less than interested in your sexual satisfaction, there are generally 3 reasons why. Here they are:

1. You’re just a jumpoff (see indicator #1 – The type of relationship you’re in). If you’re just the “post-party, half drunk, I need to get one off” chick, than why would we care if you’re “satisfied”. It’s the exact opposite—he called you to make sure HE was satisfied. And there’s no problem with that, so long as you both know what you’re walking into.
**Editor’s Note: This also works in reverse. If you had a girls night out, came home alone, and need some good servicing and an empty bed in the morning when you wake up. We can hook that up. As a matter of fact when she thinks of good service—who do you think will come to mind?!? The great restaurant owner!! That’s who!!**

Now on to reason #2:

2. You’re with a dude who ain’t worth shit. I can’t put it any clearer than that. This is probably the same guy who’ll WATCH you clean the whole house and do the laundry while he chills on the couch. And then once you’ve got the place spotless, he’ll make ONE plate of YOUR leftovers and then leave a dirty dish, fork and knife in the sink.

If you’re in any kind of continual relationship with a guy who just doesn’t care about your physical satisfaction, you need to break the hell out. What makes you think it will change? What makes you think it won’t spill over into other aspects of the relationship? Look at the situation as simple as possible. You give physically but don’t get anything in return and continue to come back. Outside of gold diggers, how does this benefit you? What sense does it make?

Lastly, there is the rare reason #3

3. He really has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. How can you tell if you have a guy like this? One word:
EFFORT

If he’s genuinely trying to please you. If he’s trying to pull out a new technique or trick to make you happy every time you see him. If he seems genuinely disappointed that you didn’t get yours… Then just have that man slow down, try not to kick his ego into the ocean and help him out a little bit. Just remember that this is always there rarest of the 3 reasons… There aren’t too many good-hearted, nice looking, completely naïve guys running around out there. Don’t kid yourself.

Peace, Love, and Fine Dining,

–Preston

How to Talk to Pretty Women

Alright fellas, its education time again. I’ve noticed a steadily growing trend that badly needs to be addressed. Men turned to complete invertebrates when in the face of a pretty woman…if not spineless then definitely firmly outside of their comfort zone. I will be the first to admit that a pretty face and a smile is one of the more intoxicating things on the planet.

Point granted.

However, obsequious flattery will get you labeled as "the nice guy." Trust me when I say, you would rather be labeled a leper than be known as the nice guy. I’ll explain later. The crux of this issue is the belief that somehow immensely hot women need to be treated "better" because they look better.

Those are mistakes number one, two and three.

Yes, a slightly different approach needs to be taken but not necessarily one that is going to classify you as a wuss. Before we begin I want to be clear that I am not attempting to be a relationship counselor, I am just trying to get you to a point where you can increase your success rate with at least getting the gorgeous girls phone number. Learning her and keeping her satisfied is all on you buddy.

Call Dr. Phil for that shit.

I’ve been desensitized in a sense. The female side of my family (including Mom dukes) consists of beauty pageant contestants and winners. I’ve seen men turn into puddles in front of them. I’ve gone to dinner with Aunts where random men offered to pick up the check. I’ve gone to clubs with cousins and been let in free. These men thought they were making an impression by going above and beyond. What they failed to realize is that this is the norm for gorgeous women. Special attention is what they are used to receiving therefore it won’t leave an indelible impression. Also, I am not an asshole but I did played one on TV (aka in college) and I’ll be damned if I couldn’t tell a difference in my success rate. I’m no expert but I know a little bit.

Let me start by being clear about the type of woman I am talking about here. I’m not talking about cute or attractive. I’m referring to the woman that makes you think “she must have a boyfriend” or “she must be stuck up” at first glance. Which leads me to my first point:

Surprisingly, most overly hot women don’t get genuinely approached as much as you would think. I’m not saying that they don’t have choices, mind you. When I say genuine, I’m talking about something more than a wink or grin. For an attractive woman, every smile, every kind gesture, and every favor is in one way or another viewed as interest. Some guys will take themselves out of the race before it starts. Another percentage shoot themselves in the nuts by letting these thoughts usurp their confidence before they get to "hello". What they do get an abundance of is: the guy that thinks “hello” isn’t good enough. The guy that thinks he needs to impress her right off…the guy who continually tells her how pretty she is….the guy who feels the need to let her know that his world will revolve around her. These are the worst mistakes ever, solely because of the “Pretty Woman Phenomena.”

What is that, you ask?

It is the reason you need my help, hairy palm.

It sounds daunting but the PWP is quite simple really. Even though they aren’t, all babies are treated as the cutest things on the planet. When girls reach toddler age the games begin. At just about every turn they are told how cute and beautiful they are. This is followed closely by either a gift or some other positive reinforcement. So, they begin to attach their self-worth to their looks. As they age, the compliments grow in number and the actions grow in frequency. This affects each woman differently. You will either have a princess, bag lady or a Cadbury crème egg. The princess expects to be treated royally initially because she knows nothing else. The bag lady develops issues because she thinks that her looks are all she has. While the Cadbury egg acts like a bitch initially to scare off the punks she doesn’t want to turn down, even though she’s the sweetest thing on the planet (aka her soft and creamy middle).

Eventually though women will become numb to compliments and special behavior because that is all they have ever known. Look at it like this; If you keep fucking up with your girl and you always say "I’m sorry", after awhile, “I’m sorry”, loses its power. If she’s heard it her whole life then approaching her with, "you are very pretty" is the same as "hey, I’m a master of the obvious! Wanna dance?" Most times it won’t work.

So what does work??????

Well this is where things tend to get a bit tricky…and this is also where I take my leave. Now that we’ve laid the ground work, stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.

Ask A Guy - Do Men Fake Orgasms??

Q: Do men fake orgasms?

A: Yup. We sure do…

Thanks for the questions! Keep ‘em coming!

Oh…you want to know why? Alright, I’ll break it down for you:

I don’t feel like using clinical terms, so we’re gonna get a little raunchy. If that’s not for you, now would be a good time for you to click another link.

Here we go:

After a guy busts a nut, a little recuperation time is needed (sometimes he needs til morning...ha!). But most guys can usually take a break and then get it crackin again. The gifted few *brushes dirt off shoulder* can keep their stroke going while they are recharging.

But ladies, you knew this…

Here’s what you may not have known: Each orgasm after the first is a little tougher/trickier to get. The second bust is fairly common. (It’s also usually the showstopper.) After that second nut, there’s a wonderful relaxing…kinda empty feeling that washes over us (that’s why we ask you for a sandwich. We NEED that shit). But every now and then, we go for that illustrious third orgasm. It is the toughest to achieve, but if we feel even an inkling that says we can pull it off, we dive right back into…ummmm…

YOU.

And that’s when it happens:

After a few minutes we realize…it ain’t happenin. Mr. Happy might be staying up and doing his job, but after each nut the sensitivity of our dick changes and it often times has nothing to do with you. It just ain’t happening. Meanwhile, there you are—our girlfriend or just our lady for the evening—riding, keeping the knees up, or backing that thang up. I mean you are doing your damn duty! And still…

It ain’t happenin…

So what do we do now?

Just stop? Pull out and tell you the truth? In that moment would you even believe us? Would you not wonder just a little bit if it’s your fault? I don’t want that insecurity creepin in. I want you to just keep throwing that thing around with reckless abandon!

So what do we do……We fake an orgasm.

Everyone is happy. We get a sandwich (pretty please). And we both go to sleep. And that’s why we do it.

AND…

That’s also why women shouldn’t do it!! You see, we fake it very rarely and it’s only because you were feeling so lovely that we thought we could go overboard in search of that 3rd or 4th nut. We do it because your shit was good! Women do it cause shit AIN’T good!!

That's a big damn difference...

Women, you deserve to get pleased! You deserve your orgasm as much as we do. And if you ain’t gettin it, don’t fake it!

Show that fool!

Teach that fool!

If need be…grab one of your toys or use your hands…to HELP that fool.

But don’t fake it…Because then you’re only cheating yourself. And there’s no need to…

I’ll be a fool for you…

Deal Breakers!

by Preston Swagger

It still amazes me how a nice smile can be so damn enchanting! Mesmerizing even. It’s like getting knocked in the head with something and being stunned for a few seconds.

She had one of those smiles. And it got me…

EVERYTIME.

Luckily I’m an expert at hiding my feelings (It comes with the testosterone I guess) so no one ever noticed my temporary state of stunned disorientation whenever this girl gave me a toothy grin. But then it happened…my dealbreaker…

We drank together.

And she got BEYOND sloppy.

FUCK! I hope this isn’t a habit because:

Dealbreakers:

1. Consistently sloppy drunks. Sure everyone gets a pass on New Years, and the 4th, and Labor Day and Cinco De Mayo, and Thanksgiving (family can be a BITCH), and Christmas, and funerals and weddings, and even Valentine’s Day if you’ve had your heart beat up. But DAMN isn’t that enough passes?! When you turn me into a de facto babysitter all the time…you’re fuckin up my buzz! Deal broken.

2. Women who don’t drink at all! I know, I know it’s slightly hypocritical, but I don’t think I’m asking for too much. Just know what you can handle. Get like me and let’s drink until we’re just short of sloppy and then let the tipsy hookups begin.

3. Cigarette smokers - obvious reasons. Just can’t fuck with it

NOTE: A female who smokes the occasional cigar is the EXACT OPPOSITE. Email me if that’s you!

I’m gonna swing by and add to this list throughout the day, but hit me up in the comments and let me know what BREAKS THE DEAL for you!! (You can skip the obvious stuff like a crack habit or a 3rd arm or whatever).

**Edit 1 My man Mirth reminded me of another good one!! Social Independence…You’ve gotta have YOUR girls and YOUR friends. Go do YOUR own shit from time to time. No matter how fine or cool you are (hopefully both)—you CANNOT be up under ME all that time. Trust me baby, I’m not THAT interesting.**

Peace, Love and A Great Buzz,

–Preston