You don’t need to be celibate, you need to be selective…

by Preston Swagger

Most women have either done this or know someone who has. EVERY guy has run into this at some point or another (it’s most aggravating when a jumpoff pulls it).

I’m celibate right now…

When a girl decides, for whatever reason, to slow down, put on her flashing lights, and pull the car off the road for a little while. This typically happens after one, or a string of bad relationships/sexual experiences.

It’s also completely asinine and utterly ridiculous. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but this needed to be said. It’s the equivalent of telling the mechanic that you’ve heard a sound coming from the engine, and then watching him walk over to the trunk. You’d look around and think, “what the fuck”?? Well ladies…

That’s what I’m doing right now…

If you are upset with the quality of man you’ve been running into…well that’s a legitimate concern (a sound coming from your engine). So why don’t you realize that the problem isn’t THAT your fucking…it’s WHO your fucking (take your head out of your trunk — pun intended). The key to catching a good man is not between your legs. Don’t let Ashanti fool you! That “good, good” can be found any “where, where”. That doesn’t make you special…and it doesn’t make you better.

YOU MAKE YOU BETTER!

If you want to find a better man, take off the chastity belt and work on YOU! Start by not hitting the same clubs, bars, corners, etc. to find your man. Every place you found a loser…STOP GOING THERE.

Next, be selfish. What do you love to do? What inspires you…motivates you? What have you always wanted to learn about? Figure out what it is, and go do that shit! Do you, girl! Take a yoga class, or a web design class, a cooking class or gardening class. Join a community program or volunteer somewhere. Learn to play an instrument or speak another language.

And that’s when it’ll happen. That’s when you’ll meet him…at that class, or outreach meeting, or music store. And you’ll already be ahead of the game because you have a common interest…a common passion.

I can’t guarantee that he’ll be perfect. Hell, I can’t guarantee you’ll meet a guy at all while you’re doing these things. But odds are…

You will. And if worse comes to worse and no men come of this new strategy. You know what does???

A better you…

–Preston

Airbrush Issues

by I.M. Haight originally posted 10/08

Recently a question was posed to Preston that got me thinking. Generally that isn’t a bad thing but this train of thought led me to get a little warm under the collar. The question dealt with the ogling of women on TV or elsewhere by men in front of their significant others and how men felt when it was done to them. Here’s the question:

…dudes have no problem commenting on phat asses, sex appeal, etc when it comes to seeing women on tv…but my question is, how do guys really feel when their chicks comment about other guys? I throw it in there ocassionally - just b/c LOL - and even though ya’ll try to act chill about it, it’s really tearing you up inside, ain’t it???

Preston’s response:

Nope. It sure isn’t. Now if you start running off at the mouth about your cute boss or co-worker — maybe that would get under our skin. But we know yo ass ain’t bumpin into Morris Chestnut at the grocery store and running off with him. Guys don’t look at the dudes on the cover of Men’s Health and feel self-conscious. It just doesn’t happen. Women on the other hand compare themselves to every other thing with a vagina whether it’s the girl in the next cubicle or the one on the cover of US Weekly.

While Preston explained why guys don’t trip…I was left wondering why women do. I couldn’t help but speak on the main issue here.

Jealousy.

This is an age old problem that I just can’t wrap my brain around. Of course on the extreme end of the spectrum I get it. If a man constantly made overt reactions, had a Beyonce screensaver, or had a shrine to Lauren London then yeah he’s wilding. If he says, “nice ass” more watching TV than watching you, then he’s a dick. If he constantly drones on about the women at work…

Well then call me!

But, a casual “she’s pretty” or a long pause on a channel with bikinis while surfing shouldn’t be such a big deal.

Don’t get me wrong. There is chauvinism. Men do degrade women. Women are abused, and yes women are oppressed. But…why is it so wrong for a man to admire (i.e. lust) a scantily clad woman on television or the net? We hear all the time that these images are ruining self esteem and they portray a stereotype that can’t be achieved. We hear that some women’s insecurities stem from the beautiful women on T.V. We hear that some women are driven to bulimia and other eating disorders because of those

busty…

moist…

leggy…

thick…

gorgeous…

OK I got carried away, but you get the point.

It seems to me that it is jealousy driving women more than anything else. To quote the woman who wrote the question:

I would be lying if I said I didn’t have those jealous tendencies - which I think is okay and men really love that to an extent

First of all…

NO its not okay.

And second…

NO we don’t really love that!

Well I don’t anyway. I want a woman who knows she's the shit and doesn’t have to say it. So what if I look at Ciara dance if my girl has an ass like Ki-Toy. And even if she doesn’t, hers is the ass I’m feeling on every day, so it shouldn’t matter. If things are right at home then these comments shouldn’t be a big deal. Aren’t you getting sweet sweet love made to you on a regular basis? Doesn’t he make you feel like you’re the only one for him? Isn’t he showing you how much he appreciates you?

No?

Well then the issue isn’t with him drooling over Trina’s ass then is it?

Just because your man gets a little hype when
Vida Guerra shows her tits, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you.

Is every man in the world forcing women to strive to look better?

No.

Other women are. Preston said it best, “women…compare themselves to every other thing with a vagina.”

Now, I will admit there are some jerks on this planet that may openly demean and degrade women by comparing them to models and such. There is no excuse for the actions of these men. The point I'm trying to make is that John P. Regular realizes that the women on T.V. are just that, the women on T.V.

We know and grow to love the woman at work, or the friend from college. You see, we fall in love with the people we meet. If you happen to meet one of these women who appear in ads or spread it on the web then you have the opportunity to fall for them and vice versa.

However, most people don’t fall in love with the people on T.V. — we fall in love with the people who watch T.V. with us…

Ask A Guy - Do men only fall in love AFTER the sex?

by Preston Swagger orig. posted 9/23/08

Q: Do you guys only fall in love after you’ve got the goodies?

A: Nope. We’re in love WAY before that. We’re in love with the possibility of you…

I think this is a people thing more than a “guy” thing. At first we all fall in love with the possibility of someone. We size you up and see what we like.

———-

Note — Ladies if you want an idea of what the guy who’s checking you out is into — follow his eyes. If we size you up from toe to head we’re mostly likely a feet, legs, or ass man.

*Preston looks around…raises hand*

If we go from head to toe we’re probably more into eyes, lips/smile, breasts. Not saying that the total package isn’t important — because of course it is –but our eyes float to what we like best, first. But this too, I think, is more human than “guy”. Ladies let me know if I’m wrong on that one…

———-

But I digress…

So we see you wherever and whenever we see you. You’re lookin fine as hell and we begin to talk a little. THEN you...say IT. IT is something that is exactly what that particular guy wanted to hear:

Yeah, I love to cook
I LOVE watching football
I’ve been called a nympho, but I don’t think it’s true.
I used to be a gymnast

Well hello there…

Remember that movie - There’s Something About Mary — where Matt Dillon sets Cameron Diaz up with perfection? He opens his car door and the blueprints come out and she’s like, “oh you’re an architect”...and then he asks for quarter because all he has are Nepalize coins and she’s like, “oh you’ve been to Nepal?”.

Everybody hopes to find their dream guy or girl. In reality we know there is no such thing. But there’s a brief time when you might just be perfect…

And we love that...

I’ll tell you a secret ladies: you know how you meet a guy who you think really might have a shot with you? Really might be as cool as you think…really might be stable and without issues…really might have a chance at hangin around for a while? And you smile when you see his name on the caller ID. And you make your girlfriends sick talking about him…and you have that little glow that makes your friends laugh at you and your haters envy you…

We feel that way too. We just hide that shit like hell!! C’mon...I’m a grown ass man dog...how do i look glowing?? So we don’t say or show it much…especially around the fellas. But we feel that way too.

“Every time your name was brought up, I would act all nonchalant in front of an audience” — Jay-Z (Frontin)

Now I know this isn’t real love. But just from a sequential standpoint...NO ONE falls in true love BEFORE sex. Typically you have sex with someone after a few weeks or months — and typically you don’t fall into real love that fast. But that getting to know you infatuation. That high that comes with the possibility of new love. We feel it too. We like it too. And that happens before you give us your goodies…

Peace, Love, & A Sweet Tooth,

–Preston

Confessions of a Man-Ho (Part 2)

by Seymour Monet orig. 11/10/08

This was the beginning of the end people. I had just learned one of Vicki’s little secrets...exactly how to get in them mo-fo’s! The next 2 years was a blur of bras, backseats and bouncing box springs. And then I graduated high school!

If high school was where the monster was created, college is where he terrorized…

Let’s get back into it:

One of the few things in life that I will say that I’m good at is reading body language. I actually like to say I’m fluent.

So, I watched.

I watched the eyes to see who was skull fucking me.

Oh yes my dear...you were first…

I watched the crowd to see who seemed to draw away and be a little shy. Perhaps the girl who was at the edge of the dance floor grooving just a little by herself, but not drawing any attention to herself either.

88% closet freak success rate on those.

I watched the body and saw who seemed to lean towards me during conversation. You like to be in and take control. Take away some of that control and you go crazy. Since you required a little more work, you were third in line.

Then there were times when I didn’t feel like talking at all. That’s when I would go for what we affectionately referred to as “stragglers”, the chicks who were just around at the end of the night. That was just at social events boys and girls. Not to mention class, the gym, the library, the caf, or any other place I would observe women.

Once again, I did have standards. I tried to keep it 7 or better and I like to say I succeeded. Now having said that; I did own a pair of beer goggles back then. So you do the math.

Also, I never went for the popular girl unless she came to me and wanted a title shot. Even then sometimes I had to pull a Don King and block the fight. Bad boys move in silence, Big said. So, I avoided the limelight as much as possible.

College is when I was introduced to one night stands, booty calls and the infamous double and triple headers. And I hadn’t even really started listening yet.

After college, I set out to hone my listening skills. This, frankly, is easier than most guys realize. Women will tell you everything you need to know, if you just listen. I used all insecurities, secrets, and dreams to my advantage. If you told me you thought you were too thin, I told you I didn’t really dig skinny girls. You’ve got ass, then I was a cleavage fan. This automatically ignited a competitive fire that I stoked or dampened as necessary. If you tell me you like fashion, I’m telling you that whatever you’re wearing was a wise purchase...and asking for a little spin! To keep you placated later on, I would plan events in the future to give you the idea that we were working towards something, only to start an argument out of nowhere as the time got closer resulting in the plans being canceled. I was at was at my best and worst at the same time.

Of course during this time of hot debauchery, the thought of settling down never crossed my mind. I didn’t look for any redeeming qualities in women and I don’t know if I would have recognized it back then anyway. Some women really reveal themselves in a casual relationship and some play it close to the chest. Either way, after bedding women so easily then listening to most of them complain about other guys they were in relationships with, I didn’t think the mythical “good girl” existed. Now I also realize that there are some women out there who are solely out to get their rocks off as well, so I know I wasn’t the only one playing games. However, as I continued in life the game got less appealing to me, yet sex never lost its appeal. And there was the rub...Me wanting my own rub but tired of all the bull. Then it happened:

I met what all men have in their past; the one that got away.

At age 26, believe it or not, I was in my first serious relationship and suddenly believed that good women existed. Then I did what all men do when they have their first good relationship. I fucked it up.

I didn’t cheat on her. I need to put that out there before some of you start making voodoo dolls.

I just didn’t know how to be in a relationship. Even though we fit together like cheese and grits, I had no idea how to make a woman feel loved and secure. I just knew how to attract them and keep them guessing. You can’t stay mysterious and aloof forever, eventually you have to open up and truly show her you love her. I never made her feel appreciated and R. Kelly told you what happens when a woman’s fed up. It was over for that and I was back on the prowl having experienced love for the first time. But love had kinda smacked me in the face.

From relationship time until now, it’s been about five years since I’ve done any rampant fuckery. Not for lack of options but for lack of optimism. I’m going to let a cat out of the bag here real quick. The fellas and I are a part of a larger group of friends that became close in college. Upon departure we all made a bet to see who would be the last to get married.. It’s now down to 4 of us out of 8. And that would be the four guys who write on this site:

1, Toby Hustle — Holla!!

2. Preston Swagger — What’s good?!?!

3. I.M. Haight – Go to hell!!

4. And me….

After reading his article, the smart money would be on Toby. (Editor’s Note from Swagg: “Get the fuck outta here!!”)

I’m putting my money on me even though I actually want to get married now. Do I actually think it will happen? Absolutely not.

I’ve been with enough women now to know exactly what I want.

You can immediately cross easy and boring females off the list. Which frankly, right now, is a good chunk of chicks. It takes a unique combination of a humble confidence, mixed with a voracious, quirky sense of humor, sprinkled with some dammit sexiness that’s going to keep me interested. The problem is that right now I’m tired of buying scratch off tickets, trying to hit the jackpot. I cant regress because what I used to do was just plain fucked up. I can’t progress because those choices have soured me on the dating ritual. I’ve actually changed my approach to be genuine, honest, and gentlemanly. And I’ve already spoken about where that gets you.

So, am I more wrong for cutting some women off early because I can tell it won’t work or telling other women I have enough friends already? Or do I keep crossing my fingers and buying scratch off tickets?

To say I did some things I’m not proud of is an understatement. Saying I had fun is also an understatement. To say it was all a learning experience doesn’t do it justice. My choices might have just ruined me for life though. Let me say right now before any minds wander...I’m clean! But I’m jaded...bitter even. I’m a man ho that doesn’t want his mo-jo. I loves me some women but I’m tired of trying to find one. So what to do?

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” –Robert Frost

“Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!” –Homer Simpson

S. Monet

Why don’t men commit? Part 1...Women Cheat too.

by Tobias Hustleman orig. posted 09/08

Why don't men commit?

That is the worst question I’ve ever heard in my life. You should have been given an idea of that in the “Monogamy vs. Bachelorhood” article. At 30, it seems I’ve only heard women say that their relationships ended badly because of the guy’s inability to commit or do what’s right to keep the relationship going.

That’s just plain garbage.

Physical monogamy is just unnatural. It doesn’t really exist in the animal kingdom and even some species of birds (who I’ve always been told are monogamous) are only socially monogamous.

The male birds are raising some other pimp’s chicks.

It’s not impossible but it has to be a conscious decision. I am not out chasing women. Let me rephrase. I am not chasing women based on what I call “skirt chasing”. I’ve just not had a girlfriend in awhile. That doesn’t mean I am hopping beds every night. I just don’t want to jump into a “relationship” like that just yet.

But I am tired of the non-committal indictments. Women cheat too. What’s worse is women never say they cheat because they wanted to cheat. They’re always pushed to cheating. “My boyfriend does not pay attention to me”…or…”he is always out with his guys”. “He doesn’t try anymore”.

So it’s o.k. to commit but cheat when you feel you are unfulfilled???

There are some concessions that can be made on both sides. Women you’re not always the victim. I’ve been cheated on once and was not really trusted in the very next instance. After that my next ex didn’t really appreciate my efforts (that didn’t “drive” me to cheat on her though). She and I have since resolved, but I digress. What have I been since then? A devout member of the Clooney Church of Bachelors.

(Editor’s Note from P. Swagg: Let the church say Amen)

A female friend of mine gave up the tapes. She said women fuck around too. Some of her friends have had long time boyfriends or husbands and philandered. This is after I asked her what she thought about men avoiding commitment. I decided to google female infidelity and what do you know...I found a website called womensinfidelity.com.

WORD????

So you want me to commit so that you can go through the four stages? Keep it. Marriage as it stands today is a fairy tale, religious convention. I feel like someone watched the movie “Unfaithful” and thought, “I am glad she cheated on her husband”.

Women deserve to get theirs too. Yes, you do.

And I am all for being that guy to give it to you!!

Nah……as much as I hate marriage, I would never disrespect it. If people are going to try, I don’t want the karma of being the splackavellie. God bless you if you wanna try. But all guys are not bad. It just depends on where you catch them in their life’s path. And here’s the flip side that no one ever mentions.

It’s the same way with women…

Maybe our paths cross at the wrong time. Who knows?

Most of my female friends get heartbroken when they sleep with a guy and the guy bounces out before settling down. I always think to myself you wouldn’t feel that way if you just treated it as an act. I guess men “feel” and think in physical terms; women “feel” and think emotionally.

This post ended up as more of a rant than anything else. Hopefully my next post will be more formalized. Truthfully, I wish I had the DVD of “Waiting to Exhale” right now so I could piss on it. I am still bitter about being subjected to that garbage rather than seeing “Rumble in the Bronx.”

Until Part 2

T. Hustleman

Ask A Guy - Are Plutonic (Platonic) Relationships Extinct?

by Seymour Monet

Q: Is it truly possible for a man and woman to be in a plutonic relationship?
Short answer: No because that would mean that the relationship was formed by the solidification of magma..So, unless you are messing around with volcano’s I don’t think that will happen. If you mean platonic then its no for us and yes for you.

Long answer: This is actually a question I’ve been Hulk Hoganing with for a minute believe it or not. I’m typically not one to say something absolutely can’t happen because I’ve seen so much occur that I would’ve previously thought impossible. (i.e. The Two Corey’s, T-Pain) The problem I have with it is the reciprocation of friendly feelings. I almost sounded smart there didn’t I? Anyway. This is one of the few subjects that you will ever see me waffle on. Enjoy it while it lasts snitches. And the first “syrup” joke will get someone castrated.

Since I am tackling this subject for the masses I decided to press pause on my F-Webster movement and look up the word “platonic.” It reads…
a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex.

Ok, so fuck that…

Look I see it like this. Relationship is the key word here. The terms actually contradict themselves because if you listen to that bastard Webster a relationship is defined by being …a romantic or passionate attachment. Now you see why I say fuck Webster. Digressing, the other interpretations allow a relationship to range from a friendship to a splackavellie. What to believe? Me! Here it is:
Women are the only creatures that have the emotional facets to allow for several relationship variations. Men have friends and chicks. That’s it. If by rare blue moon a man actually considers a female a friend only, I promise he barely considers her a broad at all. Sucks…I know.

I would start with the dick in a glass case offensive here but women would inevitably use the “it’s not about sex defense”. That’s old. It’s more than that now really. A “friend” to a woman is whatever she isn’t getting at home. Conversation, pipe, attention, laughter, longstroke, understanding, making you feel wanted …the list goes on and on. Men and women can definitely have a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex. Any routine from a mid-30’s stand up would have you believe that marriage is that way.

Another blog…another time…

But dammit some passion is present! We are getting the shit end of the stick here and that’s evident. You get to have your Devils food and eat it too, while we just get blue balls. Now here is where my belief that all things are possible gets in the way. Being that you have such emotional range I will allow for certain anomalies that prove this rule…certain childhood/family friends, sweetchucks, and some ex’s. What you have to realize is that you have the capacity to have “levels” of friendship. We simply don’t have as many categories…guy friend, girl friend, best friend, friend friend, church friend, club friend, sometimey friend. Whereas we have the fellas and the “to bone or not to bone”. That’s it.

While the appearance of a strict, mature non-sexual relationship is evident. I assure you ladies we are one come hither look away from a porno bass guitar riff. It is rare and I mean black athlete/black wife rare that you will find a guy that is “friends” with a girl he is no way shape or form attracted to. For some reason (duh) we won’t even consider just hanging with a chick unless there is a chance we can get down. Hell, most dudes end up there without a choice! While I won’t discount the advantages of having some female friends around for some honest feedback and opinions; it just isn’t platonic if one party is looking at the other like a piece of prime rib. Medium. Mmmmm.

This is another classic case of something that is sexy in theory and fugly in practice. Men and women can be friends yes. Can they be in anything marked by the complete absence of passion, romance and sex?

Let me see if I can channel Smokey. Hellll naw!

Deal Breakers!

by Preston Swagger

It still amazes me how a nice smile can be so damn enchanting! Mesmerizing even. It’s like getting knocked in the head with something and being stunned for a few seconds.

She had one of those smiles. And it got me…

EVERYTIME.

Luckily I’m an expert at hiding my feelings (It comes with the testosterone I guess) so no one ever noticed my temporary state of stunned disorientation whenever this girl gave me a toothy grin. But then it happened…my dealbreaker…

We drank together.

And she got BEYOND sloppy.

FUCK! I hope this isn’t a habit because:

Dealbreakers:

1. Consistently sloppy drunks. Sure everyone gets a pass on New Years, and the 4th, and Labor Day and Cinco De Mayo, and Thanksgiving (family can be a BITCH), and Christmas, and funerals and weddings, and even Valentine’s Day if you’ve had your heart beat up. But DAMN isn’t that enough passes?! When you turn me into a de facto babysitter all the time…you’re fuckin up my buzz! Deal broken.

2. Women who don’t drink at all! I know, I know it’s slightly hypocritical, but I don’t think I’m asking for too much. Just know what you can handle. Get like me and let’s drink until we’re just short of sloppy and then let the tipsy hookups begin.

3. Cigarette smokers - obvious reasons. Just can’t fuck with it

NOTE: A female who smokes the occasional cigar is the EXACT OPPOSITE. Email me if that’s you!

I’m gonna swing by and add to this list throughout the day, but hit me up in the comments and let me know what BREAKS THE DEAL for you!! (You can skip the obvious stuff like a crack habit or a 3rd arm or whatever).

**Edit 1 My man Mirth reminded me of another good one!! Social Independence…You’ve gotta have YOUR girls and YOUR friends. Go do YOUR own shit from time to time. No matter how fine or cool you are (hopefully both)—you CANNOT be up under ME all that time. Trust me baby, I’m not THAT interesting.**

Peace, Love and A Great Buzz,

–Preston