Confessions of a Man-Ho (Part 2)

by Seymour Monet orig. 11/10/08

This was the beginning of the end people. I had just learned one of Vicki’s little secrets...exactly how to get in them mo-fo’s! The next 2 years was a blur of bras, backseats and bouncing box springs. And then I graduated high school!

If high school was where the monster was created, college is where he terrorized…

Let’s get back into it:

One of the few things in life that I will say that I’m good at is reading body language. I actually like to say I’m fluent.

So, I watched.

I watched the eyes to see who was skull fucking me.

Oh yes my dear...you were first…

I watched the crowd to see who seemed to draw away and be a little shy. Perhaps the girl who was at the edge of the dance floor grooving just a little by herself, but not drawing any attention to herself either.

88% closet freak success rate on those.

I watched the body and saw who seemed to lean towards me during conversation. You like to be in and take control. Take away some of that control and you go crazy. Since you required a little more work, you were third in line.

Then there were times when I didn’t feel like talking at all. That’s when I would go for what we affectionately referred to as “stragglers”, the chicks who were just around at the end of the night. That was just at social events boys and girls. Not to mention class, the gym, the library, the caf, or any other place I would observe women.

Once again, I did have standards. I tried to keep it 7 or better and I like to say I succeeded. Now having said that; I did own a pair of beer goggles back then. So you do the math.

Also, I never went for the popular girl unless she came to me and wanted a title shot. Even then sometimes I had to pull a Don King and block the fight. Bad boys move in silence, Big said. So, I avoided the limelight as much as possible.

College is when I was introduced to one night stands, booty calls and the infamous double and triple headers. And I hadn’t even really started listening yet.

After college, I set out to hone my listening skills. This, frankly, is easier than most guys realize. Women will tell you everything you need to know, if you just listen. I used all insecurities, secrets, and dreams to my advantage. If you told me you thought you were too thin, I told you I didn’t really dig skinny girls. You’ve got ass, then I was a cleavage fan. This automatically ignited a competitive fire that I stoked or dampened as necessary. If you tell me you like fashion, I’m telling you that whatever you’re wearing was a wise purchase...and asking for a little spin! To keep you placated later on, I would plan events in the future to give you the idea that we were working towards something, only to start an argument out of nowhere as the time got closer resulting in the plans being canceled. I was at was at my best and worst at the same time.

Of course during this time of hot debauchery, the thought of settling down never crossed my mind. I didn’t look for any redeeming qualities in women and I don’t know if I would have recognized it back then anyway. Some women really reveal themselves in a casual relationship and some play it close to the chest. Either way, after bedding women so easily then listening to most of them complain about other guys they were in relationships with, I didn’t think the mythical “good girl” existed. Now I also realize that there are some women out there who are solely out to get their rocks off as well, so I know I wasn’t the only one playing games. However, as I continued in life the game got less appealing to me, yet sex never lost its appeal. And there was the rub...Me wanting my own rub but tired of all the bull. Then it happened:

I met what all men have in their past; the one that got away.

At age 26, believe it or not, I was in my first serious relationship and suddenly believed that good women existed. Then I did what all men do when they have their first good relationship. I fucked it up.

I didn’t cheat on her. I need to put that out there before some of you start making voodoo dolls.

I just didn’t know how to be in a relationship. Even though we fit together like cheese and grits, I had no idea how to make a woman feel loved and secure. I just knew how to attract them and keep them guessing. You can’t stay mysterious and aloof forever, eventually you have to open up and truly show her you love her. I never made her feel appreciated and R. Kelly told you what happens when a woman’s fed up. It was over for that and I was back on the prowl having experienced love for the first time. But love had kinda smacked me in the face.

From relationship time until now, it’s been about five years since I’ve done any rampant fuckery. Not for lack of options but for lack of optimism. I’m going to let a cat out of the bag here real quick. The fellas and I are a part of a larger group of friends that became close in college. Upon departure we all made a bet to see who would be the last to get married.. It’s now down to 4 of us out of 8. And that would be the four guys who write on this site:

1, Toby Hustle — Holla!!

2. Preston Swagger — What’s good?!?!

3. I.M. Haight – Go to hell!!

4. And me….

After reading his article, the smart money would be on Toby. (Editor’s Note from Swagg: “Get the fuck outta here!!”)

I’m putting my money on me even though I actually want to get married now. Do I actually think it will happen? Absolutely not.

I’ve been with enough women now to know exactly what I want.

You can immediately cross easy and boring females off the list. Which frankly, right now, is a good chunk of chicks. It takes a unique combination of a humble confidence, mixed with a voracious, quirky sense of humor, sprinkled with some dammit sexiness that’s going to keep me interested. The problem is that right now I’m tired of buying scratch off tickets, trying to hit the jackpot. I cant regress because what I used to do was just plain fucked up. I can’t progress because those choices have soured me on the dating ritual. I’ve actually changed my approach to be genuine, honest, and gentlemanly. And I’ve already spoken about where that gets you.

So, am I more wrong for cutting some women off early because I can tell it won’t work or telling other women I have enough friends already? Or do I keep crossing my fingers and buying scratch off tickets?

To say I did some things I’m not proud of is an understatement. Saying I had fun is also an understatement. To say it was all a learning experience doesn’t do it justice. My choices might have just ruined me for life though. Let me say right now before any minds wander...I’m clean! But I’m jaded...bitter even. I’m a man ho that doesn’t want his mo-jo. I loves me some women but I’m tired of trying to find one. So what to do?

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” –Robert Frost

“Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!” –Homer Simpson

S. Monet

Ask A Guy - Are Plutonic (Platonic) Relationships Extinct?

by Seymour Monet

Q: Is it truly possible for a man and woman to be in a plutonic relationship?
Short answer: No because that would mean that the relationship was formed by the solidification of magma..So, unless you are messing around with volcano’s I don’t think that will happen. If you mean platonic then its no for us and yes for you.

Long answer: This is actually a question I’ve been Hulk Hoganing with for a minute believe it or not. I’m typically not one to say something absolutely can’t happen because I’ve seen so much occur that I would’ve previously thought impossible. (i.e. The Two Corey’s, T-Pain) The problem I have with it is the reciprocation of friendly feelings. I almost sounded smart there didn’t I? Anyway. This is one of the few subjects that you will ever see me waffle on. Enjoy it while it lasts snitches. And the first “syrup” joke will get someone castrated.

Since I am tackling this subject for the masses I decided to press pause on my F-Webster movement and look up the word “platonic.” It reads…
a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex.

Ok, so fuck that…

Look I see it like this. Relationship is the key word here. The terms actually contradict themselves because if you listen to that bastard Webster a relationship is defined by being …a romantic or passionate attachment. Now you see why I say fuck Webster. Digressing, the other interpretations allow a relationship to range from a friendship to a splackavellie. What to believe? Me! Here it is:
Women are the only creatures that have the emotional facets to allow for several relationship variations. Men have friends and chicks. That’s it. If by rare blue moon a man actually considers a female a friend only, I promise he barely considers her a broad at all. Sucks…I know.

I would start with the dick in a glass case offensive here but women would inevitably use the “it’s not about sex defense”. That’s old. It’s more than that now really. A “friend” to a woman is whatever she isn’t getting at home. Conversation, pipe, attention, laughter, longstroke, understanding, making you feel wanted …the list goes on and on. Men and women can definitely have a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex. Any routine from a mid-30’s stand up would have you believe that marriage is that way.

Another blog…another time…

But dammit some passion is present! We are getting the shit end of the stick here and that’s evident. You get to have your Devils food and eat it too, while we just get blue balls. Now here is where my belief that all things are possible gets in the way. Being that you have such emotional range I will allow for certain anomalies that prove this rule…certain childhood/family friends, sweetchucks, and some ex’s. What you have to realize is that you have the capacity to have “levels” of friendship. We simply don’t have as many categories…guy friend, girl friend, best friend, friend friend, church friend, club friend, sometimey friend. Whereas we have the fellas and the “to bone or not to bone”. That’s it.

While the appearance of a strict, mature non-sexual relationship is evident. I assure you ladies we are one come hither look away from a porno bass guitar riff. It is rare and I mean black athlete/black wife rare that you will find a guy that is “friends” with a girl he is no way shape or form attracted to. For some reason (duh) we won’t even consider just hanging with a chick unless there is a chance we can get down. Hell, most dudes end up there without a choice! While I won’t discount the advantages of having some female friends around for some honest feedback and opinions; it just isn’t platonic if one party is looking at the other like a piece of prime rib. Medium. Mmmmm.

This is another classic case of something that is sexy in theory and fugly in practice. Men and women can be friends yes. Can they be in anything marked by the complete absence of passion, romance and sex?

Let me see if I can channel Smokey. Hellll naw!

Ask A Guy - Do men care if the woman is being pleased?

by Preston Swagger



Do men really care if the woman is being pleased?

This is a good question because the answer is also a pretty big indicator on 1 of 2 things:

1. The type of relationship you’re in.

OR

2. The type of guy you’re with.

These may sound like the same thing, but they most certainly are not. But I’ll come back to that in a second. Right now let’s get into it:
I’d say yes—by and large—most guys do care if you’re being pleased. It’s in our best interest to care. I try to treat sex—especially first time sex—like a woman is visiting my restaurant for the first time. I want her to be comfortable. I want her to enjoy the ambiance. I want her to be pleased by the service. I want her to come again and again. I’d like her to talk about her great time with anyone who asks (business owners know it’s all about good word of mouth!). And lastly I’d like her to be a repeat customer.

Some head would be nice too…

But I digress.

My point is this—all of those things are good for me and they’ll come IF it was GOOD FOR HER. Our very mutual interests are obvious to most guys. So ladies, find yourself a great place to dine—make sure he keeps his best table reserved for you and isn’t servicing the whole town and you’ll be straight…
Now for the women who are dealing with a guy who seems less than interested in your sexual satisfaction, there are generally 3 reasons why. Here they are:

1. You’re just a jumpoff (see indicator #1 – The type of relationship you’re in). If you’re just the “post-party, half drunk, I need to get one off” chick, than why would we care if you’re “satisfied”. It’s the exact opposite—he called you to make sure HE was satisfied. And there’s no problem with that, so long as you both know what you’re walking into.
**Editor’s Note: This also works in reverse. If you had a girls night out, came home alone, and need some good servicing and an empty bed in the morning when you wake up. We can hook that up. As a matter of fact when she thinks of good service—who do you think will come to mind?!? The great restaurant owner!! That’s who!!**

Now on to reason #2:

2. You’re with a dude who ain’t worth shit. I can’t put it any clearer than that. This is probably the same guy who’ll WATCH you clean the whole house and do the laundry while he chills on the couch. And then once you’ve got the place spotless, he’ll make ONE plate of YOUR leftovers and then leave a dirty dish, fork and knife in the sink.

If you’re in any kind of continual relationship with a guy who just doesn’t care about your physical satisfaction, you need to break the hell out. What makes you think it will change? What makes you think it won’t spill over into other aspects of the relationship? Look at the situation as simple as possible. You give physically but don’t get anything in return and continue to come back. Outside of gold diggers, how does this benefit you? What sense does it make?

Lastly, there is the rare reason #3

3. He really has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. How can you tell if you have a guy like this? One word:
EFFORT

If he’s genuinely trying to please you. If he’s trying to pull out a new technique or trick to make you happy every time you see him. If he seems genuinely disappointed that you didn’t get yours… Then just have that man slow down, try not to kick his ego into the ocean and help him out a little bit. Just remember that this is always there rarest of the 3 reasons… There aren’t too many good-hearted, nice looking, completely naïve guys running around out there. Don’t kid yourself.

Peace, Love, and Fine Dining,

–Preston