Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I Do...Not

by Tobias Hustleman

Marriage is a busted institution and the only good thing about them are wedding receptions. That is unless you have friends like mine who like to make theirs dry, and that, my friends, is another story for another day.

Jokes aside, I am not a fan of marriage. It could be that I’ve never seen a proper functioning marriage as a kid. My parents divorced when I was 11 or 12. All of my mom’s brothers and sisters are divorced. Pop’s brothers are divorced but his sisters are married. Moving back a generation, the maternal grandparents were married until my grandfather’s death, but there was some philandering there (It wasn’t gramps either). Pop’s parents were divorced because gramps there was abusive. (On a side note, I wouldn’t tangle with that dude. He was one of those country, strong black dudes that could probably eat nails if he got hungry enough.)

My question is why is marriage the ultimate stamp of commitment? I get the legal protections it gives families in cases of death etc., but to me, it seems people get married and stay in bad relationships just because of the title. Don’t get me wrong. There are good marriages out there, but I couldn’t tell you why so many fail and while some have the formula. If you love someone and say that they’re the one you want to be with, is marriage really necessary? Check out the statistics on marriage.

I am a gambler and even those odds look bad to me. Another reason I don’t like marriage…have you seen the laws for divorce in California? A spouse could take you to the cleaners if that pre-nup isn’t airtight. If lightning strikes and I win the lottery, my marriage will be in Mexico.

Perhaps my issues with marriage stem from reservations with commitment. It could be my lack of exposure to good marriages. Some girls I’ve met like to say it’s a maturity thing. Once I meet the right one, I’ll just give up my lonely, bachelor lifestyle…

The book of Clooney says, “Yeah, O.k.”

I could go on and on about the pros and cons of marriage, but I wanted to introduce my “Marriage for the New Millenium” proposal. Being that I am a sports fan, I feel that we should handle marriage like sports contracts.

We’ll go with the NBA model.

We’ll sign to be married for three years and if it doesn’t work, there are two unrestricted free agents on the market. If one or the other is well off, then the rookie cap will kick in and neither will be due half of anything in the event of one or the other selecting free agency. If things do workout, then a long term contract can be negotiated for full cap dollars. Signing bonuses can be negotiable pending the clearance of waivers (i.e. old boyfriends, girlfriends and splackavellies). I’d also like for my long term deal to be incentive laden. Perks would be given for good sex, strong, healthy children, and good stats in important categories (low nagging, cool in-laws, nice feet).

Yes, feet are dealbreakers. I would terminate a contract over the Wrath of Khan.

That was ridiculous really. I wouldn’t actually propose such ridiculousness. Unless you say OK!

Who’s to say I won’t get married one day? I may gray up with my hot lil mama and life will be peachy…

George and Louise Jefferson-style.

It’s going to take a strong one to make me a believer though.

One day we’ll see…but not yet.

T. Hustle

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