How to Talk to Pretty Women

Alright fellas, its education time again. I’ve noticed a steadily growing trend that badly needs to be addressed. Men turned to complete invertebrates when in the face of a pretty woman…if not spineless then definitely firmly outside of their comfort zone. I will be the first to admit that a pretty face and a smile is one of the more intoxicating things on the planet.

Point granted.

However, obsequious flattery will get you labeled as "the nice guy." Trust me when I say, you would rather be labeled a leper than be known as the nice guy. I’ll explain later. The crux of this issue is the belief that somehow immensely hot women need to be treated "better" because they look better.

Those are mistakes number one, two and three.

Yes, a slightly different approach needs to be taken but not necessarily one that is going to classify you as a wuss. Before we begin I want to be clear that I am not attempting to be a relationship counselor, I am just trying to get you to a point where you can increase your success rate with at least getting the gorgeous girls phone number. Learning her and keeping her satisfied is all on you buddy.

Call Dr. Phil for that shit.

I’ve been desensitized in a sense. The female side of my family (including Mom dukes) consists of beauty pageant contestants and winners. I’ve seen men turn into puddles in front of them. I’ve gone to dinner with Aunts where random men offered to pick up the check. I’ve gone to clubs with cousins and been let in free. These men thought they were making an impression by going above and beyond. What they failed to realize is that this is the norm for gorgeous women. Special attention is what they are used to receiving therefore it won’t leave an indelible impression. Also, I am not an asshole but I did played one on TV (aka in college) and I’ll be damned if I couldn’t tell a difference in my success rate. I’m no expert but I know a little bit.

Let me start by being clear about the type of woman I am talking about here. I’m not talking about cute or attractive. I’m referring to the woman that makes you think “she must have a boyfriend” or “she must be stuck up” at first glance. Which leads me to my first point:

Surprisingly, most overly hot women don’t get genuinely approached as much as you would think. I’m not saying that they don’t have choices, mind you. When I say genuine, I’m talking about something more than a wink or grin. For an attractive woman, every smile, every kind gesture, and every favor is in one way or another viewed as interest. Some guys will take themselves out of the race before it starts. Another percentage shoot themselves in the nuts by letting these thoughts usurp their confidence before they get to "hello". What they do get an abundance of is: the guy that thinks “hello” isn’t good enough. The guy that thinks he needs to impress her right off…the guy who continually tells her how pretty she is….the guy who feels the need to let her know that his world will revolve around her. These are the worst mistakes ever, solely because of the “Pretty Woman Phenomena.”

What is that, you ask?

It is the reason you need my help, hairy palm.

It sounds daunting but the PWP is quite simple really. Even though they aren’t, all babies are treated as the cutest things on the planet. When girls reach toddler age the games begin. At just about every turn they are told how cute and beautiful they are. This is followed closely by either a gift or some other positive reinforcement. So, they begin to attach their self-worth to their looks. As they age, the compliments grow in number and the actions grow in frequency. This affects each woman differently. You will either have a princess, bag lady or a Cadbury crème egg. The princess expects to be treated royally initially because she knows nothing else. The bag lady develops issues because she thinks that her looks are all she has. While the Cadbury egg acts like a bitch initially to scare off the punks she doesn’t want to turn down, even though she’s the sweetest thing on the planet (aka her soft and creamy middle).

Eventually though women will become numb to compliments and special behavior because that is all they have ever known. Look at it like this; If you keep fucking up with your girl and you always say "I’m sorry", after awhile, “I’m sorry”, loses its power. If she’s heard it her whole life then approaching her with, "you are very pretty" is the same as "hey, I’m a master of the obvious! Wanna dance?" Most times it won’t work.

So what does work??????

Well this is where things tend to get a bit tricky…and this is also where I take my leave. Now that we’ve laid the ground work, stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.

More Head State

Q: How can a girl/woman convince the non-conforming male to give head?

A: WTF?? They still make that model? For the record I looove the “Australian kiss” (think French kiss but down under) for the response you get and the fact that I’m just generally freaky. Now, being selective is a given, I understand that. But not going down at all??

Inconceivable!

I see my help is direly needed and apparently not a moment too late.

Answering this question is difficult because I have to assume some things and I hate making an ass of myself. I am going to answer this assuming that we are talking about a guy you are in some sort of relationship with and not just a serviceman. You can’t ask for much from meat slingers except meat. I will also assume from the “non-conforming” part of the question that you have already come out and asked the guy. Please don’t underestimate our one track minds. If you don’t tell us that there is a problem then we think everything is non-lumpy gravy. The final, and most crucial, assumption is that you are following proper hygiene rituals. Even the freakiest seafood lover will run from spoiled trout. That leaves us with one of two types of guys, either he’s selfish or a prude. Let’s deal with the selfish guy first because I believe the prude to be rare.

As crass as it may seem the only way (besides straight leaving him) to deal with the selfish guy rests solely on your head placement. Before you get your Vickie’s in a pickle let me explain. The selfish guy is almost cocky in the sense that he believes his penile work to be enough to satisfy you.

Silly, silly men…

You are going to have to attack this guy. Attack his ego by letting him know you aren’t satisfied. Attack him sexually. If you aren’t giving him head, then start. If you are giving him head, then stop. Let him know why things have changed as well. You need to be aggressive because he has lasted this long with going down. He will have to be convinced that this will benefit him in some way shape or form.

The prude, surprisingly, is going to be easy. He just needs his world opened up. He most likely is interested in satisfying you in all facets but looks at cunnilingus as nasty or too freaky. Ease him into it by introducing new elements here and there. Watch some porn together, touch yourself in front of him, touch him in the movies, AND wake him up to a BJ. I promise in no time he won’t tell you no to any request. I know I damn sure wouldn’t!!

Finally, I want to talk to the fellas reading this real quick. If you are the type of guy this deprived young lady has run across, understand that the game has changed. Women can and will get what they want somehow, someway. I’m not saying you need to start grooming every cat in town, but you certainly need to be licking the kitten at home. That is all.

Ask A Guy - Do Men Fake Orgasms??

Q: Do men fake orgasms?

A: Yup. We sure do…

Thanks for the questions! Keep ‘em coming!

Oh…you want to know why? Alright, I’ll break it down for you:

I don’t feel like using clinical terms, so we’re gonna get a little raunchy. If that’s not for you, now would be a good time for you to click another link.

Here we go:

After a guy busts a nut, a little recuperation time is needed (sometimes he needs til morning...ha!). But most guys can usually take a break and then get it crackin again. The gifted few *brushes dirt off shoulder* can keep their stroke going while they are recharging.

But ladies, you knew this…

Here’s what you may not have known: Each orgasm after the first is a little tougher/trickier to get. The second bust is fairly common. (It’s also usually the showstopper.) After that second nut, there’s a wonderful relaxing…kinda empty feeling that washes over us (that’s why we ask you for a sandwich. We NEED that shit). But every now and then, we go for that illustrious third orgasm. It is the toughest to achieve, but if we feel even an inkling that says we can pull it off, we dive right back into…ummmm…

YOU.

And that’s when it happens:

After a few minutes we realize…it ain’t happenin. Mr. Happy might be staying up and doing his job, but after each nut the sensitivity of our dick changes and it often times has nothing to do with you. It just ain’t happening. Meanwhile, there you are—our girlfriend or just our lady for the evening—riding, keeping the knees up, or backing that thang up. I mean you are doing your damn duty! And still…

It ain’t happenin…

So what do we do now?

Just stop? Pull out and tell you the truth? In that moment would you even believe us? Would you not wonder just a little bit if it’s your fault? I don’t want that insecurity creepin in. I want you to just keep throwing that thing around with reckless abandon!

So what do we do……We fake an orgasm.

Everyone is happy. We get a sandwich (pretty please). And we both go to sleep. And that’s why we do it.

AND…

That’s also why women shouldn’t do it!! You see, we fake it very rarely and it’s only because you were feeling so lovely that we thought we could go overboard in search of that 3rd or 4th nut. We do it because your shit was good! Women do it cause shit AIN’T good!!

That's a big damn difference...

Women, you deserve to get pleased! You deserve your orgasm as much as we do. And if you ain’t gettin it, don’t fake it!

Show that fool!

Teach that fool!

If need be…grab one of your toys or use your hands…to HELP that fool.

But don’t fake it…Because then you’re only cheating yourself. And there’s no need to…

I’ll be a fool for you…

Deal Breakers!

by Preston Swagger

It still amazes me how a nice smile can be so damn enchanting! Mesmerizing even. It’s like getting knocked in the head with something and being stunned for a few seconds.

She had one of those smiles. And it got me…

EVERYTIME.

Luckily I’m an expert at hiding my feelings (It comes with the testosterone I guess) so no one ever noticed my temporary state of stunned disorientation whenever this girl gave me a toothy grin. But then it happened…my dealbreaker…

We drank together.

And she got BEYOND sloppy.

FUCK! I hope this isn’t a habit because:

Dealbreakers:

1. Consistently sloppy drunks. Sure everyone gets a pass on New Years, and the 4th, and Labor Day and Cinco De Mayo, and Thanksgiving (family can be a BITCH), and Christmas, and funerals and weddings, and even Valentine’s Day if you’ve had your heart beat up. But DAMN isn’t that enough passes?! When you turn me into a de facto babysitter all the time…you’re fuckin up my buzz! Deal broken.

2. Women who don’t drink at all! I know, I know it’s slightly hypocritical, but I don’t think I’m asking for too much. Just know what you can handle. Get like me and let’s drink until we’re just short of sloppy and then let the tipsy hookups begin.

3. Cigarette smokers - obvious reasons. Just can’t fuck with it

NOTE: A female who smokes the occasional cigar is the EXACT OPPOSITE. Email me if that’s you!

I’m gonna swing by and add to this list throughout the day, but hit me up in the comments and let me know what BREAKS THE DEAL for you!! (You can skip the obvious stuff like a crack habit or a 3rd arm or whatever).

**Edit 1 My man Mirth reminded me of another good one!! Social Independence…You’ve gotta have YOUR girls and YOUR friends. Go do YOUR own shit from time to time. No matter how fine or cool you are (hopefully both)—you CANNOT be up under ME all that time. Trust me baby, I’m not THAT interesting.**

Peace, Love and A Great Buzz,

–Preston

Ish You Should Know Calvin Patterson

Tobias calls out the million dollar athletes who fuck it all up for themselves, their family, and the culture—and recognizes one of many who tried not to…


My alter ego works a 9-5 job, is pretty proud of what he has accomplished, but knows he has a lot to accomplish still. It is not the sense of accomplishment that battles complacency. Rather, it is the sense of how quickly things could turn for the worse. No matter how much you achieve in a field or particular interest, there is still more to do in life and for the world.In this the age of multi-million dollar athletes with their endorsements, it pains me when athletes waste their talent because they get wrapped in a life or rep.

This point personified is Michael Vick.

There are things in cultures that others do not understand, and that’s o.k. Someone though, should have said,“Hey Michael, don’t fight pit bulls…idiot.” Here’s another. “Hey Nate Newton don’t transport hundreds of pounds of weed in the Mystery Machine.”

This is not an attack on African American players because all people make mistakes. Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers was hooked on crack, but he made it back. I have a partiality to his story because he is a North Carolina boy. Chris Anderson of the New Orleans Hornets ran into the same situation and we’ll see how far he makes it back. What (in the fuck) was Matt Jones thinking getting caught cutting up coke? The stories are endless and cut across race.

I gear this toward black people because with minorities, athletes are particularly polarized as representatives of the culture. When you have bouts of idiocy, it is reflective of a people. You’re spiting people, history and the cause. Google Calvin Patterson and see what you’ll find. Here is a young man who was the first Black player to play for the Florida State Seminoles. His story was so tragic that FSU didn’t even recognize him as such. For decades, J.T. Thomas was recognized as the first.

Patterson enrolled in FSU in 1968 after growing up with his great aunt in Dade County. He enrolled in a white school in the south where football is more sacred than communion. He faced the obligatory death threats, internal racism for dating a white woman, and the Florida A&M students resented him for attending a white school.
In reading the article at espn.com, two particular points touched me about the story. One, he was befriended by a professor who was raised essentially as a racist. After attending Cornell, the professor’s eyes were opened and became the campus liason for black enrollement.

People do learn and can change.

In general, we would not be where we are today if people did not change. Racism does still exist but those out front cannot continually give people a reason to believe in the stereotypes they were taught.
Secondly and most importantly, after being ruled ineligible to play due to his academic performance, it seems Patterson felt worst about not being able to play for his family. At least from what I can infer, he felt a responsibility (or perhaps a burden depending on your sentiment) of playing and representing his family. Faced with not playing football, he shot himself in the stomach in attempt to end his playing career. Sadly, he bled to death before the ambulance arrived.

History did balance itself out somewhat in this case. Tommy Warren, a former quarterback of the Seminoles, became a civil rights lawyer in Florida and fought for the recognition of Patterson as the first African American player at FSU. Patterson’s family was recognized in 2004 and a scholarship was established in his name.

It stories like these that prevent you from feeling sorry for an athlete ruining an opportunity. It’s not for me to judge how Calvin Patterson chose to deal with his circumstances because I have never had to experience those conditions. I can judge him for having pride enough in his family and community to know that he was representing them. He had to have been a source of pride for them as well.
When an athlete Vicks his situation, I have no sympathy because you’re only perpetuating a feeling of negativity against black athletes and to some, black people as a whole. Don’t worry if you’re not street anymore. You’re making millions of dollars to play a sport. There are people who cannot put food on their table…and you dogfight?! Your boys are not your boys if they will let you do something that will ruin your opportunity. If they do call you on it and you don’t listen, that is your mistake. Live with the consequences.

I hope athletes appreciate their role. Whether you know it or not, people are watching and judging. Right or wrong, these are the circumstances.

Represent, your family, friends and culture men and women. Change a mind or two.

Metro (Sexual) Man

by Preston Swagger

LOOK! Up in the sky!! It’s a bird!! It’s a plane!! No….It’s….Metro-Man

So the fellas and I are out playing pool and drinking. A few ladies are with us and were all just shootin the shit and having a good time. I make some comment about sports, or beer, or women, or all three (I honestly can’t remember), and one of the girls laughs and turns to me and says,

“Preston, you are such a guy”.

Honestly….It was one of the nicest things anyone has said to me in a while.

I’m proud to be a “guy’s guy”. I’m proud to be Mel Gibson from the first half of “What Women Want” or Eddie Murphy from the first half of “Boomerang”. I enjoy it. (Although Eddie was a little too pretty in that movie). So we got into a drunken, pool playing discussion about what makes a guy metro or not (is there really any other way to discuss these things?).
So here’s my take on the whole metrosexual thing. I’m fine with the term, I just don’t like the guys that represent the idea of the classic metrosexuals. I mean, there are some things that I do (no, I’m not telling you) that could be considered metro, and I acknowledge that. I just don’t like being called metro because most people think of someone like Ryan Seacrest or Ricky Martin or some shit. Growing up, getting called a “pretty boy” was fighting words. I guess I still don’t take too kindly to it.

So you may be asking yourself, “Yo Preston, if you admittedly do some things that can be considered metro…why aren’t you a metrosexual?” To which I’d reply, “Mind your neck!!!.” Then, after I laughed I would tell you the real reason…

PRIORITIES… my good friend….priorities.

Let me give an example:

I was watching one of those “The Fabulous Life Of…” shows on VH-1. They showed a clip of Diddy on the phone in his penthouse office while some lady was giving him a pedicure. Now I don’t think that is a metrosexual thing to do. If I had millions of dollars, then sure I’d pay some chick a few bucks to massage my feet and cut my toenails for me. I mean, bending down and cutting my own toenails isn’t something I’ll miss doing…so…Why the fuck not…

I’m rich biatch!!

But if you’re a guy making around $40,000 and you’re just 9-5ing it like most people–but still finding time (and money) to go get mani/pedis?!?! YOU, my friend are a metrosexual.
And that’s what I mean about priorities. If I have to make an appointment and go to the salon and spend money that I would otherwise use for drinking, or clubbing, or seeing a ballgame with the boys…that would be ridiculous. That would be a metrosexual. But if I’m rich as all hell and can snap my fingers and have a chick there rubbin down my boats?!

Well that’s just pimp!

TM Throwback - "The Truth Merchants Guide to Workplace Etiquette"

Below is an article from September 2009 by one of the staff writters, KP. We've been out of the game since 2009???



Amongst my peers I often get clowned for receiving the Golden W-2 award for most jobs in a lifetime.

Hardy har.

I don’t argue that I’ve bounced around. That also makes me uniquely qualified to write this guide. Don’t mistake this for some white collar bull that’s going to tell you how to properly format a meeting memo.
I’m going to tell you how not to be the office asshole or weirdo. Print this out. Put it up in your cube. Study it at night. Whatever. Just don’t be that person!

First and foremost guys please DON'T be the office perv. (I’ll get to the ladies in a sec) Besides the possible HR issue, you’re just creepy dude. Always got your hand in your pocket, staring at anything that shakes, sending those “little Johnny” halfway dirty emails.

Just stop it.

If you slide up next to a female co-worker trying to strike up a conversation, and she never turns to look at you. Walk away! If she turns down one invite for drinks or “lunch.” Don’t ask again! The only thing worse than being the office perv is being the old office perv.

Ladies DON'T be the Transit Authority at work. In other words, don’t give everyone a ride (yes, that kind of ride). Office romance is romance. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about giving anybody who brings you some staples a happy ending. I kid...but I don’t. As we’ve mentioned several times on this site, we won’t respect you. And the women in the office will hate you.

DON'T be the office mouth waterfall. If someone asks “how’s it going?” or “how are you?” just say “Good and you?” and keep it moving. No one wants you to lie down on the couch and spill your guts. That question once had me hemmed up in a break room listening to an eerily Maury-esque story about her 16 yr. old getting pregnant. When people ask those questions...they don’t want to know! And contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to speak at all. A smile and nod does wonders.
Exceptions to this rule include: “How was your weekend?” and “How is your family?” You are then given a maximum of two short anecdotes or one long one to sum it up and keep it moving.

Don’t be the office terrorist. Blowing up the bathroom at work deserves water boarding, in my opinion. I know some gastrointestinal issues are too much to handle. Sh** happens. (ha!) I feel you! But I’ve got three words for you.

COURTESY FLUSH MOTHERFUCKER!

I’ve walked into some bathrooms and the pain of singed nose hairs immediately trumped my bladder. Just because you wanted Taco Hell for lunch; why does everyone else have to choose between breathing and pissing? The courtesy flush is dual purpose though. You know when the fireworks are gonna pop off bub, you know when the Hershey squirts are about to begin. Flush to cover that up...PLEASE!

Don’t be the office ashtray. This rule is for those who take smoke breaks (which I am 100% against). You f***ing stink. That’s it. Aint no more to it.

Don’t be the Food Nazi. The food Nazi is the person that might put in their order with everyone else for delivery and have eleventy million order modifications. Then gets mad if one thing is wrong. Your special needs a** should order for yourself! Oh yeah, extra duck sauce means at most a handful. Not the whole damn condiment bag! (that one was personal) Or the person who feels the need to rule pot lucks with an iron fist. There are bound to be some pot luck pirates for every work function. Let it go! There is no need to have a clipboard checking shit off like a nightclub bouncer. Which leads me to.

Don’t be the Pot Luck Pirate. Or at least…don’t get caught!. If your cheap ass didn’t want to sign up or missed signing up for the napkins and cups cop out, don’t have your happy ass in line talking about how good everything looks. And don’t pile up plates like your going into a fallout bunker. Put some blinders on, get a small sample of each dish, cover it up and eat it later. This is key. You are only fanning flames by sitting with the people who chipped in.
The only exception to this rule is during your birthday month. Feel free to crash any and all celebrations or pot lucks during your birthday this period without chipping in for any of them. Consider it your birthday gift.

Don’t be Pig-Pen from the Peanuts. I know there are times when we all run late and skip some morning rituals. But at least cover the booger bases. Nose and eye! Furthermore, don’t get all offended when someone gives you the “nose brush” to let you know you have some booger dust present. And that Tide commercial with the talking stain is on the money. Dirty clothes speak louder than you do. Trust.

Speaking of clothes. Don’t be the office Betty Boop or Austin Powers. Ladies I appreciate your desire to want to look sexy. But if you drop something at work and can’t pick it up without doing yoga. Your clothes might be a little too tight. I know business casual is a very loose term but I don’t think a purple Baby Phat tank top fits. I also know that talking about shoes to women is like walking into a minefield, blindfolded, with clown shoes on buuuuuut shouldn’t your shoes look more like your going to work the polls and not a pole? I’m just saying. Fellas if you look in the mirror and say to yourself, “does this work?” IT DOESN’T! I’m not hating on your fashion hustle but are sweater vests and bow ties necessary? I’m not advocating going out and buying name brand or changing your entire wardrobe. I just want you to hang up that suit with the shoulder pads. Look like your wearing a Frankenstein costume without the mask.

And with that I’m done, but please don’t consider this list complete. I know there are office transgressions I’ve missed that warrant calling out. So let’s have it.

What else are people just not getting at work?

KP