Thursday, March 8, 2012

TM Throwback - "The Truth Merchants Guide to Workplace Etiquette"

Below is an article from September 2009 by one of the staff writters, KP. We've been out of the game since 2009???

Amongst my peers I often get clowned for receiving the Golden W-2 award for most jobs in a lifetime.

Hardy har.

I don’t argue that I’ve bounced around. That also makes me uniquely qualified to write this guide. Don’t mistake this for some white collar bull that’s going to tell you how to properly format a meeting memo.
I’m going to tell you how not to be the office asshole or weirdo. Print this out. Put it up in your cube. Study it at night. Whatever. Just don’t be that person!

First and foremost guys please DON'T be the office perv. (I’ll get to the ladies in a sec) Besides the possible HR issue, you’re just creepy dude. Always got your hand in your pocket, staring at anything that shakes, sending those “little Johnny” halfway dirty emails.

Just stop it.

If you slide up next to a female co-worker trying to strike up a conversation, and she never turns to look at you. Walk away! If she turns down one invite for drinks or “lunch.” Don’t ask again! The only thing worse than being the office perv is being the old office perv.

Ladies DON'T be the Transit Authority at work. In other words, don’t give everyone a ride (yes, that kind of ride). Office romance is romance. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about giving anybody who brings you some staples a happy ending. I kid...but I don’t. As we’ve mentioned several times on this site, we won’t respect you. And the women in the office will hate you.

DON'T be the office mouth waterfall. If someone asks “how’s it going?” or “how are you?” just say “Good and you?” and keep it moving. No one wants you to lie down on the couch and spill your guts. That question once had me hemmed up in a break room listening to an eerily Maury-esque story about her 16 yr. old getting pregnant. When people ask those questions...they don’t want to know! And contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to speak at all. A smile and nod does wonders.
Exceptions to this rule include: “How was your weekend?” and “How is your family?” You are then given a maximum of two short anecdotes or one long one to sum it up and keep it moving.

Don’t be the office terrorist. Blowing up the bathroom at work deserves water boarding, in my opinion. I know some gastrointestinal issues are too much to handle. Sh** happens. (ha!) I feel you! But I’ve got three words for you.


I’ve walked into some bathrooms and the pain of singed nose hairs immediately trumped my bladder. Just because you wanted Taco Hell for lunch; why does everyone else have to choose between breathing and pissing? The courtesy flush is dual purpose though. You know when the fireworks are gonna pop off bub, you know when the Hershey squirts are about to begin. Flush to cover that up...PLEASE!

Don’t be the office ashtray. This rule is for those who take smoke breaks (which I am 100% against). You f***ing stink. That’s it. Aint no more to it.

Don’t be the Food Nazi. The food Nazi is the person that might put in their order with everyone else for delivery and have eleventy million order modifications. Then gets mad if one thing is wrong. Your special needs a** should order for yourself! Oh yeah, extra duck sauce means at most a handful. Not the whole damn condiment bag! (that one was personal) Or the person who feels the need to rule pot lucks with an iron fist. There are bound to be some pot luck pirates for every work function. Let it go! There is no need to have a clipboard checking shit off like a nightclub bouncer. Which leads me to.

Don’t be the Pot Luck Pirate. Or at least…don’t get caught!. If your cheap ass didn’t want to sign up or missed signing up for the napkins and cups cop out, don’t have your happy ass in line talking about how good everything looks. And don’t pile up plates like your going into a fallout bunker. Put some blinders on, get a small sample of each dish, cover it up and eat it later. This is key. You are only fanning flames by sitting with the people who chipped in.
The only exception to this rule is during your birthday month. Feel free to crash any and all celebrations or pot lucks during your birthday this period without chipping in for any of them. Consider it your birthday gift.

Don’t be Pig-Pen from the Peanuts. I know there are times when we all run late and skip some morning rituals. But at least cover the booger bases. Nose and eye! Furthermore, don’t get all offended when someone gives you the “nose brush” to let you know you have some booger dust present. And that Tide commercial with the talking stain is on the money. Dirty clothes speak louder than you do. Trust.

Speaking of clothes. Don’t be the office Betty Boop or Austin Powers. Ladies I appreciate your desire to want to look sexy. But if you drop something at work and can’t pick it up without doing yoga. Your clothes might be a little too tight. I know business casual is a very loose term but I don’t think a purple Baby Phat tank top fits. I also know that talking about shoes to women is like walking into a minefield, blindfolded, with clown shoes on buuuuuut shouldn’t your shoes look more like your going to work the polls and not a pole? I’m just saying. Fellas if you look in the mirror and say to yourself, “does this work?” IT DOESN’T! I’m not hating on your fashion hustle but are sweater vests and bow ties necessary? I’m not advocating going out and buying name brand or changing your entire wardrobe. I just want you to hang up that suit with the shoulder pads. Look like your wearing a Frankenstein costume without the mask.

And with that I’m done, but please don’t consider this list complete. I know there are office transgressions I’ve missed that warrant calling out. So let’s have it.

What else are people just not getting at work?


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